The OOBS by CC Raz (most motivational books .TXT) 📕

up with Rosa. I couldn't help her, couldn't make her better. Delainey is my second chance. I can't screw up with her. Of course, right now I just have to try to make sure she doesn't kill herself.
    But she went to the Kingdom Hall this morning and looked at the meeting times. She sent them to me. I just have to go to her house and wake her up in the morning, so she can shower and get ready. I can do that. I can keep her safe and make sure she doesn't do anything stupid for that time that I'm with her. But I feel like I realy need Bailey there to keep ME from doing something stupid. A different kind of stupid, maybe. Or, maybe not. I'm so desperate, Gwen. I need to see you, hear from you, talk to you. I'm desperate and so is Delainey. It would be desperate stupidty. But... I think I'll be okay. Just stick to the plan. It's not really much of a plan, so it shouldn't be hard to stick to. It's our best bet. But I just couldn't let Delainey go alone. I know Bailey and I decided that Tuesday would be better because it would give you more time. But... I have to take Delainey's instability into account and make adjustments.

You need to read the book "Hush." It's by the same girl who wrote Evol. It's equally as great. Well... No, I think I liked Evol better. But this one got more of an emotional rise out of me. I was so made at one of the characters that I was actually shaking. It's amazing. She said in one of the messages that there will be a sequel soon. Soon better be within the next 48 hours because I'ma shoot someone otherwise. Not really. That was a joke. But... you know. I can't just be left hanging.

Summer is halfway over, almost. Crazy. It seems... these last few weeks have lasted years. I've been busy, for the most part. Of course there are days when I'm not busy at all. But generally, I've kept busy this summer. But it just drags on so slow. It seems so long ago that I went to your house to pick up the notebook. But I still remember everything. When I got into the car after you had to go back up, I just... cried. And cried and cried and cried. I didn't think I was strong enough to deal with all of this.
     But now? I'm alright. I have to be strong. What's the alternative? Not be strong and live with the guilt that I let you down when you needed me the most, and didn't even try? No way, Jose. I don't know if all that I'm doing will work. It might just make things work. But I'm trying. I'm doing my best to stay strong for you. 
     And it's okay to cry. It doesn't make you weak. Just makes you human. Right? It means that you do have a point where things get too tough, and you need a release. That's okay. As long as you get back up and get on with what you need to do. So that's what I've been doing.

The dog chewed up my flip flop. Nice. Now I have to go get new ones.

I work with Rachel tomorrow. :) Hopefully, we'll be able to chat for a while while we're there. If Pam's not breathing down the back of our necks, we'll be fine. I haven't worked with Rachel in FOREVER. It makes me so happy.

This girl came in and sang today. Maybe you've heard of her. Holly Jo. She's SUCH a good singer. It was awesome. She'll be famous someday. She's amazing. There were a bunch of people who came to Chaparal specifically to hear her sing. It was awesome.

I really want to go to bed now. It's almost 1 and I have to work tomorrow and I want to get some good sleep. So I'll say goodnight to you, then goodnight to Bailey, and then go to bed.

See you soon, Gwen. Like... Sunday. We might not get to talk to you. But we'll see you. You'll see us. I promise. I won't let you leave wthout seeing us, knowing that we're here for you. I'll make sure that we're there early, and we leave late.
Still praying, still staying strong. Always. :)
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#Let the countdown begin

6/28

So many things happening. So many things to count.
Days until I see you with Delainey: 2
Days until I see you with Bailey and Delainey: 4
Days before Alejandro moves: 4 (possibly- more on that later)
Days before Stuebenville: 14
Days before Louie's: 21

I don't know when Alejandro's leaving. I don't know where he's going. 2 weeks ago, he told me he'd bought a plane ticket to Michigan on July 2nd. But he just got back from Mexico, and now he wants to go there and work with his cousins for a few months, and then come back and go to Michigan and go to school. And he might leave on the 2nd, or he might leave a week later. Who knows? Apparently he didn't really buy the ticket to Michigan. 
    So I don't know when he's leaving. All I know is that he is. I know that I'm losing my sister and my brother. And you're kind of dead so I sorta lost you (but I'm not giving up. But you know what I mean). And I'm losing Alejandro, who has, over the last 2 1/2 years, been so many different things to me. He started out at just my brother's friend. You know, that relationship that you have with your brother's friend. It's not... I dunno. It's

Why is Aretha Franklin on my Disney Pandora? Idiots. Now 2 John Mayer songs in a row? On Disney? Watchtower farms? I mean... this is a good song. But I want Disney. I don't car about dreaming with a broken heart or one that's healed. I want Disney.

Anyway. Alejandro. He was my brother's friend and my friend's brother. I knew him, I talked to him if I saw him, but I didn't seek him out. But then he became my friend. I would text him, or sometimes he would text me. If he and Jake were hanging out, he'd always include me.
     The he became my first high school crush. He was goo looking, treated me nice, was funny, and just.. he was Alejandro. What girl that he knows really well HASN'T had a crush on him?
     But then it was more than a crush, more than just friends. Whatever that was, it wasn't just friends. We talked like people in a relationship. He wanted me to wear his jacket. He wanted to hold my hand and hug me and no, Pandora, Bob Marley is NOT Disney. Alejandro wanted the relationship without the commitment. Not te sex, because he knew he wouldn't get that from me and I like to believe that he cared about me enough as my brother's friend and my friend that he wouldn't do that. But he wanted the closeness, the different kind of friendship, that kind of stuff, without the commitment and the label. I don't know if it's because I'm Jake's sister, or if it was because I was a freshman and he was graduating. Or it could just be because it was Alejandro. But he was, for several months, more than just a friend.
     He was my first real heartbreak. What he did destroyed me. And for a while, we were those 2 people who awkwardly say hi because he knows he hurt me and I'm hurt and trying to figure out if he's really sorry or not.
     Then, he became my big brother. He protects me. Keeps me safe. Not that I put myself in dangerous situations, but he doesn't even like it when people cuss around me. 
     He's been so many things. I don't know how to feel as he leaves. Because of how he hurt me, I want him to leave. I want him to just go. Get outta here. But... he's my brother. And I need my brother. Because... I've never had to do without my brother. And now I'm losing both of them at the same time. I'm gong to miss him. A lot. I don't want him to go. You know?

I have to go take a shower so that I can maybe start getting ready for work. And then at 10:30 or so, I haveto call Delainey. She told me to call her a little after 10. And I work at 11. So I don'tknow how long itll take, and we might have to finish our conversation once I get home from work.I have no idea what she wants to talk about or how long it'll take. But we'll see. Right now, I have to shower. I'll be back though.

I'm back. And I'm frustrated. Mom had to go to the welfare office to work out some stuff with the health insurance, because she tried to get Jake and Shelsey taken off (Jake's 18 and Shelsey's living with Dad, so they aren't elligible for it anymore), and they took Jolie, Lawson, Mom, and I off instead. So I have to babysit. And get ready for work. And call Delainey. And the dogs have been pooping A LOT lately, and it's not solid. Like it sorta is, but it's SUPER soft and gets rubbed into the carpet if you don't pick it up JUST the right way. And they KEEP pooping. I'll take them outside and they poop a lot and then they come inside and a few minutes later they poop again. And then if Mom and Nana aren't back by 10:30 or so, I have to take the kids to Papa's because I work at 11. It's frustrating. A lot going on in the next 2 hours.

But then I get to go to work and that should be pretty easy because no one will be there and I'll just get to talk to Rachel. :)

I have to go. My hair needs to be put up and my make-up needs to be done and I wanna get that out of the way before things get crazy (it's relatively calm right now).
     I'll write more when I get home, I guess. I should be able to.
     Bailey said she'd bring me cookies at work today. That's going to be AMAZING.

Love you, Gwen. I'll see you soon. Might not get to talk to you. But I'll see you in 2 days.
Still praying,still staying strong
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#New music