Etiquette and Vitriol by Nicky Silver (best books to read for students TXT) 📕

Well, we’ve necked . . . and so on.

TODD: Yes?

TOMMY: But the fact is—No, I’m sorry, I’m too embarrassed.

TODD: You can tell me. What is it? Trust me.

TOMMY: You see, I’m a little insecure.

TODD: What about?

TOMMY: Well, for one thing I don’t think my penis is very big.

TODD (Sadly): Oh, I see.

TOMMY: But isn’t that part of the human condition? I mean aren’t all men, on some level, insecure about the size of their genitalia?

TODD: No.

TOMMY: I’m so humiliated!

(Todd places his hand on Tommy’s crotch.)

TODD: It feels . . . big.

TOMMY: That’s the feather duster.

TODD: I’m sorry.

TOMMY: But it’s not just that. You see, I’ve never really had a woman.

TODD: Surely at the orphanage.

TOMMY: Just the priests. And they tied me up so all I had to do was shout the occasional “Hail Mary.” They were easily satisfied. I never had to do anything. Now, I’ll have to do something!

TODD: You have nothing to worry about. I’ll help you.

TOMMY: How can you? No one can. Sex is the loneliest arena.

TODD: Pretend I’m Emma.

TOMMY: Pardon me?

TODD: Pretend I’m Emma, I’ll talk you through it.

TOMMY: Do you think we should? It might not be safe.

TODD: I’ll be careful.

TOMMY: I don’t know. I’ve tried to forget my past and this seems oddly redundant.

TODD: Just come here.

TOMMY (Crossing to Todd): This won’t involve harnesses or holy water?

TODD: Give me your hand.

TOMMY (Doing so): All right.

TODD: Put your hand on my waist.

TOMMY (Doing so): Like we’re dancing?

TODD: And your other hand . . .

TOMMY: Yes?

TODD: On my breast.

TOMMY: What breast?

TODD (Forceful): Imagine!

TOMMY (Placing his hand): It’s nice.

TODD: Grab my nipple.

TOMMY: Like that?

TODD: Harder.

TOMMY: Like that?

TODD: Harder. Just rip that motherfucker off!!

TOMMY: Doesn’t that hurt?

TODD: YES! YES! YES!

TOMMY: It seems like a fetish.

TODD: It’s not! Women love this!

TOMMY: What’s next?

TODD: Don’t rush. Do this for a long time.

TOMMY: How long?

TODD: You’ll know. And trade off, don’t ignore the other one!!

TOMMY: And then?

TODD: Just shove her down on all fours like a dog and degrade her!!

TOMMY (Shocked): No!

TODD: Yes!

TOMMY: Shouldn’t I build up to that?

TODD: If you want.

TOMMY: I do.

TODD: All right, tell her she’s pretty.

TOMMY: You’re pretty!

TODD: Thanks.

(With that, Tommy clubs Todd to the floor with a grunt. Blackout. Emma rushes into a pool of light and addresses the audience.)

EMMA: I’ve had a memory! I don’t think I saw it in a movie or a photograph. I think I remember it. Yes. It’s my birthday. I’m seven, or twelve and it’s a school day, so I have to go to school. But all the children have to make me a card in art class, and I get a cake in the cafeteria. I blow out my candles and I wish I were someone else. I wish I lived on a farm. I wish I were Pippi Longstocking.

(Arthur enters her pool of light.)

Arthur: Emma?

EMMA: Hello, Daddy. I’ve had a memory!

ARTHUR: Don’t dwell.

EMMA: Do you like Tommy?

ARTHUR: Not very much.

EMMA: Oh.

ARTHUR: But if you love him, I—love him.

EMMA: Is there something in your throat? You sound like you’re choking.

ARTHUR: I’m going to miss you very much.

EMMA: You have a picture in your wallet.

ARTHUR: It’s not the same.

EMMA: I’ll miss you too, Daddy.

ARTHUR: I have a wedding gift for you. (He hands her a piece of gum)

EMMA: It’s a piece of gum.

ARTHUR: When you were little you loved a piece of gum.

EMMA: I did?

ARTHUR: You were my little girl. (He embraces her) When I came home from work, I’d give you some gum and you hugged me.

EMMA: I did?

ARTHUR: And I stroked your hair.

EMMA (A little sick): You did?

ARTHUR: And I whispered your name, and I loved you, and I kissed—

(Emma pushes away.)

EMMA: Is it any wonder I can’t remember a thing!

(Emma’s light goes out. A light comes up on Grace.)

GRACE: My children were good children. Always well behaved and beautiful. When I had Emma, I had what’s called a postpartum depression, so my mother came to stay with us and got on my nerves. Arthur and I were devoted parents. I read all the books on child rearing. Todd cried a lot, and it upset me very much. We had an instant rapport. He had no right to get this disease. Who exactly does he think he is?

(Grace’s light goes out. A light comes up on Todd.)

TODD: It was not uncommon to see my mother in her girdle and bra. This was a natural thing. The bra was translucent and I could see her nipples through the fabric. This was considered dressed. Or maybe it was just okay to see my mother’s nipples. I never saw Emma’s nipples. I saw my father’s nipples plenty of times. I assume my mother did. And when he saw my nipples, it was strictly by chance, and not very often . . .

(Todd’s light goes out. A light comes up on Tommy, carrying a polishing rag.)

TOMMY: I didn’t grow up with these people. I’m not part of this family and I think any memories I’d have of the nuns and priests at the orphanage would be inappropriate.

(General light comes up. Tommy goes to the dinosaur skeleton, now one-third finished and standing on a platform. He polishes it. Emma enters.)

EMMA: Stop that!

TOMMY: I promised your brother—

EMMA: How can you touch it! It’s a carcass!

TOMMY: Think of it as sculpture.

EMMA (Going to him): Take me away!

TOMMY: What?

EMMA: Let’s run away. We can go to Las Vegas! They have chapels in malls.

TOMMY: What are you talking about?

EMMA: I don’t want to live here anymore!

TOMMY: What about my job?

EMMA: Quit!

TOMMY: Your mother’s been so good to me.

EMMA: You won’t help me. I hate you.

TOMMY: I thought you loved me.

EMMA: I do—I mean—I want to get away! We don’t have to get married. We’ll live in a field!

TOMMY: There are bugs.

EMMA: We’ll eat them! We’ll make them into a paste and spread them like jam!

TOMMY: I don’t care for bugs.

EMMA (Losing control): I have to get away! There’s a crack in the plaster over my bed, over my body and it’s getting worse! One night it’ll snap