Here Be Dragons - 1 by Sharon Penman (best inspirational books txt) 📕

water with me, so we may be sure we cannot be overheard. Please, darling, you do not know what you risk!"Elen hesitated. "Very well, Mama. But I'll hear no sermons from you!""I said I was not judging you. I want only to ask you a question. Mine could have been a far different fate. But your father has shown me remarkable leniency. Why do you think that is, Elen?"This was not the question Elen was expecting. "I ... I suppose he did it for us, for Davydd and me. And then, he did love you. Mayhap he finds it hard to hurt you, even now . . ."Joanna flinched, but then she nodded. "You are right. But I think there is yet another reason for his restraint. I think his response might have been different had he not been Welsh."Elen came to an abrupt halt. "I do not understand. Welsh law holds adultery to be a grave sin indeed. So why . . .""Because the Welsh look upon women in a different light. A Welsh-

654man does not think of his wife as his property; she has rights of he own. But a Norman wife does not, and that makes her betrayal all the more unforgivable in her husband's eyes. Elen, I know of what I speak for I am Norman-French born and bred; their ways are mine. I know no Norman lord capable of treating an unfaithful wife as Llewelyn has so far treated me, not even the men of my own family. My darling, your husband is a good man, but he does not share your heritage, and you must ever bear that in mind. Promise me that, Elen, promise me you'll not forget."Elen's resentment had ebbed away as Joanna spoke. "You've no cause for fear, Mama. That question you almost asked? The answer is no, I have not."Joanna looked into her daughter's beautiful brown eyes, eyes that held hers quite candidly, and realized she had no way of knowing whether Elen spoke the truth. Even if she had, what of tomorrow? Elen was entrapped in an unhappy marriage, a barren marriage. How long would it be ere she sought satisfaction elsewhere, ere that rebellious spirit led her astray?"Ah, Elen . . ." Her voice wavered. "How could we have meant so well and done so wrong? I truly thought you could learn to love John the Scot, but I should have known, should have seen . . .""I no longer blame you, Mama." Elen stooped to pick up a cockle shell. "None of us is given a warranty of happiness, not in this life. Even if I'd wed another man, who's to say we'd have found contentment together? Sometimes even love is not enough. After all, you loved Papa, and where did it get you?""To Llanfaes," Joanna said tonelessly, and Elen dropped the shell, moved to close the space between them."Mama, I'm sorry! I do not know why I said that. Why must my accursed tongue inflict wounds I never mean?""It does not matter, Elen . . . truly.""But it does! I swore to myself that this time I would not do it, that I'd say nothing hurtful or harsh." Elen turned her back, stood staring out over the water. When she spoke again, her voice was indistinct, pitched very low. "ButI've sworn that before, only to hear myself provoking yet another quarrel with you, stirring up strife betwixt us . . .""Why?" Joanna reached out, touched her daughter's arm. "Why, Elen?""I would that I knew! Frustration, resentment, mayhap sheer perversity. You do not bring out the best in me, Mama. But then I hardly need tell you that, doI? I've always been a disappointment to you, as far back as I can remember"T655"Darling, that's not so! Elen, I love you, I do!" Elen kept her eyes stubbornly set upon the distant mountains, but her lashes were wet, tangled."That may be so, Mama, but you do not approve of me. I used to wonder howDavydd did it, how he knew so unerringly just how to please you, for I ... Inever did, you see. I did try, though. You may not believe that, but I did"I was about seven the first time I realized you were not like the mothers of my friends. Your father had freed some of Papa's hostages, merely because you asked it of him. People were so joyful, so grateful, and I was so proud of you. I wanted to be a great lady, too . . . just like you. And as I grew older, I watched as you acted for Papa at the English court, I saw how muchPapa loved you, and 1 tried to be what you wanted, to be like you. But you were so controlled, so serene, so sure of yourself, and I... I was none of those things, Mama. In truth, I was not in the least like you, at best could only hope to become an imperfect copy of a perfect original, and that seemed rather pointless to me, even at fourteen. And so I stopped trying to gain your approval. Only I... I could not stop wanting it."Elen had not intended to reveal so much and she forced an abrupt, self-conscious laugh. "I did not mean to babble on like this. I guess I've been like a bottle corked too long. One inadvertent touch, and the contents spew out in a great gush. Let that be a lesson to you, Mama. There are few

questions so full of risk as a seemingly simple 'why.'"Joanna had been listening to her daughter's outpouring in astonishment. "Is that how you truly saw me, Elen? As controlled, serene, sure of myself? God inHeaven!" She caught Elen's arm, turned the younger woman to face her. "Elen, look at me. Truly look at me. I was a King's bastard. Under our law, I had no claims to anything, least of all to my father's name. My father loved me, but he could not