Jeneration X: One Reluctant Adult's Attempt to Unarrest Her Arrested Development; Or, Why It's Never by Lancaster, Jen (e books free to read .txt) 📕

5. What do you consider the most important principle of fiction?

This is something I’ve never thought about considering I don’t write fiction. [Okay, fine, I do now, but didn’t at the time.]

6. How do you, when writing dialogue, make sure that each character sounds like a unique person?

I, when writing dialogue, try to phrase things in a way that sounds completely natural. Because who wouldn’t, when writing dialogue, try to make conversations sound conversational? Again, when writing dialogue, it’s easier to make unique individuals sound like unique individuals when they are unique individuals. When writing dialogue.

7. How do you set up your books? Do you outline them first or do you have an idea and just go with it?

From tallest to shortest, left to right, with a heavy bookend butted up against the small end.

Oh, wait. I answered that before I read the whole question.

I find ideas overrated. Outlines, too.

8. How do you decide how long a book should be?

Well, I certainly wouldn’t spend ten seconds Googling “how long is a novel?” to find out what the industry standard is. Instead, I’d e-mail John Grisham.

9. How do you decide on a title for your book?

Scotch.

10. How do I go about getting an agent? Where do I look for one?

Obviously you look for one by asking me. (I keep them in my guest room.)

11. How do I know which agent is best for me?

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say this probably won’t be an issue.

12. How much should I expect to pay an agent to represent my book?

You should pay them whatever they ask, because, again, a ten-second Google search on “how much do I pay a literary agent?” wouldn’t reveal that an agent works for you and only gets paid once you sell your writing.

13. Will an agent expect me to sign a contract? Should I sign one?

Yes, in blood. Yes, right before you give them a blank check.

14. How & why did you become a writer?

Because I wanted to bring back the ampersand.

15. Does this process ever get easier?

No.

16. Have you ever doubted yourself while writing? If so, how do you get over it?

Yes. Scotch.

17. What should my manuscript look like?

Um, about 62, dark, neatly trimmed hair, well polished shoes, and eyes that crinkle when he smiles.

Shit, I just described my husband.

I guess I don’t understand the question.

18. How long did it take to publish your first book?

I certainly never mention this in any of the books I’ve written so it must be that I don’t know the answer.

19. Do you typically do a lot of research for your books?

Typically.

20. What is the hardest part of writing for you? The easiest?

The hardest part is trying not to be an asshole when people send asinine e-mails. The easiest is cashing checks.

21. Do you have any favorite authors? Books?

Pfft, writers don’t read. And if they did, they certainly wouldn’t detail all the stuff they loved on their Web site and in their books.

22. I’m pretty nervous about writing my book and trying to get it published. I guess I don’t have much for self-confidence when it comes to this. Do you have any advice?

Scotch.

FYI, I didn’t send this to her, tempting though it was.

Instead, I exercised a heroic amount of self-restraint and demonstrated maturity by e-mailing this reply:

“Ashley, this is not how you become a writer.”

The great irony here is that Ashley had the nerve to tell me that I was out of line, like I’m the one at fault because she lacked the willingness or intellectual curiosity to make any effort to become a writer outside of finding my e-mail address… like I should ignore my current deadlines in order to share my hard-won knowledge of the publishing world with someone who hasn’t even bothered to read one of my books.

Frankly, I’m shocked to have heard back from her and not one of her helicopter parents who’ve clearly been good-jobbing her to the point where she feels like the world not only revolves around her, but also owes her the benefit of its collective experience.

So, Ashley, please understand there are plenty of Millennials out there who don’t share your nonexistent work ethic.

They recognize that technology is only part of the equation and it’s to be used in addition to, and not in lieu of, making an effort.

And they’re going to eat you alive.

Reluctant Adult Lesson Learned:

You’re not an asshole for demanding that Generation Y pay their dues, regardless of what Ashley thinks.

C·H·A·P·T·E·R E·I·G·H·T

A Barbie Girl in a Barbie World

“Excuse me, ma’am?”

I’m sitting at my desk, deep in concentration, trying to make sense of what to pack and what to pitch.

These drawers are shameful. I don’t know how I can be so organized in some aspects of my life and so utterly disordered in others. Every contract I’ve ever signed, sorted by dates and dollar amounts, lives in a tidy bundle in the bottom file drawer. They’re next to folders for all bills we’ve paid in the last three years, chronologically ordered, time-stamped with check numbers and, if paid online, attached to confirmation receipts.

Yet one drawer up from that is an office supply graveyard, brimming with dead pens and old stamps and expired prescriptions. I’m talking business cards from people I can’t recall meeting and Post-it notes covered in random sums, surrounded by expired gift cards and rusty paper clips and the world’s oldest pack of gum, all shellacked into one giant mass by an oozing bottle of clear nail polish.

Pathetic.

I’m not a pack rat—really, I’m not, although sometimes in an effort to be more efficient, I trend that way. For example, my office is on the second floor and that’s where I tend to spend most of the workday. Because it’s located an entire flight of stairs away from the filtered water on the fridge door, I find myself going thirsty rather than taking the trek to the kitchen.

(Yes, I understand exactly how lazy this is.)

(Do