The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings by Mark Lemon (speed reading book txt) đź“•
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- Author: Mark Lemon
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Lord Peterborough was once taken by the mob for the great Duke of Marlborough (who was then in disgrace with them); and being about to be roughly treated, said,—"Gentlemen, I can convince you by two reasons that I am not the Duke of Marlborough. In the first place, I have only five guineas in my pocket; and in the second, they are heartily at your service." He got out of their hands with loud huzzas and acclamations.
CCCXXXVIII.—EPIGRAM ON CIBBER.The king had his poet and also his fool;
But now we're so frugal, I'd have you to know it,
That Cibber can serve both for fool and for poet.
CCCXXXIX.—A PROPHECY.
Charles Mathews, the elder, being asked what he was going to do with his son (the young man's profession was to be that of an architect), "Why," answered the comedian, "he is going to draw houses, like his father."
CCCXL.—A FIXTURE.Dr. Roger Long, the celebrated astronomer, was walking, one dark evening, with a gentleman in Cambridge, when the latter came to a short post fixed in the pavement, but which, in the earnestness of conversation, taking to be a boy standing in the path, he said hastily, "Get out of the way, boy."—"That boy," said the doctor, very seriously, "is a post-boy, who never turns out of the way for anybody."
CCCXLI.—FAMILY PRIDE.A young lady visiting in the family asked John at dinner for a potato. John made no response. The request was repeated; when John, putting his mouth to her ear, said, very audibly, "There's jist twa in the dish, and they maun be keepit for the strangers."[Pg 75]
CCCXLII.—EVIDENCE OF A JOCKEY.The following dialogue was lately heard at an assize:—Counsel: "What was the height of the horse?" Witness: "Sixteen feet." Counsel: "How old was he?" Witness: "Six years." Counsel: "How high did you say he was?" Witness: "Sixteen hands." Counsel: "You said just now sixteen feet." Witness: "Sixteen feet! Did I say sixteen feet?" Counsel: "You did." Witness: "If I did say sixteen feet, it was sixteen feet!—you don't catch me crossing myself!"
CCCXLIII.—WAY OF THE WORLD.To ask the opinion and thoughts of a friend;
Should his differ from ours on any pretence,
We pity his want both of judgment and sense;
But if he falls into and flatters our plan,
Why, really we think him a sensible man.
CCCXLIV.—A BROAD-SHEET HINT.
In the parlor of a public-house in Fleet Street, there used to be written over the chimney-piece the following notice: "Gentlemen learning to spell are requested to use yesterday's paper."
CCCXLV.—MODEST MERIT.A player applied to the manager of a respectable company for an engagement for himself and his wife, stating that his lady was capable of playing all the first line of business; but as for himself he was "the worst actor in the world." They were engaged, and the lady answered the character which he had given of her. The gentleman having the part of a mere walking gentleman sent him for his first appearance, he asked the manager, indignantly, how could he put him in such a paltry part. "Sir," answered the other, "here is your own letter, stating that you were the worst actor in the world."—"True," replied the other, "but then I had not seen you."[Pg 76]
CCCXLVI.—SOFT, VERY!Some one had written upon a pane in the window of an inn on the Chester road, "Lord M——ms has the softest lips in the universe.—Phillis." Mrs. Abingdon saw this inscription, and wrote under it,—
Are his head and his lips.—Amarillis."
CCCXLVII.—CAMBRIDGE ETIQUETTE.
Cambridge etiquette has been very happily caricatured by the following anecdote. A gownsman, one day walking along the banks of the Cam, observing a luckless son of his Alma Mater in the agonies of drowning, "What a pity," he exclaimed, "that I have not had the honor of being introduced to the gentleman; I might have saved him;" and walked on, leaving the poor fellow to his fate.
CCCXLVIII.—EPIGRAM.(On interminable harangues.)
If ye be troubled with remorse,
And will not cut ——'s thread of life,
Cut then the thread of his discourse.
CCCXLIX.—HALF-WAY.
A horseman crossing a moor, asked a countryman, if it was safe riding. "Ay," answered the countryman, "it is hard enough at the bottom, I'll warrant you;" but in half-a-dozen steps the horse sunk up to the girths. "You story-telling rascal, you said it was hard at the bottom!"—"Ay," replied the other, "but you are not half-way to the bottom yet."
CCCL.—SELF-KNOWLEDGE."——," said one of his eulogists, "always knows his own mind." We will cede the point, for it amounts to an admission that he knows nothing.[Pg 77]
CCCLI.—TWO OF A TRADE.When Bannister was asked his opinion of a new singer that had appeared at Covent Garden, "Why," said Charles, "he may be Robin Hood this season, but he will be robbing Harris (the manager) the next."
CCCLII.—A STRAY SHOT.An officer, in battle, happening to bow, a cannon-ball passed over his head, and took off that of the soldier who stood behind him. "You see," said he, "that a man never loses by politeness."
CCCLIII.—MILESIAN ADVICE."Never be critical upon the ladies," was the maxim of an old Irish peer, remarkable for his homage to the sex; "the only way in the world that a true gentleman ever will attempt to look at the faults of a pretty woman, is to shut his eyes."
CCCLIV.—MR. ABERNETHY.A lady who went to consult Mr. Abernethy, began describing her complaint, which is what he very much disliked. Among other things she said, "Whenever I lift my arm, it pains me exceedingly."—"Why then, ma'am," answered Mr. A., "you area great fool for doing so."
CCCLV.—THE DEBT PAID.But John, unhappily, thought fit
To publish it to all the nation;
Sure John and I are more than quit.
CCCLVI.—EXTREMES MEET.
A clever literary friend of Jerrold, and one who could take a joke, told him he had just had "some calf's-tail soup."—"Extremes meet sometimes," said Jerrold.[Pg 78]
CCCLVII.—A COMPLIMENT ILL-RECEIVED.A person who dined in company with Dr. Johnson endeavored to make his court to him by laughing immoderately at everything he said. The doctor bore it for some time with philosophical indifference; but the impertinent ha, ha, ha! becoming intolerable, "Pray, sir," said the doctor, "what is the matter? I hope I have not said anything that you can comprehend."
CCCLVIII.—TRUTH NOT TO BE SPOKEN AT ALL TIMES.Garrick was on a visit at Hagley, when news came that a company of players were going to perform at Birmingham. Lord Lyttelton said to Garrick, "They will hear you are in the neighborhood, and will ask you to write an address to the Birmingham audience."—"Suppose, then," said Garrick, without the least hesitation, "I begin thus:—
Who have not heads to think, nor hearts to feel—"
"Oh!" cried his lordship, "if you begin thus, they will hiss the players off the stage and pull the house down."—"My lord," said Garrick, "what is the use of an address if it does not come home to the business and bosoms of the audience?"
CCCLIX.—A GOOD REASON.A gentleman, talking with his gardener, expressed his admiration at the rapid growth of the trees. "Why, yes, sir," says the man; "please to consider that they have nothing else to do."
CCCLX.—FOLLOWING A LEADER.Franklin, when ambassador to France, being at a meeting of a literary society, and not well understanding the French when declaimed, determined to applaud when he saw a lady of his acquaintance express satisfaction. When they had ceased, a little child, who understood the French, said to him, "But, grandpapa, you always applauded the loudest when they were praising you!" Franklin laughed heartily and explained the matter.[Pg 79]
CCCLXI.—IDOLATRY.The toilette of a woman is an altar erected by self-love to vanity.
CCCLXII.—TWICE RUINED."I never was ruined but twice," said a wit; "once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I gained one."
CCCLXIII.—Q.E.D.A country schoolmaster was met by a certain nobleman, who asked his name and vocation. Having declared his name, he added, "And I am master of this parish."—"Master of this parish," observed the peer, "how can that be?"—"I am master of the children of the parish," said the man; "the children are masters of their mothers, the mothers are rulers of the fathers, and consequently I am master of the whole parish."
CCCLXIV.—SHORT STORIES.Sir Walter Scott once stated that he kept a lowland laird waiting for him in the library at Abbotsford, and that when he came in he found the laird deep in a book which Sir Walter perceived to be Johnson's Dictionary. "Well, Mr. ——," said Sir Walter, "how do you like your book?"—"They're vera pretty stories, Sir Walter," replied the laird; "but they're unco' short."
CCCLXV.—ON A LADY WHO SQUINTED.Who boasted of a hundred eyes,
Sure greater praise to her is due,
Who looks a hundred ways with two.
CCCLXVI.—AN ORIGINAL ATTRACTION.
Foote one evening announced, for representation at the Haymarket Theatre, "The Fair Penitent," to be performed, for that night only, by a black lady of great accomplishments.[Pg 80]
CCCLXVII.—DEMOCRATIC VISION.Horne Tooke, being asked by George III. whether he played at cards, replied, "I cannot, your Majesty, tell a king from a knave."
CCCLXVIII.—FISHY, RATHER.Lord Ellenborough, on his return from Hone's trial, suddenly stopped his carriage at Charing Cross, and said, "It occurs to me that they sell the best herrings in London at that shop. Buy six."
CCCLXIX.—LIGHT BREAD.A baker has invented a new kind of yeast. It makes bread so light that a pound of it weighs only twelve ounces.
CCCLXX.—SOMETHING LIKE AN INSULT.The late Judge C—— one day had occasion to examine a witness who stuttered very much in delivering his testimony. "I believe," said his lordship, "you are a very great rogue."—"Not so great a rogue as you my lord,—t-t-t-take me to be."
CCCLXXI.—ON CHARLES KEAN, THE ACTOR.On velvet rests, 'tis said;
Ah! did he seek a softer place,
He'd rest upon his head.
CCCLXXII.—POLITICAL CORRUPTION.
Curran, when opposed to Lord Clare, said that he reminded him of a chimney-sweep, who had raised himself by dark and dusky ways, and then called aloud to his neighbors to witness his dirty elevation.
CCCLXXIII.—A QUAKERLY OBJECTION.A quaker being asked his opinion of phrenology, replied indignantly, "Friend, there can be no good in a science that compels a man to take off his hat!"[Pg 81]
CCCLXXIV.—A GOOD-HEARTED FELLOW.In a valedictory address an editor wrote: "If we have offended any man in the short but brilliant course of our public career, let him send us a new hat, and we will then forget the past." A cool chap that!
CCCLXXV.—EPIGRAM ON THE DEATH OF FOOTE.Death took him off, who took off all the world.
CCCLXXVI.—THE ANGRY OCEAN.
"Mother, this book tells about the angry waves of the ocean. Now, what makes the ocean get angry?"—"Because it has been crossed so often, my son."
CCCLXXVII.—BREVITY.Dr. Abernethy, the celebrated physician, was never more displeased than by hearing a patient detail a long account of troubles. A woman, knowing Abernethy's love of the laconic, having burned her hand, called at his house. Showing him her hand, she said, "A burn."—"A poultice," quietly answered the learned doctor. The next day she returned, and said, "Better."—"Continue the poultice," replied Dr. A. In a week she made her last call and her speech was lengthened to three words,
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