Zuleika Dobson by Max Beerbohm (i am reading a book TXT) 📕

across her eyes, “now it is all over. The idol has come sliding down its pedestal to fawn and grovel with all the other infatuates in the dust about my feet.”

The Duke looked thoughtfully at her. “I thought,” he said, “that you revelled in your power over men’s hearts. I had always heard that you lived for admiration.”

“Oh,” said Zuleika, “of course I like being admired. Oh yes, I like all that very much indeed. In a way, I suppose, I’m even pleased that you admire me. But oh, what a little miserable pleasure that is in comparison with the rapture I have forfeited! I had never known the rapture of being in love. I had longed for it, but I had never guessed how wonderfully wonderful it was. It came to me. I shuddered and wavered like a fountain in the wind. I was more helpless and flew lightlier than a shred of thistledown among the stars. All night long, I could not sleep for love of you; nor had I any desire of sleep, save that it might take me to you in a dream. I remember nothing that happened to me this morning before I found myself at your door.”

“Why did you ring the bell? Why didn’t you walk away?”

“Why? I had come to see you, to be near you, to be with you.”

“To force yourself on me.”

“Yes.”

“You know the meaning of the term ‘effective occupation’? Having marched in, how could you have held your position, unless”⁠—

“Oh, a man doesn’t necessarily drive a woman away because he isn’t in love with her.”

“Yet that was what you thought I had done to you last night.”

“Yes, but I didn’t suppose you would take the trouble to do it again. And if you had, I should have only loved you the more. I thought you would most likely be rather amused, rather touched, by my importunity. I thought you would take a listless advantage, make a plaything of me⁠—the diversion of a few idle hours in summer, and then, when you had tired of me, would cast me aside, forget me, break my heart. I desired nothing better than that. That is what I must have been vaguely hoping for. But I had no definite scheme. I wanted to be with you and I came to you. It seems years ago, now! How my heart beat as I waited on the doorstep! ‘Is his Grace at home?’ ‘I don’t know. I’ll inquire. What name shall I say?’ I saw in the girl’s eyes that she, too, loved you. Have you seen that?”

“I have never looked at her,” said the Duke.

“No wonder, then, that she loves you,” sighed Zuleika. “She read my secret at a glance. Women who love the same man have a kind of bitter freemasonry. We resented each other. She envied me my beauty, my dress. I envied the little fool her privilege of being always near to you. Loving you, I could conceive no life sweeter than hers⁠—to be always near you; to black your boots, carry up your coals, scrub your doorstep; always to be working for you, hard and humbly and without thanks. If you had refused to see me, I would have bribed that girl with all my jewels to cede me her position.”

The Duke made a step towards her. “You would do it still,” he said in a low voice.

Zuleika raised her eyebrows. “I would not offer her one garnet,” she said, “now.”

“You shall love me again,” he cried. “I will force you to. You said just now that you had ceased to love me because I was just like other men. I am not. My heart is no tablet of mere wax, from which an instant’s heat can dissolve whatever impress it may bear, leaving it blank and soft for another impress, and another, and another. My heart is a bright hard gem, proof against any die. Came Cupid, with one of his arrow-points for graver, and what he cut on the gem’s surface never can be effaced. There, deeply and forever, your image is intagliated. No years, nor fires, nor cataclysm of total Nature, can efface from that great gem your image.”

“My dear Duke,” said Zuleika, “don’t be so silly. Look at the matter sensibly. I know that lovers don’t try to regulate their emotions according to logic; but they do, nevertheless, unconsciously conform with some sort of logical system. I left off loving you when I found that you loved me. There is the premise. Very well! Is it likely that I shall begin to love you again because you can’t leave off loving me?”

The Duke groaned. There was a clatter of plates outside, and she whom Zuleika had envied came to lay the table for luncheon.

A smile flickered across Zuleika’s lips; and “Not one garnet!” she murmured.

V

Luncheon passed in almost unbroken silence. Both Zuleika and the Duke were ravenously hungry, as people always are after the stress of any great emotional crisis. Between them, they made very short work of a cold chicken, a salad, a gooseberry-tart and a Camembert. The Duke filled his glass again and again. The cold classicism of his face had been routed by the new romantic movement which had swept over his soul. He looked two or three months older than when first I showed him to my reader.

He drank his coffee at one draught, pushed back his chair, threw away the cigarette he had just lit. “Listen!” he said.

Zuleika folded her hands on her lap.

“You do not love me. I accept as final your hint that you never will love me. I need not say⁠—could not, indeed, ever say⁠—how deeply, deeply you have pained me. As lover, I am rejected. But that rejection,” he continued, striking the table, “is no stopper to my suit. It does but drive me to the use of arguments. My pride shrinks from them. Love, however, is greater than pride; and I,