F**k Yeah! by Al Calm (e novels to read online .txt) 📕

I got to say, I'm closer to getting grown up and uncool and I really should grow the fuck up. I'm older than Bungle Bob, but I don't think I'm older than Konny Ken or Crisp Roll, though he looks well young. You know what? I really can't be fucked to worry about age. Not now. I don't think I've changed since I was fifteen, no joke! I've got kids here and there and I dodged all that maintenance shit. Makes me a bad fucker but what can I give them anyway? I've said to find me if they want to get sorted. That's when they're all cool. I ain't one for all the brat traumas. Me head can't take all that shit!

Still, I'm always on a messy one. I think to myself, Am I a proper junkie? No way, I got the commune vibes thing going, everything's pretty good for me. I have done a lot of shit, like proper experimented, though smoking skag to me is no different from doing the odd hot rock. I mean, it's all pretty fucked. Hooting can fuck you as much as shooting. Then you can get some random devil drug what really fucks you up for time. I don't get people who snort MDMA too. Then again, I hardly drink any alcohol now. I mean I'll have a few beers in the club, maybe the odd couple around some mates when we're tucking into a chunky bar. Always happens when people spit some bars, too! But apart from that, I hardly get any alcohol, like loads of spirits and shit like it, not like I used to. It’s too much and I'd prefer some half-decent pills. If I fancy some brandy or vodka after, I’ll get a bottle to kill while I come down. Don't even touch the sides these days!

When I was nine, I used to drink cider and vodka mixed together. Sometimes I'd crush some paracetamols in there. Made school a bit better, got me puking quick too. The Class A's made it a hell of a lot better. Nothing like some LSD before double maths! Always had funny stories with trips, shrooms and space cakes in school, not to mention freaking out when the tabs stick to your skin.

A&E tripping for kicks. It didn’t always happen, we were too quick to knock them out, we never thought about them really fucking us up. I remember a school mate keeping bugle in his pencil case. Fucking full of it. Open it up and it puffs out everywhere! Must have been bashed. But it's still daft anyway. Why a fucking pencil case for fuck’s sake?

We were proper amateurs, no wonder half those fuckers are inside. Me? I'm just a mentalist, I do get tugged now and then but they get bored of me. Think they know I'm looking to avoid paying rent out here – been sanctioned for weeks, how can you pay for fucking anything?

I started chuffing about the same age I was mixing vodka and cider, after moving from snouts to spliffs in an instant. Fuck wasting time with fags, I always chuff ganja now. I haven’t smoked a fag for time. Once I'd dropped some nut nuts, some shrooms and blasted some old skool Omegas and Mitzies, maybe a few weird love dove things, I tell you I was loving it. That made me mind up. I still smoked a twenty deck, and went back to Crisp’s for a fat toke though.

I said to me reflection, in the revolving mirror, Hog you're a fuckhead, you love being a fuckhead, you're going to be a fuckhead forever. Did you want to drop some beats or you just pleased to be a total full-time fuckhead? You know what, I'll stay like a fuckhead, just wished I could get it together to get a gig. Only Bunter could get away with chewing his face off and be a wicked selector, a legend like him has the knowledge though, trust me! Not as much work in being a fuckhead, like look at Bez innit, gotta be much easier than trying to be a fucking mental DJ with proper technical skills, sounds fucking knackering too as you need someone proper sound there with you, who got their shit together, while you're fucked. Mental all the travelling too, non-stop, a right load of missions. Different if it private jets but when you know you've gotta get a coach or fucking Ryanair, you know it gonna be a toughie! Yeah, that's like proper hard work and it really is rough in that game; proper rough in the electronica jungle!

I tells it full on, you got to have some heavy tunes, some real dirty tunes, to back you up if you're really going to make it. No luvvie scholarships in that game, fuck it! Yeah, must've spent time just doing shitloads of love hearts too, me smiling muscles are proper fucked, I can't stop smiling. Going to turning into Zippy. When I look like that fucked up fucker I got to slowdown. He gotta bea heart attack waiting to happen, the amount of shit he does – it's superhuman, trust!

Fuck keep dropping out, fuck getting expelled again, fuck getting raided again, fuck busting it for those pointless shit jobs. It was all worth it for me. I'm a selfish cunt, what can I say? And the Mitzies were better then, too. I never got into smileys, super stars and love hearts, though I've done the lot for sure.

It'sall cool. It all gets blurry like you know like what'swhat? But you're fucked, when you're fucked you're fucked, right? When I'mlike that I munch up dog food, proper tripe zombie style! No fucking joke, I am such a fuckhead that I'll take any piece of shit you put in front of me. Anything for a fucking high, why do I do it? I love me family but I'll do anything. Just like that Alice in Chains tune I tried to sample. When you get that fucked find the Acid Crew, get the Ecstasy Crew! Fuckheads unite, stay alive and keep shit tight!

Yeah, all the legal high plant food nail varnish remover shit got to be respected, too. I mean, some of that illegal old legal shit is whack. I saw Crisp Roll’s arms turn blue when he done a lot of that drone shit. And five gees of ket on top of it all. He thought fucking secret service drones were coming after him, he was cracking me up! Fucking mental shit. He had loads of it as well.

I told him to cut it down, I think the hash cake saved him a little from drone explosion. Don’t ask how but he needed a rapid chuff down. He was going to go to some squat in Clapton to do some crystal meth but he was fucked. He needed a fucking ambulance, but Crisp’s used to doing the lot but when you’re fucked, you’re fucked. Crystal meth ain’t going to go away, that’s for sure! You know it! We all dig a nice bit of shake and bake. You never know what you might be missing, do you? Gets me thinking about rare pills I done, too. Like perfect designer type pills, so perfect creating the perfect buzz, I tell you! Yeah, those Facebooks aren't bad, either.

I gum most bash now to perk me brain up. It’s like some giant pickled onion that wants to get out. It ain't a great feeling, but it ain't bad. Fucking MDMA fucking wicked, so much decent quality going around helps me groove. Saying it, cut down dodgy bugle getting so cheap these days. Kids start snorting before they start chuffing spliffs today. Anyway, I hoover it up when I got it. But me nose gets so fucked up so quick, as I buy some harsh shit, sometimes it's like the worst bugle out there but I know fuckers like Goofer to get some awful bash that makes you go blind for a bit. Feel like your nose just going to take off then bleed forever!

I got to go easy on the nasal passages. It's down to the fact that you can never have a healthy cocaine habit when you're not really earning enough and you have to live by your wits end. Cheap bugle always raises an eyebrow, but it's something to snort, better than being bored out of your mind! And scam fuckers now and again, too! It can pay for some slightly better shit now and again, it's part of it. I've even got done, so it's all fair. I get done some times, as I'm pretty loaded, they can all see me coming. But I'll probably take mandy over bugle, in terms of quality control. If they had real legalised quality control, it'd be happy days. Too much speedy coke around too, though you know, it's something to snort if you're clucking! Shift your weight too! Yeah, I must've saved loads just sticking with dizzle, whatta mad one though!

To be fair, I getting into the karma thing, I ain't too bothered about quality no more, as long as I get sorted and get something off it, I'm fucking happy. Skunk, hash, weed, whatever. I'll do anything these days. Don't bother me if it wants to pass itself off as bath salts or kitchen degreaser. Bungle was using acid and dodgy methadone for a while, he's been on mad one since his hours got reduced at his shit job. He hates his job but I guess he don't want to lose it. He's never been in a fix, but it's a tough one for some people. Like some phony middle class hang-up enforced on working class fuckheads.

Getting weird. That mirror spinning up and down like a fruit machine got nothing on this. I can't be fucked to read back what I put, I get real hungry, yeah, so it's past five. It's not getting dark but lighter, it all dusky. I get thinking, I ain't had fuck to eat all day. Pussy don't count! That's when Bungle's bird comes in. She stares at me, real hard. She half looks pissed off.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?! she shouts.

Sounds more like WHADEEFUKIZDIZ? She’s some female London-version of Joe Dolce. Fucking proper trippy!

I pretend not to hear her. I think I might be having another flashback, but I’m trying well hard to just ignore it. You know it, fuckers! What? I say. I think I’m talking to someone I think might be there. Then she goes all quiet, probably thinking how spazzed I am. But I reckon she’s just brewing and looking around. I didn't clock all that Wigga-Yanky-Wanky-Hoppity-Hip shit chat anyway. Fucking skew it on the BBQ, right? You know what they can do with that all that.

Stick on Juggling then get some attitude. Fuck all that fake Yank shit. Fucking always going on how they got hip hop and house first, well we got techno jungle and D&B first. Sure without them both there wouldn't be any killer tunes, but we done something crazy with it, fucked them up which they get sore about, look how shit and lame hip hop is now. Half the kids ain't got a clue what they're chatting anyway.

I'm staring, taking way too long to figure what to say. She seemed to calm down, after a bit, must have sussed I'm zoned to fuck. She keeps looking around the place, dumping her handbag down and looking around the flat for something. Or someone! She stared at me again,