The Crush by Ward Penelope (best book recommendations txt) 📕

I expected him to reach out and kiss me, but he didn’t. An unsettled feeling developed in my stomach.

“Can we take a walk?” he asked.

Something in his voice made my heart sink. Hope turned to dread pretty fast. We walked down the block, past a row of stores, and then around the corner to a residential neighborhood.

“I can understand why you haven’t come around Nathan, but why have you been avoiding me?” I asked.

“I needed time to think—not just about what I want, but more importantly, about what’s best for you. Those two things are unfortunately not one and the same.” He stopped walking for a moment and looked into my eyes. “I had no right to keep that information about what really happened the day your parents died from you. I allowed you to fall in love with me without divulging something you had every right to know—something that quite frankly should have changed your opinion about me.”

“Why? Why should it have changed my opinion? You were acting in self-defense. You thought you were doing the right thing. How could I blame you for that?”

“Farrah, there’s a very good chance that the choice I made led to the outcome. Don’t you see that?” He looked up at the sky, then back at me. “You might not blame me now, but when this love fog you’re in subsides, it will eventually hit you. You’ll wake up one day, look at me, and see nothing but the man partially responsible for your entire world being taken away.”

I shook my head. “I’m sorry, but I’ll never see it that way.”

“Even if you don’t, Nathan made it clear that he does. He can’t see past it. That was something I hadn’t realized until the other night. I didn’t know he still harbored so much anger and blame toward me. Knowing that changes a lot.”

I felt jittery with panic. “What are you saying? Get to the damn point, Jace.”

“I’m saying I don’t want to be responsible for you losing the only family you have left when I already feel responsible for you losing your parents. I can’t live with that.” He closed his eyes. “As much as I want this to work, and goddamn it, Farrah, as much as I love you, I can’t put you in this situation. It would be the ultimate act of selfishness.” Jace placed his head in his hands. “Walking away from you is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”

Walking away? He’d nearly knocked the wind out of me.

“Walking away…” I repeated.

The pain in his eyes was palpable. “I need to leave, Farrah.”

A rush of blood traveled to my head as I pleaded, “This is a mistake.”

“It’s the last thing I want, but it’s what’s best for you, even if you don’t realize it right now.”

I wanted to cry, but shock prevented me from doing anything. “Where are you going?”

“Back to North Carolina. Honestly, that was always the plan. I don’t belong here.”

Always the plan?

My devastation turned to anger. “So that’s it? You were going to leave all along? And now you’re just going to pretend nothing happened between us? That you didn’t fall in love with me?”

Jace covered his face with his hands. “I didn’t say that. I won’t forget any of it. Ever.” He looked up at me. “For as long as I live, Farrah. I’ll just be hoping you can forget me. This is not a decision I want to make. It’s the decision I have to make. There’s a difference.”

I felt betrayed. And more than that, I felt disappointed in him for not fighting harder, for not being willing to risk everything to be with me. Despite that, I was still tempted to beg him not to leave. But then what? This wasn’t just about Nathan anymore. It was about the wound Nathan had opened when he dropped that bomb, and Jace’s inability to deal with it.

Jace was back to running from his guilt like he always did. Being with me would mean having to face it, something he didn’t seem willing to do. I, on the other hand, had been willing to give everything up for him, but only as long as it brought us happiness. Right now, he was miserable and running scared. That was clear. If he wasn’t willing to let the past go to allow himself to be happy, how could this ever work?

“I don’t know what to say, Jace. I’m in shock.”

“You don’t need to say anything. There are really no words for this. The whole situation sucks. I swear to God, I never meant to hurt you. I just feel like I need to stop this before I do irreparable harm to both of you.”

I didn’t want to break the news to him that he’d already done that. His leaving would never be something I’d just “get over.” If he thought that, he sure as hell had underestimated my feelings for him. And I didn’t know that I could ever forgive my brother for putting us in this situation.

He placed his hand on my chin. “Farrah, look at me. I need you to hear this.” He exhaled. “I can’t…live on the pedestal you’ve always put me on. I don’t deserve it. That’s the truth. If I stay and ruin your relationship with your brother, I’ll never be able to forgive myself. I’m still working on forgiving myself for everything else. I’m nowhere near there yet. Aside from all that, I have never been capable of holding on to a relationship. There are just too many damn ways to hurt you.”

Didn’t he realize he’d already hurt me?

“You’re really leaving?” My voice trembled.

He nodded. “Yeah.”

“When?”

“Tonight.”

“Tonight?” I wiped a tear and shook my head. “Jesus. I’m surprised you even bothered to say goodbye.”

“I’m leaving tonight because I can’t be here another minute if I know I’m not staying. It’s too painful. I can barely look at you right now.”

I mustered up the courage to say one