Myth 18 - MythChief by Asprin, Robert (good non fiction books to read .TXT) 📕

“But... all these are children,” I said, looking around.

She planted her big hands on her hips. “But of course it's for kids!” she said, looking at me as if I was out of my mind.

I fumbled for an explanation. “Yes, but, Dragon-​pinning is part of the sacred rites of Foxe-​Swampburg. You're cheapening it by using a different image. You're devaluing a historical rite!”

“Pal, I'll rip off your arm if you don't keep your voice down. These kids are having fun!”

“I am Skeeve the Magnificent. I am here as a represen-​tative of Princess Hermalaya of Foxe-​Swampburg. You shouldn't be doing all of this.”

The woman glared at me. “Buddy, I don't care who you are, but if you frighten these kids off, I will give you a black eye so large it will cover your whole body.”

“Now, see here,” I started.

The woman lowered her horned head until we were eye to eye and nose to nose. “You see here, you skinny Klahd. The kids love it! I'm not stopping just on your say-​so.”

“Take it easy, take it easy,” Massha said.

“I'm not giving up on this one, Massha,” I declared. “Not twice in one day!”

“You don't have to, Skeeve. Excuse me a minute.”

She put a huge, meaty arm over the shoulders of the De-​veel and led her away quietly. I tried to listen over the din the children were raising.

I heard the words“... genuine ... adult... contractor... Bazaar exclusive ... children.” When she returned to me, the Deveel was grinning broadly.

“Mr. Skeeve, your associate told me all about what you're doing. I am so sorry to interfere with such a worthy enterprise. My name's Hepzibiltah, by the way.” She seized my hand in both of hers and pumped it up and down. “For-​give me for not introducing myself, but these kids make me crazy. It's a wonder I can remember to go home at the end of the day.”

I tried not to look suspicious. Deveels didn't act solici-​tous and placatory unless you had them over a barrel, one in which they could see an advantage for themselves.

“So, my associate, did she agree with the terms we pro-​posed?” I asked Massha, trying not to sound as though I was totally in the dark.

“Well, master, she walked right into it... I mean, she likes the idea a bunch. Who wouldn't?” “Indeed?” I inquired imperiously.

“Yeah, well,” Hepzibiltah said, a little awkwardly. “I mean, I heard about it on the Crystal Ether Net, and it sounded like something the kiddies would like. I mean, I am already running a bakery. Having the kiddies come here to have a party just seemed like a natural extension of my business. I didn't mean to move in on your territory. I mean, you're Skeeve the Magnificent! I forgot all about yI mean, it's been a long time since you've been around. I guess I thought you moved on.”

That stung, but it wasn't her fault. I regarded her with a benevolent face. “I am sure you did not mean to offend. Then it is agreed?”

“You bet,” the matron said heartily. “I get two-​year ex-​clusive Bazaar rights to run this operation for kiddies, op-​tion to be renegotiated at the end of that time. And I will study to become a real Cake Master. I'm looking forward to it. It's been a hoot so far. Er ... you won't mind if the definition of kiddies gets expanded a little? Sometimes I get teenagers in here, the occasional frat party ... ?”

“As long as they don't have kiddies of their own, they can count,” Massha said. “You know, twenty-​nine is the new nine.”

“Uh, okay,” she said, doubtfully. “Sounds fair. But your fee? Twenty percent of the gross sounds a little, er, hefty.”

“In exchange for calling yourself an official representa-​tive of the Foxe-​Swampburg Cake Ceremony, it is minor. But... since you seem to be operating in a friendly and hygienic setting”I glanced at Massha for her approval and got it“fifteen percent will do.”

“Still a little top-​heavy. Ten?” I spread out my hands. “Twelve and a half. Skeeve the Magnificent does not haggle.”

“That is what they all say. buddy. But okay. Weekly col-​lection is okay. That's when I pay all my suppliers.”

“Enforcement of exclusivity will be handled by you, I assume?” I eyed her under my lowered brows. “Honey, you can count on it. My husband's Mettro. You probably have heard of him?”

Mettro ran a large underground network of enforcers that worked in the Bazaar but had hired out to other di-​mensions for a fee. I had never needed his services, but I heard he was reasonably priced and would go anywhere. I raised one eyebrow. “Yes, I have.”

“So, no problem. The kiddies get their Cake and eat it, too.” Hepzibiltah burst into hearty laughter, which shook her ample flesh all around. “Get it?”

“I... got it.”

Massha beamed as I shook hands with my new partner and swept out of the shop.

We turned into a side street where I dropped my dis-​guise.

“Whew,” I said.

“Not too bad,” Massha greed. “A little extra in the kitty. I looked at her books. She's pulling in almost ten gold coins a week profit already.”

“Sounds kind of marginal to me,” I said. “Around here, ten gold coins is nothing.” I started to turn back. “Maybe we could just make do with ten percent. Or five.”

“Hold it right there, Hot Pants,” Massha said, dragging me back by my arm. “Don't let your heart get in the way of the real reason we did that. Hermalaya needs