The Small House at Allington by Anthony Trollope (the kiss of deception read online txt) 📕

been happy and satisfied, and almost triumphant. She had never yet asked herself whether she expected anything further from Dr. Crofts, nor what that something further might be⁠—and yet she was happy!

Lily had now become pert and saucy in her bed, taking upon herself the little airs which are allowed to a convalescent invalid as compensation for previous suffering and restraint. She pretended to much anxiety on the subject of her dinner, and declared that she would go out on such or such a day, let Dr. Crofts be as imperious as he might. “He’s an old savage, after all,” she said to her sister, one evening, after he was gone, “and just as bad as the rest of them.”

“I do not know who the rest of them are,” said Bell, “but at any rate he’s not very old.”

“You know what I mean. He’s just as grumpy as Dr. Gruffen, and thinks everybody is to do what he tells them. Of course, you take his part.”

“And of course you ought, seeing how good he has been.”

“And of course I should, to anybody but you. I do like to abuse him to you.”

“Lily, Lily!”

“So I do. It’s so hard to knock any fire out of you, that when one does find the place where the flint lies, one can’t help hammering at it. What did he mean by saying that I shouldn’t get up on Sunday? Of course I shall get up if I like it.”

“Not if mamma asks you not?”

“Oh, but she won’t, unless he interferes and dictates to her. Oh, Bell, what a tyrant he would be if he were married!”

“Would he?”

“And how submissive you would be, if you were his wife! It’s a thousand pities that you are not in love with each other;⁠—that is, if you are not.”

“Lily, I thought that there was a promise between us about that.”

“Ah! but that was in other days. Things are all altered since that promise was given⁠—all the world has been altered.” And as she said this the tone of her voice was changed, and it had become almost sad. “I feel as though I ought to be allowed now to speak about anything I please.”

“You shall, if it pleases you, my pet.”

“You see how it is, Bell; I can never again have anything of my own to talk about.”

“Oh, my darling, do not say that.”

“But it is so, Bell; and why not say it? Do you think I never say it to myself in the hours when I am all alone, thinking over it⁠—thinking, thinking, thinking. You must not⁠—you must not grudge to let me talk of it sometimes.”

“I will not grudge you anything;⁠—only I cannot believe that it must be so always.”

“Ask yourself, Bell, how it would be with you. But I sometimes fancy that you measure me differently from yourself.”

“Indeed I do, for I know how much better you are.”

“I am not so much better as to be ever able to forget all that. I know I never shall do so. I have made up my mind about it clearly and with an absolute certainty.”

“Lily, Lily, Lily! pray do not say so.”

“But I do say it. And yet I have not been very mopish and melancholy; have I, Bell? I do think I deserve some little credit, and yet, I declare, you won’t allow me the least privilege in the world.”

“What privilege would you wish me to give you?”

“To talk about Dr. Crofts.”

“Lily, you are a wicked, wicked tyrant.” And Bell leaned over her, and fell upon her, and kissed her, hiding her own face in the gloom of the evening. After that it came to be an accepted understanding between them that Bell was not altogether indifferent to Dr. Crofts.

“You heard what he said, my darling,” Mrs. Dale said the next day, as the three were in the room together after Dr. Crofts was gone. Mrs. Dale was standing on one side of the bed, and Bell on the other, while Lily was scolding them both. “You can get up for an hour or two tomorrow, but he thinks you had better not go out of the room.”

“What would be the good of that, mamma? I am so tired of looking always at the same paper. It is such a tiresome paper. It makes one count the pattern over and over again. I wonder how you ever can live here.”

“I’ve got used to it, you see.”

“I never can get used to that sort of thing; but go on counting, and counting, and counting. I’ll tell you what I should like; and I’m sure it would be the best thing, too.”

“And what would you like?” said Bell.

“Just to get up at nine o’clock tomorrow, and go to church as though nothing had happened. Then, when Dr. Crofts came in the evening, you would tell him I was down at the school.”

“I wouldn’t quite advise that,” said Mrs. Dale.

“It would give him such a delightful start. And when he found I didn’t die immediately, as of course I ought to do according to rule, he would be so disgusted.”

“It would be very ungrateful, to say the least of it,” said Bell.

“No, it wouldn’t, a bit. He needn’t come, unless he likes it. And I don’t believe he comes to see me at all. It’s all very well, mamma, your looking in that way; but I’m sure it’s true. And I’ll tell you what I’ll do, I’ll pretend to be bad again, otherwise the poor man will be robbed of his only happiness.”

“I suppose we must allow her to say what she likes till she gets well,” said Mrs. Dale, laughing. It was now nearly dark, and Mrs. Dale did not see that Bell’s hand had crept under the bedclothes, and taken hold of that of her sister. “It’s true, mamma,” continued Lily, “and I defy her to deny it. I would forgive him for keeping me in bed if he would only make her fall in love with him.”

“She has made a bargain, mamma,” said Bell, “that she is to