The New Pun Book by Thomas A. Brown and T. J. Carey (reading books for 6 year olds TXT) 📕

glad!
But the sadness of her sadness,
And the gladness of her gladness,
Are nothing to her madness when she's mad!

"Is it raining, girls?"

"No," broke in Cumso; "only cats and dogs."

[17]Guest—What have you got?

Waiter—I've got liver, calf's brains, pig's feet—

Guest—Hold up there! I don't want a description of your physical peculiarities. What have you got to eat is what I want to know.

Stranger—"Boy, can you direct me to the bank?"

Boy—"I kin for a quarter."

Stranger—"A quarter! Isn't that high pay?"

Boy—"Yes, sir; but it's bank directors what gits high pay, you see, sir!"

"It's very puzzling," said a worried looking woman to one of her neighbors.

"What's that?"

"I can't tell whether Willie is corrupting the parrot or whether the parrot is corrupting Willie."

Playwright—"There is a great climax in the last act. Just as two burglars climb in the kitchen window the clock strikes one; then——"

Manager Conn—"Be more explicit. Which one did the clock strike?"

[18]"I sent a dollar last week" said the Good thing, "in answer to that advertisement offering a method of saving one-half my gas bills."

"And you got——"

"A printed slip directing me to paste them in a scrap-book."

"Did any of you ever see an elephant's skin?" inquired a teacher of a class of youths.

"I have," exclaimed one.

"Where?" asked the teacher.

"On the elephant," replied the boy.

"Curious, isn't it?"

"What?"

"A man's handwriting is never so bad that his name can't be read when signed to a check."

"That cook would make a good baseball player."

"Why so?"

"A fly got into the batter when she was serving the griddles, and the way she caught that fly from the batter was a sight to rush an umpire into an early grave."

[19]When you see a young man cleaning a girl's bicycle, they are engaged; but when you see the operation reversed, they are married.

She (approvingly)—You won her hand, then?

He (rather glumly)—Humph—I presume so. I'm under her thumb.

"What is the difference between the admission to a dime museum and the admission to Sing Sing?"

"Don't know. What?"

"One is ten cents and the other is sentence."

"A man at the hotel wanted to bet that Corbett would knock out Jeffries."

"Who took him up?"

"The elevator boy, I think."

Why is a railroad train like a bedbug?

It runs over the sleepers.

Caller—Wonder if I can see your mother, little boy? Is she engaged?

Little Boy—Engaged? Whatcher givin' us? She's married.

[20]"I must admit," said the mannish girl, "that I'm very fond of men's clothes. You don't like them, do you?"

"Yes. I do," replied the girly girl, frankly, "when there's a man in them."

When a woman finds her dress does not match her complexion, it is always easy enough to change her complexion.

"My friend," said the long-coated old man, solemnly, "have you made preparation for the day of judgment?"

"Sir," replied the young man, "that's how I make my living."

"Young man!"

"I'm employed in the sheriffs office."

"George, you look exhausted," she said to him as he was putting on his hat and coat.

"Yes," he answered, glancing towards his daughter at the piano. "I'm played out."

Of the heroine in one of the latest sensational novels it is said: "Her eyes chained him to the spit." She must have been links-eyed.

[21]"Do I bore you?" asked the mosquito, politely, as he sunk a half-inch shaft into the man's leg.

"Not at all," replied the man, squashing him with a book. "How do I strike you?"

"How did that fight between the bridge tenders end?"

"It was fought to a draw—and they both fell in!"

What kind of essence does a young man like when he pops the question? Acquiescence.

Mashington—What's the matter with your clock? It's stopped.

Tailor—I never wind it up. I use it as a motto.

"What do you mean?"

"No tick here."

The hawk was dozing. "You look," said the jay, from a safe distance, "as if you were full."

"Well," the hawk admitted, "I have just been having a little lark that was a bird."

[22]"You ought to be very proud of your wife. She is a brilliant talker."

"You're right there."

"Why, I could listen to her all night."

"I have to."

"I once knew a man who, with the aid of a microscope, made a harness for a flea."

"Humph!" replied the other, "that's nothing. I saw that same flea harnessed."

"You want a divorce from your wife, do you?"

"Yes, sir, I do."

"What grounds?"

"Incompatability. She and the cook are quarreling continually."

"How about the lazy man who hurt his eye looking for work?"

"That's nothing. How about the industrious safe breaker doing time for making money?"

Don't take a bull by the horns; take him by the tail, then you can let go without getting some one to help you.

[23]"Women, my boy," said a parent to his son, "are a delusion and a snare." "It is queer," murmured the boy, "people will hug a delusion." And while the old man looked queerly at him, the young man hunted up his roller-skates and went out to be snared.

"Would you," said the reporter who gets novel interviews, "tell me what book helped you most in life?"

After a thoughtful pause, the great man answered: "My bank-book."

"You were thrown out?" remarked the ash barrel. "That's what you get for being crooked."

"The crookedness, is not my fault," said the nail. "I was driven to it by a woman."

"What relation is a door-step to a door-mat?"

"What relation?"

"A step-farther."

Guide—This is a dogwood tree.

Stranger—How can you tell?

Guide—By its bark.

[24]Some of us have more ups and downs in this world than others, but when we get to the cemetery, we will all be on the dead level.

Mrs. Powell—"I have such an indulgent husband!"

Mrs. Cameron (spitefully)—"Yes, so Justin tells me, but he sometimes indulges too much, doesn't he?"

"They caught the burglars that robbed the hotel last night."

"How?"

"They jumped on the scales and gave themselves a weigh."

"You own your own house, don't you?"

"I used to."

"Have you sold it?"

"No, I haven't sold it."

"Then how is it you don't own it?"

"Well, you see, we have company most of the time."

"Mike, d' I ever tell ye the story about the dirty window?"

"You did not. Tell me about it."

"No use—you couldn't see through it."

[25]A lady noticed a boy sprinkling salt on the sidewalk to take off the ice, and remarked to a friend, pointing to the salt:

"Now, that's true benevolence."

"No, it ain't," said the boy, somewhat indignant, "it's salt."

Teacher—Thomas, can you tell me which battle Nelson was killed in?

Tommy (after a moment's reflection)—I think it was his last.

Johnnie—"Ya-as, I've just come back from Ireland—County Cork. Ever been to Cork?"

Soubrette—"No—but I've seen a good many drawings of it."

"What is love?"

"A fresh egg."

"Marriage?"

"Hard boiled eggs."

"Divorce?"

"Scrambled eggs."