Etiquette and Vitriol by Nicky Silver (best books to read for students TXT) 📕

sometime, if you want, Mr. Antonelli.” I was six, and the concept of Junior and Misses sizing had not yet been made clear to me. Well, my mother squeezed my hand so tightly I thought my fingers would snap off. Once on the street, she explained to me that I must never, ever speak to Mr. Antonelli again. If he spoke to me, I was to nod politely. But I was never—under any circumstances—to speak to him again. And I was certainly not to get into the elevator with him. My mother explained to me that Mr. Antonelli was a freak. That he should be locked up. Forgotten about. That Mr. Antonelli, although not to blame him for his condition, was nevertheless, the lowest form of the species, a creature to fear, and his parents, poor souls, must have a terrible burden to bear. Now. In my dream, I’m a little girl again. And I’m wearing my little powder-blue jumper. The one I wore that day. Only, I’m not on my way to any birthday party. I’m on a field trip with my class from school. We’re at the zoo. Riding the monorail and laughing. The sun is shining, balloons fill the sky and we have cotton candy for lunch. We go to the reptile house and the polar-bear cage and the tigers are sunning themselves. Then we go to the monkey house. But there aren’t any monkeys. There are, climbing the jungle gym, picking salt from their hair, dozens and dozens of fat men in skirts. Huge fat men, with matching jewelry sets, swinging from limb to limb, laughing in no language. And everyone laughs and points. And then they turn around. All the monkeys. All the men turn around at once. They turn around and look at me, right at me. And they all have the same face. And it’s Bishop’s face. They all have my son’s face.

(Bishop steps into the light, holding a trousered leg.)

Who’s for dinner?

BISHOP: Leg of pilot.

(Phyllis takes the leg. Exits.)

My father has a mistress. I think he always has.

(The lights come up on Howard and Pam.)

HOWARD: I think I could love you.

PAM: Well, thanks.

HOWARD: What did you say your name was again?

PAM: I didn’t.

HOWARD: You have beautiful legs.

PAM: It’s Pam. Pamela. Pam.

HOWARD: It’s a beautiful name. Would you like something to eat?

PAM: No thank you.

HOWARD: Are you sure?

PAM: I don’t eat.

HOWARD: I don’t understand.

PAM: I take liquid protein.

HOWARD: Oh?

PAM: And amphetamines.

HOWARD: Don’t you get hungry?

PAM: I fill up on pills.

HOWARD: You look thin to me.

PAM (Out): The camera adds ten pounds.

HOWARD: You’re an actress?

PAM: Yes. Maybe you’ve seen some of my films? Hannah Does Her Sisters, Lubricating Rita, Fatal Erection, True Clit, Star Whores, Anal Weapon, A Room with a View?

HOWARD: You were in A Room with a View?

PAM: No. I just said that. I don’t know why.

HOWARD: Oh. I direct films.

PAM: I know that. I’ve seen every one of your movies.

HOWARD: Really?

PAM: No.

HOWARD: Oh. Would you like a drink?

PAM: No. I don’t drink.

HOWARD: Why not?

PAM: I gave it up.

HOWARD: When?

PAM: I drink. I don’t know why I said that.

HOWARD: Well, would you like one?

PAM: Yes. No.

HOWARD: Are you nervous?

PAM: Yes. Not really. I took a Dietack at three o’clock.

HOWARD: You look thin to me—

PAM (Out): The camera adds ten pounds—

HOWARD: Should we go to bed?

PAM: That’s very direct.

HOWARD: I’m sorry.

PAM (Out): I like that in a man.

HOWARD: Do you?

PAM (Out): No. Of course not. All day on the set, that’s what I get. Nice to meet you. Roll tape and penetration.

HOWARD: Would you like to go?

PAM: I think so.

HOWARD: I’ll get your coat.

PAM: I mean I want to stay. I find you incredibly attractive. I think you might be the handsomest man I’ve ever seen.

HOWARD: Really?

PAM: Of course not. I mean you’re nice-looking, but I just said that. I thought you’d like to hear it. I guess. I mean I do think you’re fine. Is your penis big?

HOWARD: Yes.

PAM: Really?

HOWARD: No. I mean I guess it’s average.

PAM: It doesn’t matter.

HOWARD: Really?

PAM (Out): To some people.

HOWARD: It matters to you?

PAM: No.

HOWARD: Good.

PAM (Out): It matters.

HOWARD: Yes?

PAM: No.

HOWARD: Good.

PAM: You direct movies?

HOWARD: Yes.

PAM: You could put me in one.

HOWARD: I could.

PAM: Would you?

HOWARD: Yes.

PAM: Really?

HOWARD: No. I just said that hoping it would make you more eager to have sex with me and less concerned about my genital size.

PAM: I see. Your bluntness verges on insulting.

HOWARD: That’s the way I am. Abrupt and self-absorbed.

PAM: I find it repulsive.

HOWARD: We’re attracted to that which repels us.

PAM: Oh?

HOWARD: I hope so. My marriage is based on it.

PAM: I think I should go.

HOWARD: That might be best.

PAM: It was nice meeting you.

HOWARD: I’ll get you a cab.

(They embrace and sink to the ground. Bishop enters a pool of light and addresses the audience.)

BISHOP: Katharine Hepburn made Suddenly Last Summer in n-n-nineteen-fifty-nine. It was based on a one-act play by Tennessee Williams. B-b-both she and Elizabeth Taylor were n-n-nominated for Oscars for the film. It is the story of Violet Venable, Katharine Hepburn’s efforts to have her n-n-niece, Elizabeth Taylor, lobotomized by Doctor Montgomery Clift. She wants to stop Liz from telling the world about her son, Sebastian—named for St. Sebastian, who was pecked to death by crows, like Tippi Hedren in the movie, The Birds. (His stutter is gone) It seems, Sebastian was this homo who used to use Katharine to lure young men on tropical islands, until she got too old and he had to use Liz. (And Katharine had the hots for junior herself, sorta.) But last summer he was eaten to death by homo-cannibals, which according to the movie had something to do with sea turtles and Elizabeth Taylor’s bathing suit becoming transparent when it got wet. (He looks at his feet, which straighten themselves from their pigeon-toed stance) According to legend, and her biography, by Charles Higham, Katharine Hepburn had to have homosexuality explained to her by Joseph Mankiewicz. Now, I don’t think it’s possible to have worked in Hollywood for twenty-five years