The Dark Lord Bert 2 by Chris Fox (bookstand for reading .TXT) 📕

should tie you to it, and push it back down the hill. We think it would be funny to watch you get squished into little goblin goo.”

Bert had never been so offended. How rude! A year ago he’d have run away, but now he was a dark lord. He was not going to put up with this.

“Bert think you should apologize, right now.” Bert placed his hands on his hips as his mum would have. That had always terrified him. Perhaps it would work on orcs. They had mums too, he imagined. “Bert powerful wizard. Don’t mess with Bert. Just get out of Bert’s way before Bert get mad.”

“Or…and stick with me for this one…or we bash your face in and take that pretty green rock?” The leader urged his pig forward, and blocked Bert’s way. “I think it don’t belong to you anyway. You probably stole it. Da bois and I are gonna hang onto it, until the proper owner comes looking. Then we’re gonna kills ‘em, and eats ‘em too. Just like we’re gonna do to you.”

Bert didn’t dive behind Boberton, though the dog could probably have protected him. He didn’t feel the slightest need to run away, which was a strange feeling indeed when you only have one hit point. For the first time Bert had power. He could fight back.

“Bert going to use magic on you.” Bert gave them one last warning, but the orcs only laughed. Boberton began to growl behind him, so Bert turned and offered a pat. “Is okay, boy. Bert will fix.”

Bert rolled up his sleeves and narrowed his eyes. He waggled his fingers and toes, and looked right at the pig the orc sat upon. “Pig be orc!”

The magic rippled out over not just that pig, but all the pigs. Every orc’s mount began to grow and swell. Their limbs lengthened, and their snouts shortened into orc noses. In a few moments a dozen new naked orcs stood in the clearing, their harnesses now on the ground in piles at their feet.

The boss orc gaped openly as he stumbled back to his feet from where his mount had dropped him, but Bert had only just begun his work. He narrowed his eyes still further, which became a problem as it meant they were closed entirely. He opened them just a bit…still a scary squint. “Orcs be pigs.”

Bert used the magic on all the orcs wearing armor. One by one they began to change, and within moments a whole new herd of plump pigs had appeared. Their armor and weapons fell away, and lay in heaps on the ground.

“New orcs!” Bert rose to his tiptoes, and tried to look menacing. “Take weapons and armor. Can ride those pigs. Seem like good mounts.”

The former pigs began nodding to each other, and gathering up the newly created pigs. They picked up the very same harnesses they’d worn, and applied them to their former masters. Bert was rather proud of them.

“Come on, boy.” Bert turned back to the rock, and began pushing it further up the hill. The raucous laughter of orcs, and the alarmed squeals of pigs slowly disappeared behind them as Bert and Boberton made excellent time up the mountain.

He could see the lowest cave now, the one that looked like a mouth, and realized they’d probably reach it soon. Would it be safe to go inside? Maybe not.

They continued up the trail, but paused before a sign with hastily scrawled letters. Bert guessed the orcs had probably made it, and now that Bumbledork had taught him to read he could make out the letters. There was a D and then an H, and then a whole bunch of Us, and them an M. He translated for Boberton. “Sign say Mount Dhuuum.”

At the precise moment Bert uttered the word the mountain rumbled, and a river of molten lava began flowing down the side. It seemed very messy, and terribly inconvenient for anyone who might be lunching up there.

He decided they’d come far enough for the day, and that perhaps it would be smarter to make camp and climb the mountain in the morning.

Bert looked around until he spotted a cleft between two boulders. Not quite a ravine, but then it was just him and Boberton with no wagon and they didn’t need much space. “Into the hole, boy!” Bert pointed at their camp.

The dog hopped into place, turned in three precise circles, then settled down into a comfortable spot. Bert climbed up the dog’s side, and set his tiny pack down on the dog’s rather ample belly.

“Bert still full from last cookie. Boberton hungry?” Both heads shook no. The cookies were clearly magical if they could keep Boberton from wanting more food.

“Okay, Bert get ready for bed.” He peered up at the sky as he unrolled his blanket. “Bert miss Kit. Somewhere out there she probably watching, under same bright star light. Hope he meet her again soon.”

Bert curled up on Boberton and hummed to himself until he fell asleep.

16

Following Bert

Kit enjoyed the hike into the woods where her character had been born even as she dreaded arriving in Humboldt County. Lush evergreen trees, redwoods, and flavors of pine carpeted a vast expanse of land, the entirety of the region on the opposite side of the Moist Mountains, which had proven quite well named.

Travel had been easy so far. Most of the annoyances she’d accumulated in traveling with her party had been White’s doing. Without him and Crushstuff, they managed to go an entire day without killing anything. Or littering.

Nutpuncher spent most of his time roaming a bit ahead of her, and exploring the forest, as the monk never seemed to run out of energy. That left her in blessed solitude, and for the first time in what felt like forever she took on fox form and ran through the undergrowth.

Ferns batted playfully at her face as she ate up the forest floor, just another woodland creature that would draw no