A Book of Burlesques by H. L. Mencken (free ebook reader for pc .txt) 📕

pushed to one side, and in place of it there is a small glass-topped bedside table. [160]On it, a large roll of aseptic cotton, several pads of gauze, a basin of bichloride, a pair of clinical thermometers in a little glass of alcohol, a dish of green soap, a beaker of two per cent. carbolic acid, and a microscope. In one corner stands a sterilizer, steaming pleasantly like a tea kettle. There are no decorations—no flowers, no white ribbons, no satin cushions. To the left a door leads into the Anesthetic Room. A pungent smell of ether, nitrous oxide, iodine, chlorine, wet laundry and scorched gauze. Temperature: 98.6 degrees Fahr.

The Clergyman is discovered standing behind the table in an expectant attitude. He is in the long white coat of a surgeon, with his head wrapped in white gauze and a gauze respirator over his mouth. His chunkiness suggests a fat, middle-aged Episcopal rector, but it is impossible to see either his face or his vestments. He wears rubber gloves of a dirty orange color, evidently much used. The Bridegroom and The Best Man have just emerged from the Anesthetic Room and are standing before him. Both are dressed exactly as he is, save that The Bridegroom’s rubber gloves are white. The benches running up the amphitheatre are filled with spectators, chiefly [161]women. They are in dingy oilskins, and most of them also wear respirators.

After a long and uneasy pause The Bride comes in from the Anesthetic Room on the arm of her Father, with the Four Bridesmaids following by twos. She is dressed in what appears to be white linen, with a long veil of aseptic gauze. The gauze testifies to its late and careful sterilization by yellowish scorches. There is a white rubber glove upon the Bride’s right hand, but that belonging to her left hand has been removed. Her Father is dressed like the Best Man. The Four Bridesmaids are in the garb of surgical nurses, with their hair completely concealed by turbans of gauze. As the Bride takes her place before the Clergyman, with the Bridegroom at her right, there is a faint, snuffling murmur among the spectators. It hushes suddenly as the Clergyman clears his throat.

The Clergyman

(In sonorous, booming tones, somewhat muffled by his respirator.) Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together in the face of this company to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony, which is commended [162]by God to be honorable among men, and therefore is not to be entered into inadvisedly or carelessly, or without due surgical precautions, but reverently, cleanly, sterilely, soberly, scientifically, and with the nearest practicable approach to bacteriological purity. Into this laudable and non-infectious state these two persons present come now to be joined and quarantined. If any man can show just cause, either clinically or microscopically, why they may not be safely sutured together, let him now come forward with his charts, slides and cultures, or else hereafter forever hold his peace.

(Several spectators shuffle their feet, and an old maid giggles, but no one comes forward.)

The Clergyman

(To the Bride and Bridegroom): I require and charge both of you, as ye will answer in the dreadful hour of autopsy, when the secrets of all lives shall be disclosed, that if either of you know of any lesion, infection, malaise, congenital defect, hereditary taint or other impediment, why ye may not be lawfully joined together in eugenic matrimony, ye do now confess it. For be ye well assured that if any persons are joined together otherwise than in [163]a state of absolute chemical and bacteriological innocence, their marriage will be septic, unhygienic, pathogenic and toxic, and eugenically null and void.

(The Bridegroom hands over a long envelope, from which the Clergyman extracts a paper bearing a large red seal.)

The Clergyman

(Reading): We, and each of us, having subjected the bearer, John Doe, to a rigid clinical and laboratory examination, in accordance with Form B-3 of the United States Public Health Service, do hereby certify that, to the best of our knowledge and belief, he is free from all disease, taint, defect, deformity or hereditary blemish, saving as noted herein. Temperature per ora, 98.6. Pulse, 76, strong. Respiration, 28.5. Wassermann,—2. Hb., 114%. Phthalein, 1st. hr., 46%; 2nd hr., 21%. W. B. C., 8,925. Free gastric HCl, 11.5%. No stasis. No lactic acid. Blood pressure, 122/77. No albuminuria. No glycosuria. Lumbar puncture: clear fluid, normal pressure.

Defects Noted. 1. Left heel jerk feeble. 2. Caries in five molars. 3. Slight acne rosacea. 4. Slight inequality of curvature in meridians [164]of right cornea. 5. Nicotine stain on right forefinger, extending to middle of second phalanx.

(Signed)
Sigismund Kraus, M.D.
Wm. T. Robertson, M.D.
James Simpson, M.D.

Subscribed and sworn to before me, a Notary Public for the Borough of Manhattan, City of New York, State of New York.

(Seal) Abraham Lechetitsky.

So much for the reading of the minutes. (To the Bride): Now for yours, my dear.

(The Bride hands up a similar envelope, from which The Clergyman extracts a similar document. But instead of reading it aloud, he delicately runs his eye through it in silence.)

The Clergyman

(The reading finished) Very good. Very creditable. You must see some good oculist about your astigmatism, my dear. Surely you want to avoid glasses. Come to my study on your return and I’ll give you the name of a trustworthy man. And now let us proceed with the ceremony of marriage. (To The Bridegroom): John, wilt thou have this woman to [165]be thy wedded wife, to live together in the holy state of eugenic matrimony? Wilt thou love her, comfort her, protect her from all protozoa and bacteria, and keep her in good health; and, forsaking all other, keep thee unto her only, so long as ye both shall live? If so, hold out your tongue.

(The Bridegroom holds out his tongue and The Clergyman inspects it critically.)

The Clergyman

(Somewhat dubiously) Fair. I have seen worse.... Do you smoke?

The Bridegroom

(Obviously lying) Not much.

The Clergyman

Well, how much?

The Bridegroom

Say ten cigarettes a day.

The Clergyman

And the stain noted on your right posterior phalanx by the learned medical examiners?

[166]

The Bridegroom

Well, say fifteen.

The Clergyman

(Waggishly) Or twenty to be safe. Better taper off to ten. At all events, make twenty the limit. How about the booze?

The Bridegroom

(Virtuously) Never!

The Clergyman

What! Never?

The Bridegroom

Well, never again!

The Clergyman

So they all say. The answer is almost part of the liturgy. But have a care, my dear fellow! The true eugenist eschews the wine cup. In every hundred children of a man who ingests one fluid ounce of alcohol a day, six will be left-handed, twelve will be epileptics and nineteen will suffer from adolescent albuminuria, with [167]delusions of persecution.... Have you ever had anthrax?

The Bridegroom

Not yet.

The Clergyman

Eczema?

The Bridegroom

No.

The Clergyman

Pott’s disease?

The Bridegroom

No.

The Clergyman

Cholelithiasis?

The Bridegroom

No.

The Clergyman

Do you have a feeling of distention after meals?

The Bridegroom

No.

The Clergyman

Have you a dry, hacking cough?

[168]

The Bridegroom

Not at present.

The Clergyman

Are you troubled with insomnia?

The Bridegroom

No.

The Clergyman

Dyspepsia?

The Bridegroom

No.

The Clergyman

Agoraphobia?

The Bridegroom

No.

The Clergyman

Do you bolt your food?

The Bridegroom

No.

The Clergyman

Have you lightning pains in the legs?

[169]

The Bridegroom

No.

The Clergyman

Are you a bleeder? Have you hæmophilia?

The Bridegroom

No.

The Clergyman

Erthrocythæmia? Nephroptosis? Fibrinous bronchitis? Salpingitis? Pylephlebitis? Answer yes or no.

The Bridegroom

No. No. No. No. No.

The Clergyman

Have you ever been refused life insurance? If so, when, by what company or companies, and why?

The Bridegroom

No.

The Clergyman

What is a staphylococcus?

The Bridegroom

No.

[170]

The Clergyman

(Sternly) What?

The Bridegroom

(Nervously) Yes.

The Clergyman

(Coming to the rescue) Wilt them have this woman et cetera? Answer yes or no.

The Bridegroom

I will.

The Clergyman

(Turning to The Bride) Mary, wilt thou have this gentleman to be thy wedded husband, to live together in the holy state of aseptic matrimony? Wilt thou love him, serve him, protect him from all adulterated victuals, and keep him hygienically clothed; and forsaking all others, keep thee only unto him, so long as ye both shall live? If so——

The Bride

(Instantly and loudly) I will.

[171]

The Clergyman

Not so fast! First, there is the little ceremony of the clinical thermometers. (He takes up one of the thermometers.) Open your mouth, my dear. (He Inserts the thermometer.) Now hold it there while you count one hundred and fifty. And you, too. (To The Bridegroom.) I had almost forgotten you. (The Bridegroom opens his mouth and the other thermometer is duly planted. While the two are counting, The Clergyman attempts to turn back one of The Bride’s eyelids, apparently searching for trachoma, but his rubber gloves impede the operation and so he gives it up. It is now time to read the thermometers. The Bridegroom’s is first removed.)

The Clergyman

(Reading the scale) Ninety-nine point nine. Considering everything, not so bad. (Then he removes and reads The Bride’s.) Ninety-eight point six. Exactly normal. Cool, collected, at ease. The classical self-possession of the party of the second part. And now, my dear, may I ask you to hold out your tongue? (The Bride does so.)

[172]

The Clergyman

Perfect.... There; that will do. Put it back.... And now for a few questions—just a few. First, do you use opiates in any form?

The Bride

No.

The Clergyman

Have you ever had goitre?

The Bride

No.

The Clergyman

Yellow fever?

The Bride

No.

The Clergyman

Hæmatomata?

The Bride

No.

The Clergyman

Siriasis or tachycardia?

The Bride

No.

[173]

The Clergyman

What did your maternal grandfather die of?

The Bride

Of chronic interstitial nephritis.

The Clergyman

(Interested) Ah, our old friend Bright’s! A typical case, I take, with the usual polyuria, œdema of the glottis, flame-shaped retinal hemorrhages and cardiac dilatation?

The Bride

Exactly.

The Clergyman

And terminating, I suppose, with the classical uræmic symptoms—dyspnœa, convulsions, uræmic amaurosis, coma and collapse?

The Bride

Including Cheyne-Stokes breathing.

The Clergyman

Ah, most interesting! A protean and beautiful malady! But at the moment, of course, [174]we can’t discuss it profitably. Perhaps later on.... Your father, I assume, is alive?

The Bride

(Indicating him) Yes.

The Clergyman

Well, then, let us proceed. Who giveth this woman to be married to this man?

The Bride’s Father

(With a touch of stage fright.) I do.

The Clergyman

(Reassuringly) You are in good health?

The Bride’s Father

Yes.

The Clergyman

No dizziness in the morning?

The Bride’s Father

No.

The Clergyman

No black spots before the eyes?

[175]

The Bride’s Father

No.

The Clergyman

No vague pains in the small of the back?

The Bride’s Father

No.

The Clergyman

Gout?

The Bride’s Father

No.

The Clergyman

Chilblains?

The Bride’s Father

No.

The Clergyman

Sciatica?

The Bride’s Father

No.

The Clergyman

Buzzing in the ears?

The Bride’s Father

No.

The Clergyman

Myopia? Angina pectoris?

[176]

The Bride’s Father

No.

The Clergyman

Malaria? Marasmus? Chlorosis? Tetanus? Quinsy? Housemaid’s knee?

The Bride’s Father

No.

The Clergyman

You had measles, I assume, in your infancy?

The Bride’s Father

Yes.

The Clergyman

Chicken pox? Mumps? Scarlatina? Cholera morbus? Diphtheria?

The Bride’s Father

Yes. Yes. No. Yes. No.

The Clergyman

You are, I assume, a multipara?