Not Pretending Anymore by Ward, Penelope (big ebook reader .TXT) 📕

my legs up. “Okay. I told you about the girl I’m living with last time we spoke, right?”

“Yeah. Molly, is it? You guys still getting along?”

Where do I begin? I spent the next several minutes telling Catherine about my complicated relationship with Molly and the games we’d played with Will and Julia. I wrapped up the story with the half-drunk conversation we’d had a week ago.

“So you were honest with each other about your feelings,” she said. “Why is that a bad thing?”

“Well, I didn’t tell you about the week she was away.”

“Okay…”

“Long story short, she went to stay at her dad’s for a week after he got out of the hospital. While she was gone I…had a hard time.”

“You mean you missed her?”

“No, I mean… I sort of had a new episode.”

“Oh no, Declan. What happened?”

“Nothing. I just spent a couple of days in bed. I had to call out of work and stuff. But eventually I called Dr. Spellman.”

“Okay, good. Did that help?”

“He adjusted my meds, and I think it did.”

“Alright, well, that’s good. I’m sorry it happened, but I’m glad you recognized it and dealt with it. It sounds like you handled things well. How did Molly take coming home and seeing you like that?”

“She didn’t… Well, not really, anyway. I did my best to pull myself together. I’d been starting to feel a little better by then, anyway, and I knew she needed to talk to me about her dad, who’s really sick. But she could definitely tell something was off, because she kept asking me what was wrong.”

“Are you afraid to tell her, Declan?”

“It wasn’t the right time to get into it. I ended up drinking a little, and it didn’t mix well with my medications, which lowered my inhibitions, and that’s when we had the conversation about sex.”

“Oh my.” She laughed. “Well, you shouldn’t be drinking alcohol. You know that.”

I sighed. “The thing is, Cat, I know turning a blind eye to these feelings for Molly is the right thing to do. The distance thing—me living in California and her being here in Chicago—is definitely an issue, but I made it seem like distance was the main reason we couldn’t be together. Deep down, I know that’s not it. It’s more the fact that I haven’t told her anything about the messed-up stuff that sometimes goes on in my head.”

Her voice grew louder. “You’re not messed up, okay? So get that terminology out of your mind. You have some dark patches periodically that you need to get through. And you also worry way too much about what it could mean in the future, how it relates to Mom. And that cripples you. You’re not our mom. Please don’t let your fears derail things if you really like this girl.”

“After my conversation with her, the minute I got back to my room, all I wanted was to talk myself out of my fears. Like, what if I could somehow make it work? Why does it have to be so hard?”

“It sounds like you want to make it work. But let me ask you something, Declan. You had a thing for the woman you worked with, and you’ve had girlfriends over the last few years. Did you avoid relationships with them because of your situation?”

“No, but that was different.”

“And why was it different?”

“Because… This is Molly. I don’t want her to get hurt.”

“Exactly. I think that says a lot about how you must feel about her. You want what’s best for her over what’s best for you.”

“Yes, so that’s why I need you to talk some sense into me. I need you to say, ‘Declan, this girl is going through a rough time. She doesn’t need your mental baggage on top of everything. Not to mention, you’re dating the girl you’ve been chasing for a year who doesn’t seem to require a commitment. Don’t turn everyone’s lives upside down by messing around with your roommate.’”

Catherine sighed. “But she’s more than just a roommate, isn’t she?”

I thought for a moment. “More than anything, she’s a good friend. And that’s the other part of this that’s so hard. I care about her so much and don’t want to cause her complications by pursuing this. But I just—”

“You can’t help how you feel.”

“Apparently not.”

“How would you feel if your boss told you that you had to return to California immediately—like, this second? Leave everything in Chicago behind and never return.”

That was easy. “It would really suck. I’d be devastated.”

“Do you think you’re gonna feel any different when you leave in a few months?”

Letting out a long breath, I said, “Probably not.”

“Then maybe you need to reassess. If you have real feelings for this girl, you need to listen to them. And you need to tell her about your fears, about all the things you think she can’t handle.”

Catherine wasn’t helping. She was usually a very reasonable person. That’s why I’d called her and not one of my other sisters. But today she’d gone all listen-to-your-feelings on me.

“I guess I don’t trust myself, Cat. Maybe she’d be better off with that jerk doctor. I’m a loose cannon and certainly not good at serious relationships. That’s what she wants.”

“How would you know you’re not good at them if you’ve never had one?”

“Why do you ask tough questions?”

“That’s my job! To make you think when your head seems stuck in your ass.”

“Are nuns supposed to say ass?”

“Every time you call me, I nearly get myself kicked out of this place.”

“Well, your little brother will always take you in, even when the Big Man won’t have you anymore.”

She laughed. “Remember that game we used to play where I’d throw out a single word, and you’d have to answer with the first word that came to mind?”

“Yeah?”

“That’s a good way to assess your true feelings on things. A one-word association tells a lot. Let’s play right now. Ready?”

I was never one to refuse a game. “Okay. Ready.”

Catherine started. “Chicago.”

“Pizza.”

“Dad.”

“Old Spice.”

“That’s two words,” she said.

“Sue