Etiquette and Vitriol by Nicky Silver (best books to read for students TXT) đź“•
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- Author: Nicky Silver
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PHYLLIS: Bishop—
BISHOP (Out): M-m-m, was for—
PHYLLIS: Stop it, Bishop! (Out) Bishop can be quite the little show-off. (To Bishop) No one is interested. No one cares. And if they do, they can buy one of three thousand books currently in print about her.
BISHOP: Yes, Mother.
PHYLLIS: Thank you.
BISHOP (Out): Morning Glory!!
PHYLLIS: There’s no telling how long we’re going to be here, so please try to behave.
BISHOP: I’m hungry.
PHYLLIS: Don’t think about it.
BISHOP: What should I th-th-think about?
PHYLLIS: Don’t you realize how lucky you are to be alive?
BISHOP: No.
PHYLLIS: Well, you are very lucky.
BISHOP: Oh.
PHYLLIS: Everyone else was killed.
BISHOP: I know.
PHYLLIS: They weren’t so lucky.
BISHOP: Lucky me.
PHYLLIS: That’s right.
BISHOP: I’m l-l-lucky. And I’m hungry.
PHYLLIS: Oh, dig for clams.
BISHOP: I d-d-don’t like clams.
PHYLLIS: Have you ever had clams?
BISHOP: No.
PHYLLIS: Then, how do you know you don’t like them?
BISHOP: They look like snot.
PHYLLIS: Not clams casino.
BISHOP: I’m sorry.
PHYLLIS: You’re giving me a headache, Bishop.
BISHOP: I’m sorry.
PHYLLIS: Can’t you go play with the dead bodies or something?
You’re eleven, you should like that sort of thing.
BISHOP (Out): There were magazines in the cockpit, with p-p-pictures of naked boys doing things to each other.
PHYLLIS (Out): Probably why we crashed.
BISHOP: I’m hungry.
PHYLLIS: You said that.
BISHOP: I’m s-s-sorry.
PHYLLIS: Try to say new things.
BISHOP: I’m st-t-tarving.
PHYLLIS: Interesting things.
BISHOP: I’m famished.
PHYLLIS: I should be dead now. I tell myself I should be dead or in Italy.
BISHOP: I’m h-h-h—
PHYLLIS: Bishop!
BISHOP: Thirsty.
PHYLLIS: Oh, I’ll go look for food. Hold my shoes. They’re ruined at this point, but the last thing I need is to lose a heel.
(Phyllis hands Bishop her shoes and exits over the dune. Bishop addresses the audience.)
BISHOP: I d-d-didn’t mind crashing. Really. It was ek-ek-ek— cool. I’m lucky. We were s-s-spinning and spinning and it was just like being in a movie. K-k-katharine Hepburn played an avi-av-av—lady pilot in the movie Christopher Strong. It was never turned into a musical. I am Bishop Hogan. Th-that is my name, I am not a deacon of the church. I’m eleven. My father is famous. He hates Mother. He sleeps with the young girls in his m-m-movies.
(Howard enters from the wings.)
HOWARD (Out): That’s not true.
BISHOP (Out): He doesn’t love my mother and he doesn’t love m-m-me.
HOWARD (Out): She tells him these things—
BISHOP (Out): He’s ob-bsessed with his work.
HOWARD (Out): To assuage her guilt over a failing marriage and to alienate my son from me.
BISHOP (Out): He’s self-absorbed.
HOWARD (Out): Her words.
BISHOP (Out): The only reason I have any friends at all, is b-b-because I give them Arcky dolls.
HOWARD (Out): She fills his head with lies.
BISHOP (Out): Arcky was the extrat-t-terrestrial in my father’s movie.
HOWARD (Out): They know Arcky. Everybody knows Arcky. Everybody loves him. (Out) They used him in the Pepsi- Cola commercials.
BISHOP: Why don’t you love Mommy?
HOWARD (Out): Who said I didn’t?
BISHOP: She did.
HOWARD: Oh.
BISHOP: Wh-wh-why?
HOWARD: She’s overbearing.
BISHOP: What’s that?
HOWARD: It’s complicated.
PAM (Offstage): Hoowwaardd?
BISHOP: Do you think we’re d-d-dead?
HOWARD: I haven’t thought about it yet.
PAM (Offstage): Hoowwwaarrddd!
HOWARD: Excuse me.
(Howard exits. Phyllis enters.)
PHYLLIS: There is nothing.
BISHOP: Oh?
PHYLLIS: Not so much as a coconut. Oh, give me those, I feel frumpish. This island is a parking lot. (She takes the shoes)
BISHOP: I’m hungry.
PHYLLIS: I know.
BISHOP: Do you think Daddy thinks we’re dead?
PHYLLIS (Bright): Let’s talk about sleeping arrangements. Shall we?
BISHOP: I bet he’s c-c—worried.
PHYLLIS: It’ll be night soon.
BISHOP: He’s crying. I bet.
PHYLLIS: Can you build a lean-to?
BISHOP: I miss Daddy.
PHYLLIS: Can you build a lean-to, or a hut, or something?
BISHOP: Do you miss D-d-daddy?
PHYLLIS: Can you, Bishop, build a lean-to?
BISHOP: Of course not.
PHYLLIS: What do you mean, of course not?
BISHOP: I mean I can’t.
PHYLLIS: Don’t be negative. Why can’t you?
BISHOP: Because I can’t.
PHYLLIS: That’s no attitude. How do you know you can’t? You have to try and find out that you can’t.
BISHOP: Daddy c-c-could build a lean-to. He could build a split-level twin dwelling.
PHYLLIS: Do not mention your father again tonight.
BISHOP: I’m s-s-sorry. (Out) Katharine Hepburn made Philadelphia Story in n-n-n-nineteen-forty-one. After being labeled box-office poison.
PHYLLIS: I’m ignoring that. Now. What will you need to build a lean-to?
BISHOP: I can’t build a lean-to!
PHYLLIS: Why not?!
BISHOP: Because I’m hungry!!
PHYLLIS: Don’t raise your voice to me!
BISHOP: I’m s-s-sorry.
PHYLLIS: I realize you’re frightened—
BISHOP: I’m hungry—
PHYLLIS: And hungry.
BISHOP: You hate me and you wish I was dead.
PHYLLIS: What a terrible thing to say.
BISHOP: Why won’t you feed me?
PHYLLIS: Eat seaweed.
BISHOP: I’m not Chinese.
PHYLLIS: I thought you were hungry?
BISHOP: It’s poison.
PHYLLIS: It’s sushi.
BISHOP: It’s creepy.
PHYLLIS: Eat rocks, eat sand—oh, hand me my purse.
(He does so.)
Here. Eat lipstick. It’s not poison.
BISHOP: Thank you. (He eats it)
PHYLLIS (Out): He was always a picky eater. As a baby, Bishop threw up everything five minutes after he ate it. Tell you the truth, I thought he was bulimic.
BISHOP: Done!
PHYLLIS: You didn’t save me any?
BISHOP: I didn’t think you l-l-liked lipstick.
PHYLLIS: That’s not the point.
BISHOP: I’m sorry.
PHYLLIS (Bright): Now. What will you need to build a lean-to?
BISHOP: M-m-mother?
PHYLLIS: You can get supplies from the wreckage—
BISHOP: M-m-mother?
PHYLLIS: You can build here, with a southern exposure and a view of the sea—
BISHOP: M-m-mother!
PHYLLIS: That’ll be lovely—
BISHOP: Mommy!
PHYLLIS: What is it?
BISHOP: I’m still hungry.
PHYLLIS: You just ate a whole lipstick.
BISHOP: We’re going to starve to death, aren’t we?
PHYLLIS: Don’t be ridiculous. I have lots of lipsticks. (Out) Different colors for different outfits.
BISHOP: You can’t live on lipstick.
PHYLLIS: I don’t see why not.
BISHOP: It has no v-v-vitamins.
PHYLLIS: We’ll fish.
BISHOP: We have no t-t-tackle.
PHYLLIS: We’ll hunt.
BISHOP: We’re going to starve to death!!
PHYLLIS: We’ll trim down!
BISHOP: I’m thin now!
PHYLLIS: Five pounds, and you’ll be amazed at how clothing hangs off of you!
BISHOP: You don’t care.
PHYLLIS: Please, I’m tired, I’m irritated and I have sand in my stockings! Try to cooperate. Now, if the lean-to faces this way, the morning sun will get in my eyes—
BISHOP: WE’RE GOING TO DIE! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!
WE’RE GOING TO STARVE TO DEATH!! WE’LL DIE!!
PHYLLIS: ALL RIGHT!! All right. Hand me my purse.
(He does so. She pulls out a huge butcher’s knife.)
Here’s a knife. Now. Go back to the plane and cut the arm off that nun. Bring it back here and I’ll
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