Amber by Heather Burnside (fb2 epub reader .txt) 📕

again it took Amy some time before she could calm her shaking limbs. The experience had frightened and upset her, and she was at a loss as to what to do about it. She was tempted to tell an adult but, at the same time, afraid. It was something she didn’t feel comfortable discussing and what if they didn’t believe her?

She thought about her mother and recalled his words, ‘Don’t worry about your mum. I’ll see her right.’ She wasn’t sure what those words meant except that he seemed confident where her mother was concerned. And she knew her mum liked him because she’d told her so and asked her to be nice to him too. What if he convinced her mother that she’d been lying? Then she’d be in trouble. And she’d feel really ashamed because it would be a bad thing that she was accusing him of.

Amy thought fleetingly about telling her grandparents or a teacher or neighbour. But the thought of that bothered her even more than telling her mother. What if they didn’t believe her either? She already sensed that they didn’t think much of her mother and she didn’t want them to think badly of her too.

A feeling of powerlessness swamped her once more. There was nothing she could do; she only hoped it didn’t happen again. But the determined look in his eyes had told her that it probably would. And she dreaded his return.

29

July 1999

Loretta was feeling remorseful. She should never have agreed to let Cliff spend some time with Amy, but she’d been desperate for money. Cliff had been so persuasive, telling her that no harm would come to her daughter and, in the end, she hadn’t been able to resist the huge amount of money he’d offered.

Now though, it was the day after his visit, and she was struggling with the harsh reality of her own complicity. Loretta had known what he was after but had blanked her mind to it, too focused on financial gain. She only hoped he hadn’t gone too far. He’d assured her that he hadn’t but had refused to share any details.

She walked into the living room that morning, dreading the look on her daughter’s face. Amy looked up momentarily as she approached but then her eyes remained downcast, her face flushed.

‘Are you alright, love?’ she asked.

Amy shook her head slowly but didn’t speak.

‘What is it, love?’ she asked, knowing what the answer would be but afraid of hearing it.

‘I didn’t like what Cliff did,’ said Amy, her voice barely audible, and as she spoke a tear formed in the corner of her eye.

Loretta could sense that her daughter was afraid of telling her and she felt terrible. ‘What did he do, love?’

‘He touched me.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Somewhere he shouldn’t have,’ said Amy, the tears now flowing onto her cheeks.

‘Where?’ asked Loretta. ‘Show me where.’

Amy raised her hand and touched her own breast. ‘There,’ she said, quickly lowering her hand again.

Loretta gulped. ‘Oh, I’m sorry, love. I didn’t know he was going to do that. I’ll have a word with him and make sure it doesn’t happen again.’ When Amy didn’t respond, she asked, ‘Is that alright?’

Amy nodded imperceptibly and Loretta instinctively raised her hand to her mouth. The guilt tore away at her, knowing that she had been a party to this. How could she have been so desperate to offer up her daughter like that? She rushed to Amy’s side, taking her in her arms and whispering words of comfort, her own eyes now clouded with tears.

‘I’m so, so sorry. I promise, it’ll never happen again.’

And at that moment she meant every word.

*

August 1999

Cliff still came round to the house after that day, but he didn’t ask to spend time with Amy alone anymore. She presumed her mother must have had a word with him and told him she didn’t want him to. Amy couldn’t understand why her mother still wanted to see him after what had happened until she spotted something in the hall that explained it.

Loretta was letting him out of the house one morning after he had stayed, and Amy happened to be passing through the hall on her way upstairs. She saw him pass something to her mother. She wasn’t quite sure what it was at first, but it looked like a bunch of paper. Her mother was closing the door when she noticed Amy in the hallway and she quickly shoved whatever it was into her dressing gown pocket.

‘What on earth are you doing, Amy?’ she asked defensively.

‘Nothing. I’m just going to my room.’

‘Well go on then. Never mind standing there watching me.’

‘I wasn’t. I…’

‘I know what you were doing. Now go on, get up. You’re too nosy for your own good, young lady.’

Amy dashed up the stairs, eager to get away from her mother when she was in one of those moods.

It wasn’t until she was in her bedroom that she realised what Cliff had passed to her mother. Money. Yes, it was definitely money. But why would he be giving her money? Then a recollection flashed through her mind. It was a few months previously when Nathan had asked if their mother was a prostitute.

The realisation hit her with startling clarity, and it made sense considering that her mother had previously told her Cliff would be generous to them if she treated him nicely. But then denial took over. No, that couldn’t be right. Only bad people were prostitutes so she couldn’t possibly be one. She was their mum and their mum wouldn’t do something like that.

30

October 2015

Cora was pleased with herself. She’d finally managed to lure the object of her desire back to the squat where she was living. This wasn’t a paying client; it was a freebie. She’d wanted this man for so long and now she had finally managed to persuade him to spend some time with her.

But Cora was no fool; she knew he was only after a