Exes and Exorcisms by Keira Blackwood (animal farm read TXT) 📕

“I would never say no to that.”

We headed downstairs and out the front door. Peter was silent in “his” room. I guessed that was a good thing.

Out front, there was a line of cats on the sidewalk, all sitting exactly the same way, like soldiers awaiting orders.

“This is...different,” Kelly said.

“It’s His Lordship King Snugglebumpkins,” I whispered, as if the cats would hear and somehow that would mean something. “I know you don’t believe me, but I’m telling you, something is off about him.”

“I know,” she said. “Look at him.”

At the end of the line, His Lordship lay on his back purring while Snowball licked his bean-shaped toes. On His Lordship’s other side, Meowcus Anthony licked the no-longer-scruffy cat’s tail.

“They’re grooming him,” I said.

“He hates grooming,” Kelly said. “Hey. King Kittyface.”

His Lordship turned his head, giving her a lazy look as if he wasn’t sure if he was planning on getting up or not.

“What’s wrong with you?” Kelly asked, putting her hands on her hips.

He mewed, rolled to his feet, and flicked his tail at us before bolting.

“Hell no,” Kelly said, and took off at a run after the cat.

I couldn’t believe we were chasing a cat for being too clean, but here we were.

“What are you going to do when you catch him?” I asked Kelly, keeping pace by her side.

“Roll him in some mud maybe. See if that changes his tune. He’s not supposed to be like this. What if he’s possessed by the Opposite Demon?”

“The thing that made Peter flowery?”

“Yeah.”

Watching the gleaming cat race ahead of us, I asked, “Would that really be such a bad thing?”

Kelly punched my shoulder and rounded a turn down into an alley a few blocks from the tattoo parlor. His Lordship sat down, waiting for us with something shiny in his mouth. He purred and approached.

Kelly tensed beside me. “What does he have?”

His Lordship dropped a set of keys on the ground. There was a keyring attached—burned wood in a rectangle. I didn’t have to read the words to know it read The Stakehouse.

“Those are my keys,” I said.

“Did he steal them?” Kelly asked in a hopeful tone.

His Lordship nudged the keys toward us with his paw.

“I must have dropped them,” I said. “Looks like he’s returning them.”

“That bastard,” Kelly said. “Get him!”

We raced forward and tried to grab the cat, but he swerved between our legs, and down Main Street.

Kelly grabbed my keys, tossed them to me, and ran after her cat. “It is on.”

14

KELLY

His Lordship lounged in front of Eden Groceries, where he rolled on his back and allowed random strangers to pet his tummy. And instead of immediately snapping his claws over their hands and chewing off their fingers, he was purring.

“That is not my cat,” I said. “Something must be done.”

“I agree.” Xavier wore a grim expression.

“Well, let’s get him and bring him home.”

I’d thought it might be difficult to grab His Lordship, but when Xavier bent down to pick him up, His Lordship snuggled into Xavier’s arms and rubbed his cheek against Xavier’s chest. I didn’t blame the feline for his affection, because I wanted to do the same thing to Xavier on a regular basis.

But this sweet-natured kitty was not the same as His Lordship King Snugglebumpkins, who would normally be tearing apart any man who dared pick him up.

We brought him back to the tattoo parlor, where Xavier set him down. He twined about our ankles, begging for cuddles.

“We’ll have to call Yelling Man,” I said. “There’s nothing else to be done. Marla and Grayson will be back tomorrow, and I want this resolved before then.”

On the phone, Ben shouted that he’d be along shortly. When the tattoo parlor door jangled open seconds later, I looked up in shock at his speed. Did he have a teleporter or something? But it wasn’t Ben—it was a couple.

Marla and Grayson had returned.

My vampire sister was bundled up like there was a blizzard outside. Her hat and scarf covered most of her face, letting only her bluish-green eyes peek out between them, along with piles of her long blond hair. Always-brooding Grayson looked a bit less grumpy than usual, with his frown lines smoothed over, even as he carried in all of their bags.

“Hey, you two!” I said, false cheer in my voice. “How fun! You’re back a day early!”

Marla side-eyed me. “You don’t sound happy. Hey, who’s this?”

Xavier stepped forward. “You must be Marla. I’m Xavier.”

Marla looked from me to Xavier, and back to me. “I am assuming that since you aren’t struggling to keep him in a headlock, you’re okay with his presence here?”

I laughed maniacally. “Yes. More than okay.”

Xavier shook Grayson’s hand as well, and the two eyed each other like the apex predators they were, evaluating strengths and weaknesses.

“So, um, why don’t you two go upstairs and settle in?” I said, before remembering that Peter was still squatting in Marla’s apartment. Crap. “I mean, you know what? I just heard that Eden Groceries is having a big sale. Maybe you should stock up on food before settling in.”

“I don’t eat,” Marla said. “And we have plenty for Grayson in the cupboards.”

“But there’s a big sale,” I said.

“Okay,” Marla said slowly. “Would you mind telling me what’s going on?”

My shoulders slumped. “Everything. Everything is going on.”

A loud bang echoed from upstairs.

“That sound came from my apartment,” Marla said. She moved toward the stairs, but His Lordship intercepted her. “Hey you,” she said.

He purred up at her.

“Weird,” she said. “I guess you missed me?”

He resumed his ankle-twining and purring, and rubbed his face against her shin.

“This is wrong,” Marla said, pointing at His Lordship. “What the heck did you do to my cat while I was away?”

“Nothing!” I held up my arms.

“You're the worst pet sitter ever.” Marla picked up His Lordship, who gave her an affectionate lick on the cheek.

“I know,” I said. “I’m sorry.”

“I think he’s improved,” Grayson said.

Marla glared at her mate and thrust the purring cat at