The Dark Lord Bert 2 by Chris Fox (bookstand for reading .TXT) 📕

“Did you expect any less?” White upended the contents of the potion, gulped it down, and gave a soft belch. “Buck up. There will be power enough for all once we conquer the realm.”

Kit watched in horror as all that potent magic disappeared down White’s throat, and the worst thing to ever happen to gaming gained three full levels. Permanently.

Any chance she’d have had against him had vanished along with the contents of that bottle.

8

Darby the Leprechaun

Kit dejectedly glanced down at the arena floor when a sudden grinding sounded near the pedestal. The stone slowly sank into the floor, spiraling into a darkened stairwell that disappeared into the next level.

“Interesting,” White said, wiping glowing potion from his lips with another belch. “I can literally feel myself growing more powerful.” He turned to the ogre as he dropped the empty bottle, then crushed it with a booted foot. “Take point, my well-endowed friend.”

“You mean go in front, right? Right.” The ogre moved down the stairs with a shrug. He seemed to have forgotten the dominate spell Kit had used, or the fact that he’d been trying to kill White a few moments ago.

Nutpuncher shuffled slowly down the stairs, the gnome’s eyes wide and unfocused. Kit hung back, and let a gap develop between them and the others.

“Are you okay?” She wanted to put a hand on her friend’s shoulder, but worried the gesture might be misinterpreted. She could do without being punched in the crotch again.

“Just…they’re so much stronger than us.” Nutpuncher gazed up at her, dark eyes wide and searching under that moppy hair. “We’re an afterthought. I don’t want to be a sidekick while they rampage around and kill everything. That’s no fun.”

“Me either. That’s not fun for anyone but White.” Kit chewed at her lip as Nutpuncher hopped down another step. “You realize White is going to win in spite of us, and then he’s going to do terrible things?”

“Probably.” Nutpuncher panted in that oddly deep voice, which had returned now that the haste spell had faded. Both his tiny hands balled into fists. “But I ain’t going down without a fight.”

“I’m glad to hear that.” Kit’s eyes narrowed as she watched Crushstuff and White disappear up the corridor. “This time I’m not playing along either. If they do something terrible I say we stop them, or go down trying.”

“Deal.” Nutpuncher came down off the last step, then looked at at her again. “Just say the word. We’ll bide our time until you’re ready.”

She nodded, then strode up the corridor after their ‘party’. White and Crushstuff had stopped before an open door, which emerged into a lush green glade. Kit gripped her staff more tightly as they entered an idyllic settling, complete with a rainbow near the ceiling. The door swung silently shut behind them, trapping them in the strange paradise.

“Welcome, welcome.” A Bert-sized man with a black beard, green jacket, and matching pants pranced into view. “Name’s Darby. Welcome to my lair. I trust you’re here to see the dark lord?” The leprechaun cupped a hand to his ear as he awaited their answer.

“We are.” White stepped forward, and Kit noticed his hands twitched, as if longing to choke the creature. “Before I shackle you to my will I will give you a chance to serve willingly. Show us the way to the dark lord, and retain your freedom.”

“Of course.” Darby gave another bow, and raised a hand with impressive showmanship. “The way out is right there.”

On the far side of the glade lay a disembodied door standing by itself. A large keyhole lay in the front, of course.

“And how do I open the door?” White raised an eyebrow, which Kit knew meant he was close to out of patience. Not that he had much of a reservoir.

“You’ll need the key.” Darby folded his arms and smiled smugly. “That’s at the end of the rainbow. The Irish rainbow, I might add. That rainbow is not LGBT+. I might be gay—all leprechauns are—but that rainbow? It ain’t gay. The Irish laid claim to it at least eight centuries ago. It’s cultural appropriation, and it ain’t right. Those bastards need to get their own symbol. Maybe a unicorn. They can’t fight back. They got no hands. And we all know they’re horny.”

Words deserted kit. They deserted all of them. How did one respond, exactly?”

“What?” The leprechaun eyed them crossly. “You have an issue with me being gay? It’s perfectly natural. You ever see a female leprechaun? I didn’t think so. We’ve all got beards, and that’s perfectly fine.”

“No one cares that you’re gay.” White strode forward and loomed over the leprechaun.

“I care,” Crushstuff broke in. “Are you single?”

“No one cares that you’re gay,” White repeated in the tone that made it clear to the ogre to back off. “Now show us how to get this key. You said it’s at the end of the rainbow? I hope you don’t take me for a fool. Everyone knows you can’t ever find the end of a rainbow.”

“Sounds like a you problem.” Darby gave a shrug, and vanished.

Kit waited for the outburst, and wasn’t disappointed. Crushstuff, White, and Nutpuncher all began talking at the same time, each offering up their plan to find the end of the rainbow.

She shook her head and set her pack down in the grass as the three of them wandered off into the glade in an attempt to find where the rainbow ended.

“What are you doing?” Nutpuncher’s deep voice came from behind her. Apparently only two of them had left.

Kit didn’t look up from her work, instead withdrawing a box from her pack and beginning to work on it with a knife. “I’m making a trap.”

“What kind of trap?” Nutpuncher approached and peered down at her work.

“A leprechaun trap.” She reached into her tunic and withdrew her golden amulet, the one from her very