The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman by Laurence Sterne (pdf e book reader txt) 📕

The women would set them up; and when they had done, they would dance round them (and the men for company) till they were all blind.

The wife of the chaise-vamper stepp’d in, I told you, to take the papilliotes from off her hair⁠⸺⁠the toilet stands still for no man⁠⸺⁠so she jerk’d off her cap, to begin with them as she open’d the door, in doing which, one of them fell upon the ground⁠⸺⁠I instantly saw it was my own writing⁠⸺⁠

O Seigneur! cried I⁠—you have got all my remarks upon your head, Madam!⁠⸺⁠J’en suis bien mortifiée, said she⁠⸺’tis well, thinks I, they have stuck there⁠—for could they have gone deeper, they would have made such confusion in a French woman’s noddle⁠—She had better have gone with it unfrizled, to the day of eternity.

Tenez⁠—said she⁠—so without any idea of the nature of my suffering, she took them from her curls, and put them gravely one by one into my hat⁠⸺⁠one was twisted this way⁠⸺⁠another twisted that⁠⸺⁠ey! by my faith; and when they are published, quoth I,⁠⸺⁠

They will be worse twisted still.

And now for Lippius’s clock! said I, with the air of a man, who had got thro’ all his difficulties⁠⸺⁠nothing can prevent us seeing that, and the Chinese history, etc., except the time, said François⁠⸺⁠for ’tis almost eleven⁠—Then we must speed the faster, said I, striding it away to the cathedral.

I cannot say, in my heart, that it gave me any concern in being told by one of the minor canons, as I was entering the west door,⁠—That Lippius’s great clock was all out of joints, and had not gone for some years⁠⸺⁠It will give me the more time, thought I, to peruse the Chinese history; and besides I shall be able to give the world a better account of the clock in its decay, than I could have done in its flourishing condition⁠⸺⁠

⸺⁠And so away I posted to the college of the Jesuits.

Now it is with the project of getting a peep at the history of China in Chinese characters⁠—as with many others I could mention, which strike the fancy only at a distance; for as I came nearer and nearer to the point⁠—my blood cool’d⁠—the freak gradually went off, till at length I would not have given a cherrystone to have it gratified⁠⸻The truth was, my time was short, and my heart was at the Tomb of the Lovers⁠⸺⁠I wish to God, said I, as I got the rapper in my hand, that the key of the library may be but lost; it fell out as well⁠⸻

For all the Jesuits had got the cholic⁠—and to that degree, as never was known in the memory of the oldest practitioner.

As I knew the geography of the Tomb of the Lovers, as well as if I had lived twenty years in Lyons, namely, that it was upon the turning of my right hand, just without the gate, leading to the Fauxbourg de Vaise⁠⸺⁠I dispatched François to the boat, that I might pay the homage I so long ow’d it, without a witness of my weakness⁠—I walk’d with all imaginable joy towards the place⁠⸺⁠when I saw the gate which intercepted the tomb, my heart glowed within me⁠⸺⁠

—Tender and faithful spirits! cried I, addressing myself to Amandus and Amanda⁠—long⁠—long have I tarried to drop this tear upon your tomb⁠⸻I come⁠⸻I come⁠⸻

When I came⁠—there was no tomb to drop it upon.

What would I have given for my uncle Toby, to have whistled Lillabullero!

No matter how, or in what mood⁠—but I flew from the tomb of the lovers⁠—or rather I did not fly from it⁠—(for there was no such thing existing) and just got time enough to the boat to save my passage;⁠—and ere I had sailed a hundred yards, the Rhône and the Saôn met together, and carried me down merrily betwixt them.

But I have described this voyage down the Rhône, before I made it⁠⸺⁠

⸺⁠So now I am at Avignon, and as there is nothing to see but the old house, in which the duke of Ormond resided, and nothing to stop me but a short remark upon the place, in three minutes you will see me crossing the bridge upon a mule, with François upon a horse with my portmanteau behind him, and the owner of both, striding the way before us, with a long gun upon his shoulder, and a sword under his arm, lest peradventure we should run away with his cattle. Had you seen my breeches in entering Avignon,⁠⸺⁠Though you’d have seen them better, I think, as I mounted⁠—you would not have thought the precaution amiss, or found in your heart to have taken it in dudgeon; for my own part, I took it most kindly; and determined to make him a present of them, when we got to the end of our journey, for the trouble they had put him to, of arming himself at all points against them.

Before I go further, let me get rid of my remark upon Avignon, which is this: That I think it wrong, merely because a man’s hat has been blown off his head by chance the first night he comes to Avignon,⁠⸺⁠that he should therefore say, “Avignon is more subject to high winds than any town in all France:” for which reason I laid no stress upon the accident till I had enquired of the master of the inn about it, who telling me seriously it was so⁠⸺⁠and hearing, moreover, the windiness of Avignon spoke of in the country about as a proverb⁠⸺⁠I set it down, merely to ask the learned what can be the cause⁠⸺⁠the consequence I saw⁠—for they are all Dukes, Marquisses, and Counts, there⁠⸺⁠the duce a Baron, in all Avignon⁠⸺⁠so that there is scarce any talking to them on a windy day.

Prithee, friend, said I, take hold of my mule for a moment⁠⸺⁠for I wanted to pull off one of my jackboots, which hurt my heel⁠—the man was standing quite idle at the door of