The Ten Pleasures of Marriage<br />and the Second Part, The Confession of the New Married Couple by A. Marsh (best free novels txt) 📕

Let it no waies molest or trouble you, but rather be pleasing and acceptable, if she be continually chattering at you, and desiring your advice and councell, who she shall make choice of or not; hereby you may observe, that you have a very carefull wife; and if you listen a little more narrowly, you will hear what a special care she hath for all things; then she will every day be relating to you that amongst the number of Midwives which have been recommended to her, there is not one that pleases her; for one is too young and unexperienced, another is too old and doting; a third is too big handed; a fourth hath too much talk; and the fifth drinks too much wine. To be short there is so many deficiencies in every one of them, that the good woman hath need of a learned Counsellors advice to help her to chuse the best.

And the like trouble hath she also concerning the taking of a Nurse, having already spent above a months time in examining among her kindred and relations, and other good acquaintance, how such and such nurses have behaved themselves; & she is informed that there are few to be found but have certainly some faults or other, and somtimes very great ones, for one is too sluttish, another saunters too much, a third too lazy; another too dainty: and then again, one eats too much, and another drinks too much; one keeps company too much with the maid, and another in like manner with the good man: And such a one or such a one are the best, but they were not very handy about the hearth, to make ready some liquorish dainty things for the good woman, which is a matter of no small weight.

Behold! hath she not very great cause to be troubled: and thereout you may very well also observe how happy you are, seeing you have gotten a wife that night and day is busie and taking care of all these concerns and other affairs. Yes verily, although her big-belly be very cumbersom to her, yet she must be abroad, every day from morning till evening, to take care and provide all these important things, that nothing may be wanting. Well what a carefull wife you have! how mightily she is concerned for this above all other things whatsoever!

And scarcely hath the good woman gotten these two main instruments; but she finds her self still involved in so much other business, that she hardly can tell how to do or turn her self in it; for now there wants a Groaning stool, a Screen, and a Cradle, with what belongs to it; and heaven knows what more, which have been so long neglected with the care that was taking to get a Midwife and a Nurse. Then again there wants new Hangings, a Down-bed, a Christening-cloath, silver candle sticks, a Caudle-cup, &c. that of necessity must be bought & used at the lying-in, & Gossips feast; so that the good man need not fear that his mony will grow mouldy for want of being turned too & again.

Oh were your dear wife so happy that she had once made an end of all these ponderous affairs, then all would be well: For then she could begin to give order for the making clean the house from top to bottom; and for the pressing of some curtains, Vallians and Hangings; the rubbing of Stools, Chairs and Cupboard; the scouring of the Warming-pan and Chamber-pot: And 'tis no wonder, for when the good woman lies in, then come so many busie bodies that with their glouring eyes are peeping into every hole and corner.

These things do so excessively trouble her brain; that she can hardly the whole day think upon any thing else, yea goes so near her that it oftentimes totally bereaves her of her nights rest insomuch that she is fain to ly very long abed in the morning. And if by night she happen but only to think of Boobincjo, she hath immediately such an alteration in her very intrals, that she feels here or there some or other deficiency; which comes so vehement upon her that the poor husband, though it be never so cold, must out of bed to fetch some Cinnamon and Annis-seed water, or good sack; or else some other such sort of those liquorish ingredients and then these are the principal keys of Musick that the whole night through are sung and plaid upon. O how happy is the good man, that he hath, from time to time, in her child-bearing, learned all these things with so much patience, which makes him now that he can the better bear with all these finical humours.

But for this again, O compassionate Ninny-hammer, you shall have not only great commendations for your patience; but the pleasure also that some of your nearest relations will come and kiss your hands, and withall tell you how happy you are that y'are almost arrived at that noble degree of being intituled Father. And then, with great respect & reverence, they desire to receive the honour, some of being your first-born childs God-fathers, and others to be God-mothers: Neither will they then be behind hand in presenting the Child with several liberal gifts, as an acknowledgement of the honour they receive, above others, in being favoured with your Gossipship.

Well who would not, for so much honour and respect, but now and then suffer the trouble of his wives quamish stomack with some charges to't? And more then that, you have now the best opportunity in the World, to go with your new chosen Gossips, (as you did before with your Bridemen) & chuse & taste out some of the most delicious Wine, for you must be sure to store your Cellar well, because then both the Bridemen and Bride-maids will certainly come to eat some of the long-look'd for Caudle; besides the great number of friends that will come then also to give you a visit, and with all respect wish you much joy: I will not so much as think any thing of those that will come also to the Christning and Gossips Feast.

Be joyfull with this, till such time as the t'other Pleasure begins to appear.

ehold, young couple, hitherto a considerable deal of time is spent and passed over, with the aforesaid Mirth and Pleasures; do not you now perceive what a vast difference is between the married or unmarried estate? You have, by provision, made your self Master of these six Pleasures; nay oftentimes before you have gotten the longd-for joy of the fourth Pleasure, appears that of the seventh very unexpectedly; for the good woman begins to look so sour, grumble, grunt and groan, that it seems as if she would go into the Garden and fetch a Babe out of the Parsley-bed.

But Uds-lid this is a great-surprizal; for a little while ago she said that she was but seventh months gone of her reckoning. How then? should she have jested upon it? or has the good woman lost her book, and so made a false account? Yet this being the first time of her reckoning, ought the more favourably to be passed by as long as the Trade goes forwards.

Folio 116.
Published by The Navarre Society, London.

There's now no small alarm in the Watch. Who is there that is but near or by the hand that is not set a work! Oh, was Dorothy the Semstress, and Jane the laundress now here, what a helping hand we might have of them! Where are now the two Chair-women also, they were commonly every day about the house, and now we stand in such terrible need of them, they are not to be found? Herewith must the poor Drone, very unexpectedly, get out of bed, almost stark naked, having hardly time to put on his shoes and stockins; for the labour comes so pressing upon her, that it is nothing but, hast, hast, hast, fetch the Midwife with all possible speed, and alas, there is so many several occasions for help, that she cannot miss her maid the twinkling of an eye; neither dare she trust it to the Maids fetching, for fear she should not find the Midwives house; and she hath not shewed it her, because she made her reckoning that she had yet two months more to go.

Therefore without denial away the good man himself must to fetch the Midwife; for who knows whether or no she would come so quick if the maid went; nay it is a question also, being so late in the night, whether she would come along with the maid alone, because she dwells in a very solitary corner clearly at the t'other end of the City: (for after a ripe deliberation of the good woman, the lot fell so that she made choice of this grave and experienced Midwife).

Away runs the poor man without stop or stay, as if he were running for a wager of some great concern. And though it be never so cold, the sweat trickles down by the hair of his head, for fear he should not find the Midwife at home; or that perhaps she might be fetcht out to some other place, from