Amber by Heather Burnside (fb2 epub reader .txt) 📕

had drunk but wasn’t sure, so she went to the cupboard where she kept the red wine and found it was empty. Jesus! The discovery panicked her, and she became aware of her racing heart and twitchy limbs.

She hated that feeling when she was all tense and jumpy and the slightest thing heightened her anxiety. A hair of the dog was the only thing that would really calm her down when she felt like this, but she tried to resist. Drinking in the day wasn’t a good idea. She didn’t want to end up an old alcy. No, she’d have a cup of tea with one of her tablets and try to eat something instead. That should settle her if she could manage to keep the food down.

Loretta took a teabag from the few remaining in the packet and plonked it inside a cup and then switched the kettle on. She pulled the fridge door open to reach for the milk and was glad to find a carton almost full. Her thoughts turned to food. The kids would want something to eat even if she couldn’t face it.

There was an opened tin of beans at the back of the fridge. She couldn’t remember putting it there and she instinctively pulled it out and peered inside, recoiling when she saw a layer of mould round the top of the can. That wouldn’t feed the kids. But there were two eggs there and a bit of butter. Maybe she could give them an egg each and some toast. But when she checked the bread bin, she found that was empty too.

Then her thoughts switched to something else. There was no alcohol in the fridge. It was all gone; all the lager and the bottle of white wine she’d put there too. Surely, they can’t have drunk that much between them! But then memories of last night began to surface. Cliff encouraging her to have a beer. Cliff telling her the lager was gone. Her telling Cliff to open the wine. Discovering the red was gone. Opening the white.

Oh no! Did they really drink that much? But her throbbing head, thudding heart and trembling limbs told her that, yes, they did.

Loretta cursed silently, knowing she’d have to nip to the shops and at least get some food in. She toyed with the idea of sending one of the children but decided to go herself knowing she needed to check her bank balance while she was out. Last time she’d taken any cash out she had been overdrawn but she couldn’t quite remember by how much. Cliff had given her some money last night but that wouldn’t go far, not when she was behind with so many of her bills.

But there was another reason she wanted to go to the shops herself. She needed to get some more booze in. Promising herself it would just be there in case she fancied a drink tonight or in case a visitor called, her decision was made. She got herself ready, running a brush quickly through her hair and cleaning her teeth but not bothering to shower. That could wait till she returned.

An hour later she was back home. The money from Cliff was spent but at least she had some food in and some booze. She tried not to think about the bottles stacked inside the cupboard. It was still too early in the day. Loretta also tried not to think about her growing overdraft. The amount she owed was even more than she’d thought.

When the last of the shopping was tidied away, she popped some bread in the toaster. The aroma must have alerted Nathan who stumbled into the kitchen just as she was spreading some butter on the toast, her hands still shaky.

‘Mum, I’m starving!’ he said, his voice loud and whiny. ‘When can I have something to eat?’

The sound startled Loretta who was already unsteady and her hand slipped with the knife leaving her other hand smeared with a layer of greasy butter. By this time Nathan was at her side, leaning over to see what she was doing, his head too close to the food. ‘Ooh, is that one mine?’

‘For God’s sake, Nathan!’ yelled Loretta. ‘Can’t you bloody wait? Look what you’ve made me do.’

She reached over for some kitchen roll to wipe the butter away but was perturbed to find she hadn’t bought any. It hadn’t featured highly on her list of priorities at the time. Knowing she wouldn’t be able to get the grease off properly under the tap she decided to go to the bathroom and find some toilet paper.

As she walked away Nathan reached for the toast.

‘Don’t you bloody dare!’ she yelled. ‘I haven’t finished yet. And if you don’t stop pestering you won’t get any at all. Now go to your room until I shout you.’

By the time she’d come back to the kitchen Loretta was already feeling guilty for yelling at him. Who could blame him for being hungry? But she was too het up at the moment to put up with any nonsense.

She continued buttering toast, in between stirring a pan of beans on the hob. As she occupied herself, more memories from last night surfaced and, in particular, what Cliff had said about Amy. But she’d baulked at the suggestion straightaway. Now though, she began to think about the huge sum of money he’d offered her. It was tempting. She could really use that right now. But no, she couldn’t do it. Amy was her daughter and it was her duty to protect her.

She put the food onto the table and called the children down from their rooms. She still couldn’t face it. Instead, despite her earlier resolve, she reached inside the cupboard for the booze and poured herself a glass of wine. Just a small one, to take the edge off, she decided. Then she went through to the living room and left the kids to it.

Taking hold of the remote control she