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with a crick in his neck." CCXXIII.—A GOOD REASON.

A certain minister going to visit one of his sick parishioners, asked him how he had rested during the night. "Oh, wondrous ill, sir," replied he, "for mine eyes have not come together these three nights."—"What is the reason of that?" said the other. "Alas! sir," said he, "because my nose was betwixt them."

CCXXIV.—BILLY BROWN AND THE COUNSELLOR.

When Mr. Sheridan pleaded in court his own cause, and that of the Drury Lane Theatre, an Irish laborer, known amongst the actors by the name of Billy Brown, was called upon to give his evidence. Previous to his going into court, the counsellor, shocked at the shabby dress of the witness, began to remonstrate with him on this point: "You should have put on your Sunday clothes, and not think of coming into court covered with lime and brick-dust; it detracts from the credit of your evidence."—"Be cool, Mr. Counsellor," said Billy, "only be cool, you're in your working-dress, and I am in mine; and that's that."[Pg 51]

CCXXV.—THE RULING PASSION AFTER DEATH.

A drunken witness leaving the box, blurted out, "My Lord, I never cared for anything but women and horseflesh!" Mr. Justice Maule: "Oh, you never cared for anything but women and horseflesh? Then I advise you to go home and make your will, or, if you have made it, put a codicil to it, and direct your executors, as soon as you are dead, to have you flayed, and to have your skin made into side-saddles, and then, whatever happens, you will have the satisfaction of reflecting that, after death, some part of you will be constantly in contact with what, in life, were the dearest objects of your affections."

CCXXVI.—CUT AND COME AGAIN.

A gentleman who was on a tour, attended by an Irish servant-man, who drove the vehicle, was several times puzzled with the appearance of a charge in the man's daily account, entered as "Refreshment for the horse, 2d." At length he asked Dennis about it. "Och! sure," said he, "it's whipcord it is!"

CCXXVII.—CALIBAN'S LOOKING-GLASS.

A remarkably ugly and disagreeable man sat opposite Jerrold at a dinner-party. Before the cloth was removed, Jerrold accidentally broke a glass. Whereupon the ugly gentleman, thinking to twit his opposite neighbor with great effect, said slily, "What, already, Jerrold! Now I never break a glass."—"I wonder at that," was Jerrold's instant reply, "you ought whenever you look in one."

CCXXVIII.—UNION IS STRENGTH.

A kind-hearted, but somewhat weak-headed, parishioner in the far north got into the pulpit of the parish church one Sunday before the minister, who happened on that day to be rather behind time. "Come down, Jamie," said the minister, "that's my place."—"Come ye up, sir," replied Jamie; "they are a stiff-necked and rebellious generation the people o' this place, and it will take us baith to manage them."[Pg 52]

CCXXIX.—FRENCH PRECIPITATION.

The late Mr. PĂ©tion, who was sent over into this country to acquire a knowledge of our criminal law, is said to have declared himself thoroughly informed upon the subject, after remaining precisely two-and-thirty minutes in the Old Bailey.

CCXXX.—MAKING IT UP.

An attorney being informed by his cook that there was not dinner enough provided, upon one occasion when company were expected, he asked if she had brothed the clerks. She replied that she had done so. "Well then," said he, "broth 'em again."

CCXXXI.—OLD STORIES OVER AGAIN.

Bubb Doddington was very lethargic. Falling asleep one day, after dinner with Sir Richard Temple and Lord Cobham, the latter reproached Doddington with his drowsiness. Doddington denied having been asleep; and to prove he had not, offered to repeat all Lord Cobham had been saying. Cobham challenged him to do so. Doddington repeated a story; and Lord Cobham owned he had been telling it. "Well," said Doddington, "and yet I did not hear a word of it; but I went to sleep, because I knew that about this time of day you would tell that story."

CCXXXII.—HUMOR UNDER DIFFICULTIES.

A critic one day talked to Jerrold about the humor of a celebrated novelist, dramatist, and poet, who was certainly no humorist.

"Humor!" exclaimed Jerrold, "why he sweats at a joke, like a Titan at a thunderbolt!"

CCXXXIII.—EQUALITY.

Some one was praising our public schools to Charles Landseer, and said, "All our best men were public school men. Look at our poets. There's Byron, he was a Harrow boy—"—"Yes," interrupted Charles, "and there's Burns,—he was a ploughboy."[Pg 53]

CCXXXIV.—QUITE NATURAL.

"Did any of you ever see an elephant's skin?" asked the master of an infant school in a fast neighborhood.—"I have!" shouted a six-year-old at the foot of the class. "Where?" inquired old spectacles, amused by his earnestness. "On the elephant!" was the reply.

CCXXXV.—MISER'S CHARITY.

An illiterate person, who always volunteered to "go round with the hat," but was suspected of sparing his own pocket, overhearing once a hint to that effect, replied, "Other gentlemen puts down what they thinks proper, and so do I. Charity's a private concern, and what I give is nothing to nobody."

CCXXXVI.—SHAKING HANDS.

At a duel the parties discharged their pistols without effect, whereupon one of the seconds interfered, and proposed that the combatants should shake hands. To this the other second objected, as unnecessary,—"For," said he, "their hands have been shaking this half-hour."

CCXXXVII.—MILTON ON WOMAN.

Milton was asked by a friend whether he would instruct his daughters in the different languages: to which he replied, "No, sir; one tongue is sufficient for a woman."

CCXXXVIII.—EPIGRAM.

(On bank notes being made a legal tender.)

The privilege hard money to demand,
It seems but fair the public should surrender;
For I confess I ne'er could understand
Why cash called hard, should be a legal tender.
CCXXXIX.—A GOOD REASON.

"That's a pretty bird, grandma," said a little boy. "Yes," replied the old dame, "and he never cries."—"That's because he's never washed," rejoined the youngster.[Pg 54]

CCXL.—ON FARREN, THE ACTOR.
If Farren, cleverest of men,
Should go to the right about,
What part of town will he be then?
Why, "Farren-done-without!"
CCXLI.—PADDY'S LOGIC.

"The sun is all very well," said an Irishman, "but the moon is worth two of it; for the moon affords us light in the night-time, when we want it, whereas the sun's with us in the day-time, when we have no occasion for it."

CCXLII.—WARNING TO LADIES.

Beware of falling in love with a pair of moustaches, till you have ascertained whether their wearer is the original proprietor.

CCXLIII.—A MOT OF DE FOE.

When Sir Richard Steele was made a member of the Commons, it was expected from his writings that he would have been an admirable orator; but not proving so, De Foe said, "He had better have continued the Spectator than the Tatler."

CCXLIV.—A FAIR REPULSE.

At the time of the threatened invasion, the laird of Logan had been taunted at a meeting at Ayr with want of a loyal spirit at Cumnock, as at that place no volunteer corps had been raised to meet the coming danger; Cumnock, it should be recollected, being on a high situation, and ten or twelve miles from the coast. "What sort of people are you, up at Cumnock?" said an Ayr gentleman; "you have not a single volunteer!"—"Never you heed," says Logan, very quietly; "if the French land at Ayr, there will soon be plenty of volunteers up at Cumnock."

CCXLV.—CLAW AND CLAW.

Lord Erskine and Dr. Parr, who were both remarkably[Pg 55] conceited, were in the habit of conversing together, and complimenting each other on their respective abilities. On one of these occasions, Parr promised that he would write Erskine's epitaph; to which the other replied, that "such an intention on the doctor's part was almost a temptation to commit suicide."

CCXLVI.—THE BISHOP AND HIS PORTMANTEAU.

The other day, a certain bishop lost his portmanteau. The circumstance has given rise to the following:—

I have lost my portmanteau—
"I pity your grief;"
It contained all my sermons—
"I pity the thief."
CCXLVII.—FORCE OF NATURE.

S——'s head appears to be placed in most accurate conformity with the law of nature, in obedience to which that which is most empty is generally uppermost.

CCXLVIII.—BLOWING A NOSE.

Sir William Chere had a very long nose, and was playing at backgammon with old General Brown. During this time, Sir William, who was a snuff-taker, was continually using his snuff-box. Observing him leaning continually over the table, and being at the same time in a very bad humor with the game, the general said, "Sir William, blow your nose!"—"Blow it yourself!" said Sir William; "'tis as near you as me!"

CCXLIX.—TOO CIVIL.

Macklin one night sitting at the back of the front boxes, with a gentleman of his acquaintance, an underbred lounger stood up immediately before him, and covered the sight of the stage entirely from him. Macklin patted him gently on the shoulder with his cane, and, with much seeming civility, requested "that when he saw or heard anything that was entertaining on the stage, to let him and the gentleman with him know of it, as at present we must[Pg 56] totally depend on your kindness." This had the desired effect,—and the lounger walked off.

CCL.—TORY LIBERALITY.

A certain anti-illuminating marquis, since the memorable night of the passing of the Reform Bill, has constantly kept open house, at least, so we are informed by a person who lately looked in at his windows.

CCLI.—A CAPITAL JOKE.

Lord Braxfield (a Scotch judge) once said to an eloquent culprit at the bar, "You're a vera clever chiel, mon, but I'm thinking ye wad be nane the waur o' a hanging."

CCLII.—PIG-HEADED.

Mr. Justice P——, a well-meaning but particularly prosing judge, on one of his country circuits had to try a man for stealing a quantity of copper. In his charge he had frequent occasion to mention the "copper," which he uniformly called "lead," adding, "I beg your pardon, gentlemen,—copper; but I can't get the lead out of my head!" At this candid confession the whole court shouted with laughter.

CCLIII.—BURIED WORTH.

Sir Thomas Overbury says, that the man who has not anything to boast of but his illustrious ancestors, is like a potato,—the only good belonging to him is underground.

CCLIV.—A JUST DEBTOR.

On one occasion Lord Alvanley had promised a person 100l. as a bribe, to conceal something which would have involved the reputation of a lady. On that person's application for the money, his lordship wrote a check for 25l. and presented it to him. "But, my lord, you promised me 100l."—"True," said his lordship, "I did so; but you know, Mr. ——, that I am now making arrangements with all my creditors at 5s. in the pound. Now you must[Pg 57] see, Mr. ——, that if I were to pay you at a higher rate than I pay them, I should be doing my creditors an injustice!"

CCLV.—A SOUND CONCLUSION.

Sir William Curtis sat near a gentleman at a civic dinner, who alluded to the excellence of the knives, adding, that "articles manufactured from cast steel were of a very superior quality, such as razors, forks, &c."—"Ay," replied the facetious baronet, "and soap too—there's no soap like Castile soap."

CCLVI.—CUTTING HIS COAT.

When Brummell was the great oracle on coats, the Duke of Leinster was very anxious to bespeak the approbation of the "Emperor of the Dandies" for a "cut" which he had just patronized. The Duke, in the course of his eulogy on his Schneider, had frequent occasion to use the words "my coat."—"Your coat, my dear fellow," said Brummell: "what coat?"—"Why, this coat," said Leinster; "this coat that I have on." Brummell, after regarding the vestment with an air of infinite scorn, walked up to the Duke, and taking the collar between his finger and thumb, as if fearful of contamination,—"What, Duke, do you call that thing a coat?"

CCLVII.—NON SEQUITUR.

One of Sir Boyle Roche's children asked him one day, "Who was the father of George III.?"—"My darling," he answered, "it was Frederick, Prince of Wales, who would have been George III. if he had lived."

CCLVIII.—ANY PORT IN A STORM.

A very worthy, though not particularly erudite, under-writer at Lloyd's was conversing one day with a friend on the subject of a ship they had mutually insured. His friend observed, "Do you know that I suspect our ship is in jeopardy?"—"Well, I am glad that she has got into some port at last," replied the other.[Pg 58]

CCLIX.—INGRATITUDE.

When Brennan, the noted highwayman, was taken in the south of Ireland, a banker, whose notes at that time were not held in the highest estimation, assured the prisoner that he was very glad to see him there at last. Brennan, looking up, replied,

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