War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy (ebook reader for pc TXT) 📕

Natásha asked with a slight smile. “I guessed it then when we met at the Súkharev tower, do you remember?”

Pierre admitted that it was true, and from that was gradually led by Princess Márya’s questions and especially by Natásha’s into giving a detailed account of his adventures.

At first he spoke with the amused and mild irony now customary with him toward everybody and especially toward himself, but when he came to describe the horrors and sufferings he had witnessed he was unconsciously carried away and began speaking with the suppressed emotion of a man re-experiencing in recollection strong impressions he has lived through.

Princess Márya with a gentle smile looked now at Pierre and now at Natásha. In the whole narrative she saw only Pierre and his goodness. Natásha, leaning on her elbow, the expression of her face constantly changing with the narrative, watched Pierre with an attention that never wandered⁠—evidently herself experiencing all that he described. Not only her look, but her exclamations and the brief questions she put, showed Pierre that she understood just what he wished to convey. It was clear that she understood not only what he said but also what he wished to, but could not, express in words. The account Pierre gave of the incident with the child and the woman for protecting whom he was arrested was this: “It was an awful sight⁠—children abandoned, some in the flames⁠ ⁠… One was snatched out before my eyes⁠ ⁠… and there were women who had their things snatched off and their earrings torn out⁠ ⁠…” he flushed and grew confused. “Then a patrol arrived and all the men⁠—all those who were not looting, that is⁠—were arrested, and I among them.”

“I am sure you’re not telling us everything; I am sure you did something⁠ ⁠…” said Natásha and pausing added, “something fine?”

Pierre continued. When he spoke of the execution he wanted to pass over the horrible details, but Natásha insisted that he should not omit anything.

Pierre began to tell about Karatáev, but paused. By this time he had risen from the table and was pacing the room, Natásha following him with her eyes. Then he added:

“No, you can’t understand what I learned from that illiterate man⁠—that simple fellow.”

“Yes, yes, go on!” said Natásha. “Where is he?”

“They killed him almost before my eyes.”

And Pierre, his voice trembling continually, went on to tell of the last days of their retreat, of Karatáev’s illness and his death.

He told of his adventures as he had never yet recalled them. He now, as it were, saw a new meaning in all he had gone through. Now that he was telling it all to Natásha he experienced that pleasure which a man has when women listen to him⁠—not clever women who when listening either try to remember what they hear to enrich their minds and when opportunity offers to retell it, or who wish to adopt it to some thought of their own and promptly contribute their own clever comments prepared in their little mental workshop⁠—but the pleasure given by real women gifted with a capacity to select and absorb the very best a man shows of himself. Natásha without knowing it was all attention: she did not lose a word, no single quiver in Pierre’s voice, no look, no twitch of a muscle in his face, nor a single gesture. She caught the unfinished word in its flight and took it straight into her open heart, divining the secret meaning of all Pierre’s mental travail.

Princess Márya understood his story and sympathized with him, but she now saw something else that absorbed all her attention. She saw the possibility of love and happiness between Natásha and Pierre, and the first thought of this filled her heart with gladness.

It was three o’clock in the morning. The footmen came in with sad and stern faces to change the candles, but no one noticed them.

Pierre finished his story. Natásha continued to look at him intently with bright, attentive, and animated eyes, as if trying to understand something more which he had perhaps left untold. Pierre in shamefaced and happy confusion glanced occasionally at her, and tried to think what to say next to introduce a fresh subject. Princess Márya was silent. It occurred to none of them that it was three o’clock and time to go to bed.

“People speak of misfortunes and sufferings,” remarked Pierre, “but if at this moment I were asked: ‘Would you rather be what you were before you were taken prisoner, or go through all this again?’ then for heaven’s sake let me again have captivity and horseflesh! We imagine that when we are thrown out of our usual ruts all is lost, but it is only then that what is new and good begins. While there is life there is happiness. There is much, much before us. I say this to you,” he added, turning to Natásha.

“Yes, yes,” she said, answering something quite different. “I too should wish nothing but to relive it all from the beginning.”

Pierre looked intently at her.

“Yes, and nothing more,” said Natásha.

“It’s not true, not true!” cried Pierre. “I am not to blame for being alive and wishing to live⁠—nor you either.”

Suddenly Natásha bent her head, covered her face with her hands, and began to cry.

“What is it, Natásha?” said Princess Márya.

“Nothing, nothing.” She smiled at Pierre through her tears. “Good night! It is time for bed.”

Pierre rose and took his leave.

Princess Márya and Natásha met as usual in the bedroom. They talked of what Pierre had told them. Princess Márya did not express her opinion of Pierre nor did Natásha speak of him.

“Well, good night, Márya!” said Natásha. “Do you know, I am often afraid that by not speaking of him” (she meant Prince Andréy) “for fear of not doing justice to our feelings, we forget him.”

Princess Márya sighed deeply and thereby acknowledged the justice of Natásha’s remark, but she did not express agreement in words.

“Is it possible to forget?” said she.

“It did me so much good to tell all