Don't Go by L.J. Breedlove (series like harry potter txt) 📕

Ryan started laughing. “Doctor, I’m attracted to humans. Male, female, straight, gay, old young. You met Carroll, J.J.’s friend? And you know they’re asexual, or at least they perceive themselves that way at this point in their life? Well, I’m at the opposite end of the spectrum. I’m omnisexual. I have no perceived patterns. If I like someone, I want them. Hell, I don’t even have to like them.”

“And that’s why you asked about sex addiction?”

Ryan shook his head. “Not really,” he said slowly, working it out for himself. “I don’t think that’s abnormal. Rare maybe.

“No, the addiction question was because sex stopped being satisfying. And so, I’d chase more of it. I almost feel desperate.”

“Like there’s a hole in your emotional bucket. And you can’t fill it.”

Ryan visualized the metaphor. “Yes, that’s it. And the more I try to fill it, the more desperate I feel. And sex and desperate shouldn’t go together. Not like that.”

She nodded. “Here’s a couple of observations. Finding McShane attractive just means you’re warm-bodied and breathing in my book. That man is fine.” She drew out the word fine, and he grinned.

“Second, it could be just that you’re so used to physical connection, and you want some right now. Been longer than usual? Given that you’ve had a son dropped in your lap?”

Ryan considered that. He let out a long shuddering breath and nodded. His party had been what, 10 days ago? Two weeks? Jesus, that was longer than he’d been without sex since he was 13.

“OK, yes. Ten days.”

She snorted. And he shrugged.

“Young men,” she said dryly. “You never cease to amaze me.”

He grinned. He had always liked this woman.

“But third, and more serious, you talked about attachment during our first session. You wondered if maybe you’d missed developing attachments when you were little. Knowing what you know now, what do you think?”

He snorted. “I think it’s a miracle I’m not a psychopath,” he said. “So yeah, I didn’t develop attachments when I should have. But what does that mean? That I will never form attachments?”

“Not necessarily, that would make you a psychopath, although we don’t use that label anymore.”

“You don’t?” he said startled. Then waved an apology. Focus, he thought. Besides, he could look that up later.

She continued, “In fact, in your case, I think you crave attachments, that you feel almost needy, you want them so much,” she said, surprising him a bit. “And reading between the lines, you found sexual hookups as a way to get the attachments at least for a while. Does that resonate for you?”

He swallowed hard and nodded.

“There are other ways to get those attachments besides sex, although convincing a man — of any age — of that can be difficult,” she said with an eye roll. He laughed again. “First it’s natural to want to be touched. But you could get a massage, go dancing with friends, play touch football, for God’s sake. Learn to give and get hugs from friends. All of those things are good, and they don’t violate the commitments you make to the one you love.”

He nodded.

“But the other thing is that hole in your emotional bucket. Nothing ever seems like enough. And it won’t, until we get that hole patched up.”

“We?”

“We,” she said firmly. “It’s not going to happen overnight. You’ve got a lot to work through.”

“That may be a problem.” He had told her he might need to leave at any moment.

“We’ll work on things until you need to leave, and then we’ll pick up when you get back,” she said comfortably. “Rome wasn’t built in a day.”

“Thank you, doctor,” he said, as he got up to leave.

“Oh, one thing? I’m the recipient of my grandfather’s financial holdings in Portland,” he said. “I needed to tap into that today. And I realized none of this makes sense. They abandon me without explanation, and yet they leave me a trust fund, the old family house, and a lot of money. And I wondered something?”

He hesitated. “You said my biological mother got out of jail just as they retired? And took their around-the-world retirement cruise? That she’d gone on the cruise with them?”

“That’s what Janet told me,” Dr. Clarke said.

Ryan nodded. “I still feel like they chose her over me, and it makes me sick to my stomach,” he admitted. “But I remembered today: the reason they set up the trust fund before they left was because I wasn’t 18 yet.”

The two of them looked at each other.

“Make an appointment with my nurse for tomorrow,” she said at last. “I don’t know what to say to that. We can start there tomorrow.”

“Or not.”

“Or maybe not.” Dr. Clarke agreed. “Oh! Before I forget, why did you need the lab report from when we had to pump your stomach sent to the Provost’s office?”

He shook his head. “That’s also a story for another day, doc.”

He knew he should go by the newsroom. He knew he should go to the Washingtons’ home and be with his son before he went to bed.

What he wanted to do was get laid. He wanted it so much his balls hurt. He wanted for all the reasons he’d always wanted it. He wanted the release. He wanted the pleasure. He wanted the connection. That god-damn connection, the reassurance that he was real. And he could go find that. Even on a Monday night. Even with COVID closing most everything down. Hell, he could go to his old loft where there were roommates....

He sat in the car and took a long deep breath. He took another migraine tablet. Then he thought about Teresa, about being with her, about the sound of her voice, of her laughter. He thought about how good it had felt to hold her in his arms again, as she had pressed Rafael into them, and what it had felt like just hold them both. The three of them, a family. That was what he wanted, he realized. That was worth giving up —