Mother's Remedies by Thomas Jefferson Ritter (positive books to read txt) 📕

impossible to succeed without their aid. The value of a pleasing manner can hardly be overestimated. Such a manner is as far from the self-assurance and presumptuous familiarity which some men assume under the idea that these are impressive, as night is from day.

Value of Courtesy.—Courtesy has a commercial value, and exerts no little influence upon a man's success in business. Polite attention and readiness to oblige bring customers again and again, where their lack would send people to rival houses.

We can forgive, in the intellectually great, or in the man of affairs who has done things worth doing, a lack of social training that would not be endured in a man with no such claim. Yet this is not saying that the great man would not command more unqualified admiration were he to practise the social graces instead of ignoring them. The truth is, the fact that we have to overlook the absence of these graces induces a more critical attitude toward his achievements. Great though he be in spite of his lack of courtesy, we feel he would have been greater had he known and practised the art of gentle manners.

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The Manners of the Gentleman.—These "gentle-manners," that make the "gentle man" are an indispensable requisite to success in society. They testify to a man's good breeding, to his social affiliations; they "place him." They often bring a man many things that wealth could not.

The rich boor is despised in spite of his money. The poor man may be popular because of his pleasing personality and his fine manner.

Men sometimes profess to despise those refinements that are associated with good manners, saying they detest affectations. But these things are not to be affectations. They should be the outward expression of inward kindness and good-will and unselfishness. The cultivation of good manners is a duty; somebody has said that "the true spirit of good manners is so nearly allied to that of good morals that they seem almost inseparable." John G. Holland says somewhere: "Young men would be thoroughly astonished if they could comprehend at a glance how greatly their personal happiness, popularity, prosperity, and usefulness depend on their manners." Emerson remarked that,—"Manners should bespeak the man, independent of fine clothes. The general does not need a fine coat."

A Matter of Training.—It may be that politeness is instinctive with some, but with most men (women also), it is a matter of training and habit, and careful discipline. In process of time courtesy becomes perfectly natural, so gracefully spontaneous it seems to be.

Here is where the mother's work in the early training of her sons comes in. Taught from childhood, by example and precept, the observances that make for good manners, the young man wears them as easily and as unconsciously as he does his clothes.

Politeness an Armor.—There is no better armor against rudeness and discourtesy than politeness. The individual is impervious to slights and snubs who can meet them with the courtesy which at once puts the common person in his proper place as the inferior.

A woman is shocked and repelled by disagreeable manners in a man, manifested in discourtesy toward her, by an awkward manner, coarse speech, incivility, neglect of the little attentions she expects of a man and which men of breeding render as a matter of course. A woman is more likely to fall in love with a homely man of pleasing address than with an Adonis so clad in self-complacency that he thinks politeness unnecessary, or one who does not know its forms.

THE ETIQUETTE OF THE HAT.

The first rule a man should observe in regard to his hat is never to wear it in the presence of women, save in the open. If mothers would take the trouble to train their small sons to rigid observance of the rule of removing their head covering the moment they enter the house there would, be fewer adults guilty of this particular discourtesy, which is at once the greatest and the most common. One occasionally sees a man wearing his hat and preceding a woman down the aisle of a theatre.

The expression, "tipping the hat," is a vulgarism. A man doesn't "tip" his hat, he raises it quite off his head.

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The Coachman's Salute.—The semi-military salute—raising the hand to the hat as if to lift it, but merely approaching the forefinger to the brim—is a discourtesy to a woman. Such a salute would bring a reproof in military circles; it is objectionable among men. Actually it is the manner in which a man-servant acknowledges an order from his master or mistress, and is not inaptly called "the coachman's salute."

A man wears his hat on the street, on the deck of the steamboat, in a picture-gallery or promenade concert-room. He removes it in a theatre, the opera-house, and the parlors of a hotel.

When to Raise the Hat.—Men raise their hats to each other on the street. They extend the same courtesy to all members of their family, of both sexes. A well-bred man raises his hat to his little daughter, as he would to his wife.

On the street, a man must wait for a lady to recognize him, but should be ready to remove his hat simultaneously with her greeting, raising and replacing it quickly. The fashion of removing the hat after meeting a lady is absurd. How does she know the courtesy has been extended?

When a man is with a lady who recognizes an acquaintance, he must raise his hat, whether he knows the individual or not. He should, however, keep his eyes straight ahead, not looking at the person.

If he meets a man walking with a lady whom he does not know, he waits the man's recognition.

A man removes his hat in an elevator if women enter or are already inside.
This rule is often ignored in large public buildings.

If a woman bows to a man in any place where it is his privilege to wear his hat, he removes his hat and does not replace it while she is talking with him. This rule applies everywhere except on the street. "A gentleman of the old school" will stand bareheaded on the street if exchanging a word or two with a lady; in such case she may request him to replace his hat.

A man when driving or motoring cannot remove his hat. He bends forward slightly and touches his hat brim with his whip, held upright, in the first case, and raises his hand to the visor of his cap in the latter.

At Other Times.—When he is able to render some slight service to a woman whom he does not know, she will thank him with a slight inclination of the head and a smile, and he should raise his hat. When he relinquishes his seat in the street car, he should give the lady a chance to acknowledge his courtesy, and then raise his hat.

Men raise their hats and stand uncovered as a funeral cortege passes into the church or from a house, and at the grave.

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They also stand uncovered when the United States flag is borne past, or the national hymn—the "Star Spangled Banner"—is played in public, at a military review, etc.

When a man passes a lady in the corridor of a hotel, or on the stairway, he should raise his hat.

When he takes leave of a lady, the same act of deference is expected.

Hat and Coat When Calling.—When calling, the man looks after his own hat, overcoat and stick. His hostess does not offer to relieve him of them, nor suggest the removal of his coat. He deposits his hat and stick on table or seat in the hall before entering the drawing-room, and takes off his overcoat if his call is to be prolonged. Or, he may take them all with him into the drawing room if his call is to be brief. In any event, it is his business to dispose of them according to his own pleasure.

RULES FOR PRECEDENCE.

A man precedes a woman in going down-stairs and follows her in going up.
This is that he may be in readiness to catch her should she fall.

He allows a woman to precede him on entering or leaving a room, and should open the door for her.

On entering a hotel dining-room the man may precede the lady to the table assigned them, on the occasion of their first meal, standing until she is seated. Afterwards, he may follow her as the head-waiter leads the way. Sometimes he permits her to precede him in the first case.

The question is sometimes asked who should follow the usher on entering church or theatre. The rule above stated obtains. The woman follows the usher; the man follows her.

The man allows the lady to enter the carriage first, but descends before her that he may assist her to alight. The same rule prevails in regard to entering and leaving a street car, etc.

ABOUT SMOKING.

The old rule of good manners: "A gentleman does not smoke in the presence of ladies," is many times violated in these modern times. There is a story of an elderly woman who, being asked if smoke was offensive to her, replied: "I do not know. No gentleman has ever smoked in my presence." The woman of today is more likely to answer "Oh, dear no! I love the odor of a good cigar." The truth is the cigar has become such a constant and apparently necessary adjunct to a man that to banish it is in effect to banish the man. And women prefer to endure the smoke rather than have the man absent himself. There are very few cafes and restaurants where men do not conclude their repast with a good cigar, even when entertaining ladies.

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Where Not to Smoke.—Nevertheless, there are times and places when and where a man should not smoke. When he is about to meet a lady he knows he removes his cigar before removing his hat and bowing. If he wishes to join the lady, walking a short distance with her, he throws away his cigar before doing so. He does not smoke, when driving with a lady, unless possibly in the country. He should not smoke when walking with her—but he often does, with her full consent and permission. In fact, women, as has been said, are responsible for men's lapses in the way of smoking.

A guest does not smoke in his host's house unless especially invited to do so, by his host, not some younger member of the family or another visitor.

At a dinner party at which ladies are present, men do not smoke until the ladies have left the dining-room.

It is a bad form to smoke when anyone is singing, unless in those free-and-easy places of amusement where "everything goes."

About Expectoration.—No man should smoke, anywhere or at any time, who cannot smoke without using a cuspidor. It is a practice so much worse than smoking, so thoroughly abominable in itself, that no man with any claim to good breeding or good manners permits himself to indulge in it.

In most homes, nowadays, men are permitted to smoke "all over the house." It is better, wherever possible, to let the man have a "den" where he may smoke with his friends. The practice of smoking in bedrooms is reprehensible; the air one will breathe through the night should not be vitiated.

BACHELOR HOSPITALITY.

"A bachelor's life is a splendid breakfast; a tolerably flat dinner; and a most miserable supper."

Being a bachelor does not excuse a man from certain forms of hospitality. Many "society men" live in apartments, at the present time, and may entertain the ladies who have favored them with invitations; in fact, it is expected that a man who has often been entertained will reciprocate in some fashion.

If a bachelor's quarters are too restricted for any other form of entertaining, he may give a theatre party, followed by a supper at some cafe. Or he may do this without the theatre party. Of course, such an entertainment is expensive, but he must remember that the ladies who have entertained him have spent a good deal of money on their fetes.

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The Bachelor and the Chaperon.—The first thing the bachelor must do is to secure a chaperon. She must be a married woman of unimpeachable reputation. Having