The Ten Pleasures of Marriage<br />and the Second Part, The Confession of the New Married Couple by A. Marsh (best free novels txt) 📕

condition, that you might very well imagine your self to be in Westminster Hall where the Colours that are Trophies of honour are hung up, one full of holes, another tatter'd & torn, and a third full of mildew.

Yet notwithstanding all this peeping and snuffling in to every nook and corner, they finally get the Child swathled: And then to the great joy of the Father, it must be presented him in state by the Midwife, with this golden expression, a Proverb not above two hundred years old, Father, see there is your Child, God give you much joy with it, or take it speedily into his bliss.

Uds bud how doth this tickle him! what a new mirth and pleasure is this again! see him now stand there and look like a Monky with a Cat in his arms. O what a delicate pretty condition he's now in!

Well Midwife look to't, for this joy hath taken such a tyrannical possession of his heart, that doubt not but immediately there will be a good present for you, when he gives it you back again. 'Tis no wonder, for if it be a Son, he is at least a thousand pound richer then he was before: though he may look long enough before he'l find a Bankers Bond in his Chest for the sum.

Now whilest the Child is swadled and drest up, all the other trinkum trankums are laid aside; and the Table is spread neatly to entertain the friends, who not alone for novelties sake, but also out of a sweet tooth'd liquorish appetite, long to see what is prepared for them. And I beleeve that although the Kings Cook had drest it, yet there will be one or another of them that will be discommending something, and brag that she could have made it much delicater, if there be then any one that seems not fully to beleeve her, immediately she cites two or three Ladies for her witnesses, who have given her the greatest praise and commendations for her dressing of such dishes above all others. And who can have better judgement than they? This is then a discourse for at least three hours, for they are all of them so well verst in the Kitchin affairs, that its hard for one to get a turn to speak before the other.

But this is an extraordinary Pleasure for this new Father to hear out of all their prittle pratlings how sweetly they will commend the Quill that hath received all the Colchester Oisters, Cox-combs, Sweetbreads, Lam-stones, and many other such like things, for they have found by experience that such sort of ingredients occasion very much the kindness of men to their wives. Yes, yes, saies Mrs. Luxury it is very good for my husband, and not amiss for any pallate neither, and I'm sure the better I feed my Pig, the better it is for me in the soucing out. And this discourse then is held up with such an earnestness, and continues so long, that the Child-bed woman almost gets an Ague with it, or at the least falls from one swooning into another, whilest there is not so much as any one that thinks upon her.

Happy is the good man, if he can but act the part of a Ninny, and hath busied himself for the most part in the Kitchin; then he may be now and then admitted to cast in his verdict; otherwise, let them talk as long as they will, he is forced in great misery to afford them audience. But it is much better for him, if, according as the occasion gives opportunity, there be now and then spoken something concerning the Child-bed woman, or about the shaking of the sheets, which is seldom forgotten; because he is now already so far advanced in the Cony-craft of that School, that he is gotten up to the Water Bucket.

In the mean while Peg runs too and again, almost like one out of her sences, to hunt for the Nurse, who dwels in a little street upon a back-Chamber, or in an Ally, or some other by-place; and she is just now no where else to be found but at t'other end of the City, there keeping another Gentle woman in Child-bed.

Here is now again other fish to fry, for one will not be without her, and t'other must needs have her, each pretending to have an equal right to her. And the Nurse, finding that each of them so much desires her, thinks no small matter of her self, but that she is as wise as many a Ladies woman or Salomons Cat, and that her fellow is hardly to be found. But before some few daies are past, there's a great trial to be made of the Nurses experience and understanding; for, let them do what they will or can, the Child will not suck; yea, and what's worse, it hath gotten a lamentable Thrush. Alas a day what bad work is here again, the Nurse is so quamish stomackt that she cannot suck her Mistres, therefore care must be taken to find out some body or other that will come and suck the young womans breasts for twelve pence a time; or else her breasts will grow hard with lumps and fester for want of being drawn. Or else also with the sucking she gets in the tipples.

Now is the right time to fetch the Apothecary to make ready plaisters, and bring Fennel-water to raise the milk, that the lumps may be driven away; and most especially that the cloves in the tipples may be cured. Help now or never good Mr. Doctor, for if this continue much longer, the young woman perhaps gets an Ague that may then cost her her life.

Verily, in this state and condition of the woman is also some pleasure to be found, for you may keep your wife now very cheap; she is not now so liquorish and sweet-tooth'd, as when she was with Child; which in deed is very good at all times, but most especially in this pittifull time for there's now nothing fitter for her to eat then a little good broth, stew'd Prunes, Caudle, Water-gruel, roasted Apples, or new laid Egs.

But now, Father, your Pleasure will immediately be augmented, for it will not be long before you will have some or other Gentlewomen come to give you a visit, who will then also out of their Closets of understanding be very much assistant to you with their advice and counsel for there are very few of them that are not deeply experienced in Sir Thomas Browns Mid-wivery, and if any thing do happen more then ordinary, they never want for remedies.

Now there is Doctor Needhams wife, who by her own experimenting, hath knowledge of several other things: But upon such an occasion as this, there is nothing better then that the child must be glister'd; and for the lumps you must indevour through a continual chafing to get them out of the young womans breasts. But Mistris Rattle-pate relates, how miserably, she was troubled with an humour in her breast, when she lay in; but that she had alwaies cured her self of it, by only taking a Sandwich Carrot, and scraping it hollow in the inside, and then put like a hat upon the tipple, this drew out all ill humour, without any pain, or the least fear of danger.

Yes truly, saith Mrs Talk-enough, I do indeed forsooth beleeve that that is very good, but here are very sore nipples, and they begin to be chop'd; and there must be a special care taken for that; therefore it will not be amiss to strengthen the nipples with a little Aqua vitæ, and then wash them with some Rosewater that hath kernels of Limons steep'd in it. There's nothing like it, or better, I have lain in of thirteen children, but never tried any thing that did me so much good, or gave me half the ease. Pray, dear Mistris, be sure to make use of that, you will never repent it.

But Mistris Know-all saith, that she hath made use of this also, and found some ease by it; and that she hath tried above an hundred other things, that were approved to be good; yet of all things never found nothing under the Sun that was more noble then Salvator Winter's Salve, for that cures immediately: And you can have nothing better.

Yet Mistris Stand to't, begins to relate wonderfull operations done with oyl of Myrrhe; and of the plaisters that are made by the Gentlewoman in Py-yard.

Now comes the sage Matron Experience, saying that she hath learnt a secret from a prudent Doctor that's worth its weight in Gold, nor can the vertue thereof be too much commended. And she hath already communicated it unto several persons; but there are none that tried it who do not praise it to be incomparable: therefore she hath been very vigilant to note it down in S. John Pain, and Nic-Culpeppers Works; to the end that her posterity may not only make use of it, but participate it to others: This is, Lapis Calaminaris prepared, mingled with a small quantity of May-butter, and then temper them together with the point of a knife upon an earthen plate, just as the Picture Drawers do their Colours upon their Pallet, which will bring it to be a delicate salve; and is also very soft and supple for the chops of the tipples; nay, though the child should suck it in, yet it doth it no harm; and it doth not alone cure