Captain Jinks, Hero by Ernest Howard Crosby (story read aloud txt) 📕
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A biting satire of late 19th-century American imperialism, Captain Jinks, Hero was written by the American pacifist Ernest Howard Crosby. Crosby, who corresponded with Leo Tolstoy and advocated Tolstoy’s pacifist ideals in the United States, lambasts the American military and its involvement in the Spanish-American War and the Boxer Rebellion through the character of Captain Jinks, a jingoistic officer who embarks on a tragicomic quest to become a “perfect soldier.” The novel also satirizes the role of industrial and media interests in promoting war through the character of Jinks’s friend and companion Cleary, a yellow journalist who feeds sensational stories back to the home front at the behest of editors and monopolists.
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- Author: Ernest Howard Crosby
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“They’re in the trenches now that they were in this morning,” explained a lieutenant.
Here the same tactics were renewed, and in another half-hour Sam ordered his men to charge again. This time the enemy waited longer, and many of the attacking party fell, but before they reached the trenches the Cubapinos took flight, and Sam saw his soldiers bayonet the last two or three of them in the back. There were a good many dead in the trenches, all of them shot through the head. It was a proud moment for Sam when he stood on the edge of the trench and planted Old Gory there while the men cheered. A wounded Cubapino lay just before him, and one of the soldiers kicked him in the head and killed him. Sam noticed it, and was a little startled to find that it seemed all right to him.
I’ve half a mind to kick the next wounded man I see, he thought. It must be rather good sport; but he did not do it.
The rest of the fight was in the nature of a procession. They pursued the flying Cubapinos as fast as they could, but were unable to come up with them. In a native village through which they passed, Sam asked an old man, who had been too weak to get away, how far off San Diego was, and learned that it was five miles away to the left. He could not understand this, but still he kept on in that direction. As they left the village it burst into flames, for the last soldiers had set it on fire. Sam thought of the old man perishing in his hut, and it seemed to him a fine thing and quite natural. On their way they came across other bodies of troops who joined them, and it so happened that no one came forward of superior rank to Sam, and consequently he retained the command. Before they came in sight of San Diego he had quite a brigade under him. He halted them in front of the town and sent out a scouting party. There was no sound of firing now except in the distance. In an hour the scouting party came back and reported that the place had been vacated by the enemy, who for some reason had been seized by a panic. Sam ordered the advance to be resumed, and late in the afternoon found himself in possession of San Diego. He began to take measures at once to fortify the place, when the brigadier-general whom he had seen in the morning marched in with his brigade and took over the command from him, congratulating him on his success, which was already the talk of the army. Sam turned over the command to him with much grace and dignity, and, borrowing a horse, set off for the old headquarters which he had left in the morning, for he learned that, although the enemy were completely defeated and scattered, still the general would not move his headquarters forward to the front till the following day.
The general received him with great cordiality.
“Everything turned out just as I planned it,” he said, “but, Captain, you helped us out at a critical point there on the right. I shall mention you in despatches. You may depend on being promoted and given a good post. You ought to have a regiment at least.”
Sam was taking his supper when Cleary came in, hot and grimy.
“Well, you’re a great fellow,” he said, “to get away from me the way you did this morning. But didn’t I tell you, you were the stuff? Why, you won the battle. Do you know that you turned their left flank?”
“To tell the truth, I didn’t know it,” said Sam.
“Well, you did.”
“But the general planned everything,” said Sam.
“Yes,” said Cleary, “but I’ll tell you more about that. I’m doing some detective work, and I’ll have something to tell you in a day or two. But I wish I’d been with you. I had my kodak all ready. However, they can make up the pictures at home. How’s this for headlines?” and he took some notes from his pocket. “ ‘Great Victory at San Diego. Captain Jinks Turns Defeat into Victory. Hailed as Hero Jinks by the Army. General Laughter’s Plans Carried Out through the Young Hero’s Cooperation.’ What do you think of that? We’ll put the part about the general in small caps, because he’s not quite solid with the trust. I’m not going to write up anybody but you and the Mounted Mustangs; those are my orders.”
“How did the Mustangs make out?” asked Sam. “They were way off on the left, and I haven’t heard anything about them.”
“They did very decently,” said Cleary, “considering they were never under fire before. They kept up pretty well with the regulars, and
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