The Dark Lord Bert 2 by Chris Fox (bookstand for reading .TXT) 📕

“Whoah.” The female elf blinked down at him. Her shirt had wonderful rainbow patterns, and she wore a pair of sunglasses that had blue lenses. “It’s a goblin. Hey, little goblin man. What brings you into the forest?”

“Hi!” Bert waved eagerly. They seemed friendly! This was going splendidly. “Bert is dark lord. Of castle past Moist Mountains. Elves heard of it?”

All three elves eyed him blankly. One of them jammed a finger into the cauldron, then shoved a ball of fudge into his mouth. Bert had never felt so at home.

“No idea, man.” The woman shrugged. She plucked another cookie from the tray and jammed it into her mouth. “Munchies got ahold of us something fierce. We don’t pay attention to much else.”

“Can, ah, Bert have cookie for Boberton? Bert’s dog outside.” Bert shifted nervously from foot to foot. Was it rude to show up unannounced and just ask for food? It seemed rude. But the chocolate smelled so yummy, and the cookies looked so crumbly.

Bert’s mouth watered.

“Course, man.” The blond elf leapt to her feet, and snatched a full tray from the counter. She rushed to the door, and leaned outside, glancing below her. “He the big red demo dog? The one with two heads?”

“That him!” Bert leapt up and down.

“Yeah, no.” The woman came back in and her smile had vanished. She had serious face on now, the kind Bert often had to use with servants now. “This is going to be an all night job. Those pups can really put it away. I’ll pack the next bowl. You two lower that cauldron so the poor dog can snack.” The elf turned back to Bert. “Don’t you worry, man. It’s gluten free, and it’s got a lot of THC. Our whole operation avoids cross contamination. We sterilize surfaces nightly, and we never use wheat, soy, or any other common allergens. Our cookies are safe.”

Bert had no idea what any of that meant, but they were giving him cookies, and they were feeding Boberton too. He moved to the table, and clambered up onto one of the chairs. Climbing seemed harder than usual, and his nose and toes felt funny by the time he reached the top.

Bert forgot all about it when his gaze fell on the cookies. He snatched one up, and jammed half of it into his mouth. He’d have jammed more, but there was a definite problem in the cookie to mouth ratio.

The next few minutes passed in glorious silence as the elves, Bert, and Boberton far below all gorged themselves on fudge.

Bert supposed he could discuss their problems later. For now he resolved to focus on solving the cookie problem.

11

Icosahedron

Bert awoke to discover his cheek pressed against cool metal. His eyes fluttered open, and he glanced down to discover a cookie still lodged in his mouth.

Bert began to chew, and finished the cookie as he rose to his feet and examined his surroundings. Bert didn’t think he had ever slept so comfortably before, which was strange as the metal tray the cookies had been baked on didn’t seem particularly comfortable.

The elves had a mirror mounted on the wall, and Bert glanced over to discover that the pattern from the tray had been pressed into his cheek. He rather liked it. Waffle face.

Two of the elves were quietly snoring, but the woman sat next to a large oven, humming to herself. The wonderful aroma of baking cookies filled the kitchen.

Bert quietly crept down to the chair, and then from the chair to the floor. He scuttled over to the leg of the chair where the elf sat, and tugged on the woman’s billowing rainbow pants.

“Pardon me. Nice elf lady?” Bert smiled up with his best smile.

The elf peered down at him with the same glassy eyes she’d had before, but she also wore a smile. “Hmm? Hey there, goblin man. We sent down a whole bunch of cookies for your dog.”

“Thank you. Bert not expect so much kindness.” He hugged the elf’s leg fiercely. “You nice to Bert, and to Boberton. Bert will not forget it. Can elf lady help Bert? Came to forest to find big flaming rock that fall from sky. Elf lady see?”

“No.” The elf gave a sad shake of her head. “We’re pretty out of it most of the time. Dave runs the volume pretty high, and we play a lot of League of Myths.”

“Oh.” Bert’s shoulder’s slumped, but he mustered his resolve. He wasn’t giving up that easily. “Other elves in forest know?”

“Maybe!” Elf lady perked up. “Hey, why don’t you head into the center of the forest? If you go to the capital you can find a bunch of elves. Someone is bound to have seen something.”

“Yay!” Bert jumped up and down. He loved clues. “What name of capital? Can lady draw map?”

“It’s pretty easy to find.” She straightened her glasses, and peered up at the oven, then back down at Bert. “I have to get back to baking. Your dog can find the way. Follow the stream outside the tree. It will lead you deeper into the forest. You’re heading for the emerald triangle, man. The capital is called Humboldt County. It will smell just like the inside of our tree.”

Bert perked up at that. Anything that smelled like gooey fudge was a place he wanted to visit. “Thank you! Elf lady very nice. What name? Bert want to remember.”

“Mary. Mary Jane.” Mary rose and plucked a pair of oven mitts from her belt. “You stop by any time. Take care of that dog of yours.”

“Bert will!” Bert headed to the doorway, and peered down. A loooonnnng way down. Far enough that Boberton’s slumbering form might have been a puppy. Bert closed his eyes to stop the stomach flutters, and tried to remember the fly spell he’d used. Oh, yes. “Bert fly!”

And Bert flew. He zoomed down to the forest floor, the cool wind whooshing