The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings by Mark Lemon (speed reading book txt) đź“•
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- Author: Mark Lemon
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The author of "Alexander the Great," whilst confined in a madhouse, was visited by Sir Roger L'Estrange, of whose political abilities Lee entertained no very high opinion. Upon the knight inquiring whether the poet knew him, Lee answered:—
But I am still strange Lee, and you L'Estrange:
I'm poor in purse as you are poor in brains."
CXC.—MAIDS AND WIVES.
Women are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk: once make 'em wives, and they lean their backs against their marriage certificates, and defy you.—D.J.
CXCI.—TRAGEDY MS.Liston, seeing a parcel lying on the table in the entrance-hall of Drury Lane Theatre, one side of which, from its having travelled to town by the side of some game, was smeared with blood, observed, "That parcel contains a manuscript tragedy." And on being asked why, replied, "Because the fifth act is peeping out at one corner of it."
CXCII.—A TRUE COURTIER.One day, when Sir Isaac Heard was in company with George III., it was announced that his majesty's horse was ready for hunting. "Sir Isaac," said the king, "are you a judge of horses?"—"In my younger days, please your majesty, I was a great deal among them," was the reply. "What do you think of this, then?" said the king, who was by this time preparing to mount his favorite: and, without waiting for an answer, added, "we call him. Perfection."—"A most appropriate name," replied the courtly herald, bowing as his majesty reached the saddle, "for he bears the best of characters."
CXCIII.—RARE VIRTUE.The paucity of some persons' good actions reminds one[Pg 44] of Jonathan Wild, who was once induced to be guilty of a good action, after fully satisfying himself, upon the maturest deliberation, that he could gain nothing by refraining from it.
CXCIV.—A POSER.A coxcomb in a coffee-house boasted that he had written a certain popular song, just as the true author entered the room. A friend of his pointed to the coxcomb: "See, sir, the real author of your favorite song."—"Well," replied the other, "the gentleman might have made it, for I assure him I found no difficulty in doing it myself."
CXCV.—A SHEEPISH COMPLIMENT.Lord Cockburn, the proprietor of Bonaly, was sitting on the hillside with a shepherd, and, observing the sheep reposing in the coldest situation, he remarked to him, "John, if I were a sheep, I would lie on the other side of the hill." The shepherd answered, "Ah, my lord, but if ye had been a sheep ye would hae had mair sense."
CXCVI.—CONSIDERABLE LATITUDE.Sir Richard Jebb being called to see a patient who fancied himself very ill, told him ingenuously what he thought, and declined prescribing for him. "Now you are here," said the patient, "I shall be obliged to you, Sir Richard, if you will tell me how I must live; what I may eat, and what I may not."—"My directions as to that point," replied Sir Richard, "will be few and simple! You must not eat the poker, shovel, or tongs, for they are hard of digestion; nor the bellows, because they are windy; but eat anything else you please!"
CXCVII.—FARMER AND ATTORNEY.An opulent farmer applied to an attorney about a lawsuit, but was told he could not undertake it, being already engaged on the other side; at the same time he gave him a letter of recommendation to a professional friend. The farmer, out of curiosity, opened it, and read as follows:[Pg 45]—
If you'll fleece one, I'll fleece the other,
And make 'em agree like brother and brother."
The perusal of this epistle cured both parties, and terminated the dispute.
CXCVIII.—A WIFE AT FORTY."My notion of a wife at forty," said Jerrold, "is, that a man should be able to change her, like a bank-note, for two twenties."
CXCIX.—DISAPPROBATION.An actor played a season at Richmond theatre for the privilege only of having a benefit. When his night came, and having to sustain a principal part in the piece, the whole of his audience (thirty in number), hissed him whenever he appeared. When the piece ended, he came forward and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I return you my sincere thanks for your kindness, but when you mean to hiss me again on my benefit night, I hope you will be at least six times as many as are here to-night."
CC.—NOVEL OFFENCE.Cooke and Dibdin went, at a tolerably steady quick-step, as far as the middle of Greek Street, when Cooke, who had passed his hand along all the palisades and shutters as he marched, came in contact with the recently-painted new front of a coachmaker's shop, from which he obtained a complete handful of wet color. Without any explanation as to the cause of his anger, he rushed suddenly into the middle of the street, and raised a stone to hurl against the unoffending windows; but Dibdin was in time to save them from destruction, and him from the watch-house. On being asked the cause of his hostility to the premises of a man who could not have offended him, he replied, with a hiccup, "what! not offend? A —— ignorant coachmaker, to leave his house out, new-painted, at this time of night!"[Pg 46]
CCI.—MEASURING HIS DISTANCE.A browbeating counsel asked a witness how far he had been from a certain place. "Just four yards, two feet, and six inches," was the reply. "How came you to be so exact, my friend?"—"Because I expected some fool or other would ask me, and so I measured it."
CCII.—VERY CLEAR."What is light?" asked a schoolmaster of the booby of a class. "A sovereign that isn't full weight is light," was the prompt reply.
CCIII.—BROTHERLY LOVE."Ah!" said a conceited young parson, "I have this afternoon been preaching to a congregation of asses."—"Then that was the reason why you always called them beloved brethren," replied a strong-minded lady.
CCIV.—EPIGRAM.The electors would find him as good as his word!
"As good as his word," did you say, "gracious me!
What a terrible scamp little Turncoat must be!"
CCV.—MODEST.
It has been said that a lady once asked Lord B—g—m who was the best debater in the House of Lords. His lordship modestly replied, "Lord Stanley is the second, madam."
CCVI.—A JOINT CONCERN.A stupid fellow employed in blowing a cathedral organ, said after the performance of a fine anthem, "I think we performed very well to-day."—"We performed!" answered the organist; "I think it was I performed, or I am much mistaken." Shortly after another celebrated piece of music was to be played. In the middle of the anthem the organ stopped; the organist cried out in a passion, "Why don't you blow?" The fellow[Pg 47] popped out his head from behind the organ, and said, "Shall it be we then?"
CCVII.—PROFESSIONAL.An editor at a dinner-table being asked if he would take some pudding, replied, in a fit of abstraction, "Owing to a crowd of other matter, we are unable to find room for it."
CCVIII.—A GOOD REASON.A rich peer resolved to make his will; and having remembered all his domestics except his steward, the omission was respectfully pointed out to him by the lawyer. "I shall leave him nothing," said the nobleman, "because he has served me these twenty years."
CCIX.—ON A BAD MAN.Will is restrain'd from doing ill;
His mind a porcupine appears,
A porcupine without a quill.
CCX.—A CLEVER DOG.
After witnessing the first representation of a dog-piece by Reynolds, called the "Caravan," Sheridan suddenly came into the green-room, on purpose, it was imagined, to wish the author joy. "Where is he?" was the first question: "where is my guardian angel?"—"Here I am," answered Reynolds. "Pooh!" replied Sheridan, "I don't mean you, I mean the dog."
CCXI.—A KNOTTY POINT.The Bristol magistrates were at the time of the great riots scattered through the town. They argued that under the circumstances it was impossible they could have been collected.
CCXII.—GEORGE SELWYN.This gentleman, travelling in a stage-coach, was interrupted[Pg 48] by the frequent impertinence of a companion, who was constantly teazing him with questions and asking him how he did. "How are you now, sir?" said the impertinent. George, in order to get rid of his importunity, replied, "Very well; and I intend to continue so all the rest of the journey."
CCXIII.—EMPEROR OF CHINA.Sir G. Staunton related a curious anecdote of old Kien Long, Emperor of China. He was inquiring of Sir George the manner in which physicians were paid in England. When, after some difficulty, his majesty was made to comprehend the system, he exclaimed, "Is any man well in England, that can afford to be ill? Now, I will inform you," said he, "how I manage my physicians. I have four, to whom the care of my health is committed: a certain weekly salary is allowed them, but the moment I am ill, the salary stops till I am well again. I need not inform you my illnesses are usually short."
CCXIV.—LANDLORD AND TENANTS.I'm so plaguily pinch'd for the pelf."
"Raise my rent!" replies Thomas; "your honor's main good;
For I never can raise it myself."
CCXV.—AN UGLY DOG.
Jerrold had a favorite dog that followed him everywhere. One day in the country, a lady who was passing turned round and said, audibly, "What an ugly little brute!" whereupon Jerrold, addressing the lady, replied, "Oh, madam! I wonder what he thinks about us at this moment!"
CCXVI.—THE WRONG LEG.Mathews being invited by D'Egville to dine one day with him at Brighton, D'Egville inquired what was Mathews's favorite dish? A roasted leg of pork, with sage and onions. This was provided; and D'Egville, carving,[Pg 49] could not find the stuffing. He turned the joint about, but in vain. Poole was at table, and, in his quiet way, said, "Don't make yourself unhappy, D'Egville; perhaps it is in the other leg."
CCXVII.—FEMALE TALKERS.It was customary in some parish churches for the men to be placed on one side, and the women on the other. A clergyman, in the midst of his sermon, found himself interrupted by the talking of some of the congregation, of which he was obliged to take notice. A woman immediately rose, and wishing to clear her own sex from the aspersion, said: "Observe, at least, your reverence, it is not on our side."—"So much the better, good woman, so much the better," answered the clergyman; "it will be the sooner over."
CCXVIII.—FIGHTING BY MEASURE.The usual place of resort for Dublin duellists was called the Fifteen Acres. An attorney of that city, in penning a challenge, thought most likely he was drawing a lease, and invited his antagonist to meet him at "the place called Fifteen Acres—'be the same more or less.'"
CCXIX.—SUGGESTION."Do you know what made my voice so melodious?" said a celebrated vocal performer, of awkward manners, to Charles Bannister. "No," replied the other. "Why, then, I'll tell you: when I was about fifteen, I swallowed, by accident, some train oil."—"I don't think," rejoined Bannister, "it would have done you any harm if, at the same time, you had swallowed a dancing-master!"
CCXX.—THE FORCE OF SATIRE.Jacob Johnson, the publisher, having refused to advance Dryden a sum of money for a work upon which he was engaged, the incensed bard sent a message to him, and the following lines, adding, "Tell the dog that he who wrote these can write more":[Pg 50]—
With two left legs, and Judas-colored hair,
And frowsy pores, that taint the ambient air!"
Johnson felt the force of the description; and, to avoid, a completion of the portrait, immediately sent the money.
CCXXI.—THE ANGLO-FRENCH ALLIANCE.Jerrold was in France, and with a Frenchman who was enthusiastic on the subject of the Anglo-French alliance. He said that he was proud to see the English and French such good friends at last. "Tut! the best thing I know between France and England is—the sea," said Jerrold.
CCXXII.—QUIN'S SAYING.On the 30th of January (the martyrdom of King Charles the First), Quin used to say, "Every king in Europe would rise
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