The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman by Laurence Sterne (pdf e book reader txt) 📕

her own passions; and so performed it standing⁠—kneeling⁠—or squatting, according to the different degrees of faith, hope, and charity, she was in, and bore towards her mistress that night. In every other respect, the etiquette was sacred, and might have vied with the most mechanical one of the most inflexible bedchamber in Christendom.

The first night, as soon as the corporal had conducted my uncle Toby upstairs, which was about ten⁠⸺⁠Mrs. Wadman threw herself into her armchair, and crossing her left knee with her right, which formed a resting-place for her elbow, she reclin’d her cheek upon the palm of her hand, and leaning forwards ruminated till midnight upon both sides of the question.

The second night she went to her bureau, and having ordered Bridget to bring her up a couple of fresh candles and leave them upon the table, she took out her marriage-settlement, and read it over with great devotion: and the third night (which was the last of my uncle Toby’s stay) when Bridget had pull’d down the night-shift, and was assaying to stick in the corking pin⁠⸺⁠

⸺⁠With a kick of both heels at once, but at the same time the most natural kick that could be kick’d in her situation⁠⸺⁠for supposing * * * * * * * * * to be the sun in its meridian, it was a northeast kick⁠⸺⁠she kick’d the pin out of her fingers⁠⸺⁠the etiquette which hung upon it, down⁠⸺⁠down it fell to the ground, and was shiver’d into a thousand atoms.

From all which it was plain that widow Wadman was in love with my uncle Toby.

X

My uncle Toby’s head at that time was full of other matters, so that it was not till the demolition of Dunkirk, when all the other civilities of Europe were settled, that he found leisure to return this.

This made an armistice (that is, speaking with regard to my uncle Toby⁠—but with respect to Mrs. Wadman, a vacancy)⁠—of almost eleven years. But in all cases of this nature, as it is the second blow, happen at what distance of time it will, which makes the fray⁠⸺⁠I choose for that reason to call these the amours of my uncle Toby with Mrs. Wadman, rather than the amours of Mrs. Wadman with my uncle Toby.

This is not a distinction without a difference.

It is not like the affair of an old hat cock’d⁠⸺⁠and a cock’d old hat, about which your reverences have so often been at odds with one another⁠⸺⁠but there is a difference here in the nature of things⁠⸺⁠

And let me tell you, gentry, a wide one too.

XI

Now as widow Wadman did love my uncle Toby⁠⸺⁠and my uncle Toby did not love widow Wadman, there was nothing for widow Wadman to do, but to go on and love my uncle Toby⁠⸺⁠or let it alone.

Widow Wadman would do neither the one or the other.

⸺⁠Gracious heaven!⁠⸺⁠but I forget I am a little of her temper myself; for whenever it so falls out, which it sometimes does about the equinoxes, that an earthly goddess is so much this, and that, and t’other, that I cannot eat my breakfast for her⁠⸺⁠and that she careth not three halfpence whether I eat my breakfast or no⁠⸺⁠

⸺⁠Curse on her! and so I send her to Tartary, and from Tartary to Terra del Fuogo, and so on to the devil: in short, there is not an infernal nitch where I do not take her divinityship and stick it.

But as the heart is tender, and the passions in these tides ebb and flow ten times in a minute, I instantly bring her back again; and as I do all things in extremes, I place her in the very centre of the milky-way⁠⸺⁠

Brightest of stars! thou wilt shed thy influence upon someone⁠⸻

⸺⁠The duce take her and her influence too⁠⸺⁠for at that word I lose all patience⁠⸺⁠much good may it do him!⁠⸺⁠By all that is hirsute and gashly! I cry, taking off my furr’d cap, and twisting it round my finger⁠⸺⁠I would not give sixpence for a dozen such!

⸺⁠But ’tis an excellent cap too (putting it upon my head, and pressing it close to my ears)⁠—and warm⁠—and soft; especially if you stroke it the right way⁠—but alas! that will never be my luck⁠⸺(so here my philosophy is shipwreck’d again).

⸺⁠No; I shall never have a finger in the pye (so here I break my metaphor)⁠⸺⁠

Crust and Crumb

Inside and out

Top and bottom⁠⸺⁠I detest it, I hate it, I repudiate it⁠⸺⁠I’m sick at the sight of it⁠⸺⁠

’Tis all pepper,

garlick,

staragen,

salt, and

devil’s dung⁠⸺⁠by the great arch-cook of cooks, who does nothing, I think, from morning to night, but sit down by the fireside and invent inflammatory dishes for us, I would not touch it for the world⁠⸺⁠

⸺⁠O Tristram! Tristram! cried Jenny.

O Jenny! Jenny! replied I, and so went on with the twelfth chapter.

XII

⸺“Not touch it for the world,” did I say⁠⸺⁠

Lord, how I have heated my imagination with this metaphor!

XIII

Which shows, let your reverences and worships say what you will of it (for as for thinking⁠⸺⁠all who do think⁠—think pretty much alike both upon it and other matters)⁠⸺⁠Love is certainly, at least alphabetically speaking, one of the most

Agitating

Bewitching

Confounded

Devilish affairs of life⁠—the most

Extravagant

Futilitous

Galligaskinish

Handy-dandyish

Iracundulous (there is no K to it) and

Lyrical of all human passions: at the same time, the most

Misgiving

Ninnyhammering

Obstipating

Pragmatical

Stridulous

Ridiculous⁠—though by the by the R should have gone first⁠—But in short ’tis of such a nature, as my father once told my uncle Toby upon the close of a long dissertation upon the subject⁠⸺“You can scarce,” said he, “combine two ideas together upon it, brother Toby, without an hypallage”⁠⸺⁠What’s that? cried my uncle Toby.

The cart before the horse, replied my father⁠⸺⁠

⸺⁠And what is he to do there? cried my uncle Toby⁠⸺⁠

Nothing, quoth my father, but to get in⁠⸺⁠or let it alone.

Now widow Wadman, as I told you before, would do neither the one or the other.

She stood however ready harnessed and caparisoned at all points, to watch accidents.

XIV

The Fates, who certainly all foreknew of these