Mr. Punch on the Warpath: Humours of the Army, the Navy and the Reserve Forces by - (most motivational books .txt) đź“•
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Hector. "Now then, young feller—who are you staring at?"
Hodge. "Whoy shouldn't I stare at yer? I pays vor yer!"
[Pg 24]
NOT FOR PATRICK!["It has been proposed that the kilt should be the uniform of the new Irish Guards."—Daily Paper.]
What! take away the throusers off our pathriotic knees,
As if we were a regiment of disordherly M.P's?
Och! sorrer take the wicked thought, for histhory it teaches,
An Oirishman is happiest when foightin' in the breaches.
What! Wear them bits of pitticoats that blow about and twirl
Around your blushin' knees? No, faith! Oi'm not a bally girl!
No! Oi'm an Oirish souldier, an' me blood Oi've often spilt it,
But though Oi'm willin' to be kilt, Oi'll die before Oi'm kilted.
In order to check extravagance in the Cavalry, the authorities have decided that "fines of money or wine are no longer to be levied on marriage or promotion, or in respect of any minor irregularities." In future the officer who commits the major irregularity of being promoted will not need to say, with the King of Denmark, "O, my offence is rank!"
[Pg 25]
[Pg 26]
MILITARY SURGERYDear Field-Marshal Punch.—In a telegram from the seat of war this week I find the following obscure passage. "General Blank held the enemy's main body whilst General Dash carried out his movements." Knowing your skill in tactics, may I ask if you can explain this to me either verbally or pictorially. Used in contradistinction to his main body, I presume the enemy's "movements" must be his limbs, and if all four were carried out by this barbarous general, it would be certainly a feat of arms, and the movement might be said to be al-leg-ro. Nothing is said as to whether the enemy survived this fearful operation depriving him of his members, but it may be a case of a truncated despatch. Then, where were the movements carried out to? If the presumption stated above be correct, I infer it must have been to the region of limbo, but the army in Flanders never practised such lopsided manœuvres.
Yours respectfully,
Corporal Trim.
[Pg 27]
Cockney Volunteer (on sentry go). "Halt! Who goes there?"
Rustic. "It's all roight, man. Oi cooms along 'ere ev'ry maarnin'!"
[Pg 28]
"A good skirmisher, if there is no cover, should hide behind his boots!"
Elder Sister (coming up). "Kitty! what have you been saying to Captain Coward? He looks dreadfully offended!"
Kitty (engaged to the Captain). "I only told him that if he had gone to the war and been shot, I should have been so proud of him!"
War News.—"Reports of Conflicts," i.e., "Conflicting Reports."
"AN ARMED NATION"
["The War Office has decided to grant one rifle to every ten men joining the new rifle clubs, throughout the country."—Daily Press.]
EXTRACT FROM THE NEW RULES1. In face of the enemy the rifle must be fired as quickly as possible, and then passed on to the next man.
2. No squabbling in the ranks, as to whose turn[Pg 30] it is to shoot, shall be allowed by the commanding officer, and his decision shall be final.
3. The other nine men, whilst awaiting their turn, must stand at "attention," and scowl fiercely at the enemy.
4. Where the commanding officer, in his discretion, sees opportunity for so doing, he shall employ several men simultaneously, to fire the rifle—i.e. one to hold the rifle to his shoulder, a second to close his left eye, and a third to pull the trigger. This plan would leave only seven men out of ten unemployed.
5. The above-named seven would be at liberty to throw things at the enemy whilst awaiting their turn for the rifle.
6. In actual warfare, the commanding officer may request the enemy to wait a reasonable time whilst the solitary rifle is handed round, after being fired off.
7. Whilst an attack is going on, the unemployed men of a company shall not be allowed to leave the ranks to play, but should be encouraged to take an intelligent interest in the shooting prowess of their solitary comrade.
[Pg 29]
North Cork Militia Man. "Am I to shalute him, or no? Begor. I wondher if he's a sarvan'-man or a giniral."
[Pg 31]
Recruit. "Look 'ere, mister, it ain't no good. This saddle won't go on this 'ere 'orse. I got it over is 'ead all right, but I can't get 'is legs through nohow!"
[Pg 32]
THE NECESSARY KIT["A housewife will now form part of the free kit of necessaries."—Army Order.]
It 'as long been my opinion, as a sodger and a man,
That I couldn't get on proper, not without yer, Sairey Ann.
Well, now 'ere's the latest horder—just yer take a read of it—
That a housewife shall be a portion of the necessary kit.
Oh, them horders! Ain't I cussed 'em! Oh, the shockin' words I've said!
But now for once, my Sairey, I'm a-blessin' 'em instead.
Yus, they misses pretty horfen, but at last they've made a hit,
For yer going to be a portion of my necessary kit.
They're to serve out housewifes gratis, an' I only 'opes, my pet,
That they'll let us Tommies choose ourselves the gals we wants to get,
'Twould be takin' of the gildin' off the gingerbread a bit
If I got yer mar, for instance, in my necessary kit.
But we'll 'ope the best, my Sairey, though yer can't for certain tell,
And I ain't got much opinion of them parties in Pall Mall,
But for once they've put a bullet in the bull's eye, I'll admit,
If they makes my Sairey portion of my necessary kit.
"Advance Notes" (Military).—The bugler's.
[Pg 33]
Boatswain (to newly-joined cadet). "Come, my little man, you mustn't cry on board of one of His Majesty's ships of war. Did your mother cry when you left?"
Cadet. "Yes, sir."
Boatswain. "Silly old woman! And did your sister cry?"
Cadet. "Yes, sir."
Boatswain. "Stupid little thing! And did your father cry?"
Cadet. "No, sir."
Boatswain. "'Ard-'earted old beggar!"
[Pg 34]
Fair Visitor (with a thirst for military knowledge). "So all the kitchens are behind those buildings. How very interesting! And how many pounds of meat do your men eat a day?"
Gallant Major. "Really—er—I've no—er—idea, I'm sure, don't y'know."
Fair Visitor. "But I thought you were in the provisional battalion!"
[Pg 35]
Officer (to Irish sentry on guard tent). "Why don't you face your proper front, sentry?"
Sentry. "Sure, yer honour, the tint's round. Divil a front it's got!"
[Pg 36]
General Bouncer (on a round of inspection at Sandhurst). "Augh! Can you tell me what 'mess' this is?"
Cadet. "Well, they call it 'mutton,' but I wouldn't vouch for it!"
[Pg 37]
The portrait of Private O'Locker on finding his billet is at a teetotal hotel.
[Pg 38]
Auntie (explaining morning manœuvres of His Majesty's Life Guards on their way to relieve guard at Whitehall). "Don't you see? There's two, and then there's one, and then there's the whole lot—and then there's two more!"
[Youthful niece sees.
[Pg 39]
Songs and their Singers.—Jack (singing at the top of his voice)—"There's only one girl in the world for me!"—Popular Song.
[Pg 40]
[According to the Daily Telegraph zebra mules have been introduced into India by the Remount Department for military purposes.
Would not their introduction—as above—into Whitehall lend a new and even more quaintly picturesque touch of grandeur to the scene?
MR. BROWN AT BREAKFAST On the Army.Astonishing lot of nonsense the Daily Wire prints about military affairs ... no, I do not waste my time reading it. Any intelligent citizen, Mary, is bound to take an interest in things of this sort. And our army is rotten, madam—rotten to the core.... What? That reminds you, shall Tomkins be told to pick the apples? As you please—I'm not talking about apples. Just consider these manœuvres, and the plain common-sense lessons they teach you. First of all, a force lands in England without opposition. There's a pretty state of things!... No, I didn't say they had interfered with us—but just think of the disgrace! Not one general, madam, not one single general capable of defending this unhappy country. And yet it is to support these expensive frauds that I have to pay taxes!... Well, if he calls again, tell him that I will attend to the matter. There's the rent and rates to be seen to first, and goodness knows, with your housekeeping and Ethel's[Pg 42] dress bills—but I was talking about the army.
Incompetent profligates, that's what the officers are. What sort of life do they lead? Getting up late, playing polo and hunting, eating luxurious dinners, bullying respectable young men and ducking them in horse-ponds—there's a life for you.... What do you know about it, Miss Ethel?... Captain Ponsonby told you? You can tell him something then. Tell him that Britons of common-sense—like myself—don't mean to stand the present way of going on much longer. Drastic changes.... No, I'm not trying to break the table, Mary ... drastic changes are absolutely necessary.
First of all, there must be a clean sweep at the War Office. Men of brains and common-sense are wanted there. Then we must organise a great army, to guard the coast all round England. The man who will not serve his time as a militiaman or volunteer is not worthy of the name of English-man, and the fruit.... I told you once about those apples, I do wish you wouldn't interrupt.... If they are not picked to-day they'll have to wait[Pg 44] for three weeks? Why? Tomkins can pick them next time he comes. As I was saying, the militia system must be developed, and—eh? Tomkins won't be here for three weeks? Got to go into camp for his training? Well, I call it perfectly disgraceful! Here I pay a man high wages to attend to my garden once a week, and then this miserable system takes him away, at the most inconvenient time, to play at soldiers!... If I have time to-night, Mary, I shall write a strongish letter to the Daily Wire on the subject.
Scene—Barrack Square, after inspection of arms, at which the Company's Commander has been examining his men's rifle-bores with the aid of the little reflector which is commonly dropped into the breach for this purpose.
Private Atkins (who has been checked for a dirty rifle). 'Ere, it's all bally fine! The orficer 'e comes an' looks down the barrel with a bloomin' mikeroscope, and the privit soljer 'e 'as to clean 'is rifle with 'is naked heye!
Motto for a Bazaar in aid of Military Funds.—"Oh, the wild charge they made!"
[Pg 41]
The illustrated papers oft with satisfaction grunt,
When they print a pleasing portrait of "our artist at the front."
Now here we have a picture of a sort we seem to lack.
Which is to say, a portrait of "Our artist at the back".
[Pg 43]
A.-D.-C. "What the deuce are you men doing here right in the line of fire? Clear out at once! They're firing ball cartridge,
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