Scatman Dues (Freaky Florida Mystery Adventures Book 6) by Margaret Lashley (ereader for android TXT) 📕

a secretor meant, but as long as I wasn’t one, I didn’t care.

“Told you,” I said. “Were you able to isolate any alien bacteria?”

“No.” Grayson closed the test kit. “That’s going to take some serious lab work.”

I smirked. “Speaking of serious work, get ready to join the bucket brigade, Bozo.” I grabbed a marker and started writing Grayson’s name on the shiny new pail he’d bought at Walmart. “Ha!” I laughed. “Who’s the sucker now?”

“In the spirit of good sportsmanship, I bought you this,” Grayson said, handing me a Walmart bag.

I peeked inside. It was loaded with Tootsie Pops. I felt like a turd.

“You shouldn’t have,” I said.

His cheek dimpled. “I know. But I’m a sucker for a gal with sweet gut bacteria.”

I nearly blushed. For Grayson, that was tantamount to a marriage proposal.

“Uh, Grayson. I’ve got some bad news. Earl’s way too out of it to be of any use infiltrating Queen Quaalude’s Cruller meeting. What are we gonna do?”

“I’m not sure.” Grayson rubbed his chin. “I suppose we could ask Sherman—but he has to be home by eight-thirty.”

Seriously?

“Uh ... yeah,” I said. “I don’t think his mother would let him, anyway.”

Grayson sighed. “You’re probably right. But no matter. If we can locate the portal today, infiltrating the meeting would be a moot point.”

He stood up and waved for me to join him.

“Come on, Drex. Let’s go.”

My nose crinkled. “Where?”

“To locate the portal—or did I not just say that?”

Chapter Fifty-Nine

By this time, it wasn’t hard to find Whirlwind Trail—or the clearing. We just followed the trampled trail left by my galoshes and Grayson’s and Earl’s muddy clodhoppers.

“Spooky,” Garth said.

He was right. Without Queen Kristie and her Cruller Crew dancing around in it, the clearing felt oddly abandoned. That didn’t stop Grayson from marching right into the middle of it.

“It was right about here that I set up the time dilation experiment,” Grayson said, standing at the edge of the burned-out bonfire. “This area showed a six-percent discrepancy in the speed of light.”

“Whoa,” Garth said. “That’s heavy-duty.”

“What exactly does that mean?” Jimmy asked.

“According to Einstein, it means anything is theoretically possible—including portals leading to other dimensions.” Grayson placed his hands on his hips. “Now, where are you, you sneaky little devil?”

“Um, Mr. Gray,” Jimmy said. “Not to rain on your parade or anything, but if there’s a time portal around here, why don’t the robed guys get sucked up into it?”

“Yeah,” Garth said. “Why don’t we get sucked up?”

“It could be any number of reasons,” Grayson said. “But I believe Queen Kristie has control of it somehow. Perhaps she’s waiting for the men to ripen before she plucks them and takes them back to Krull.”

“Ripen?” I asked.

“As we all noted last night, the men have obtained impressive girths,” Grayson said. “Human toro-belly could be quite the delicacy on the intergalactic black market. If so, don’t forget that Queen Kristie’s getting paid by the pound.”

“I bet that’s why she gave them the robes,” Jimmy said. “She didn’t want them to realize they don’t fit in their clothes anymore.”

“That doesn’t appear to stop some people,” I muttered. “I’ve seen things at Walmart I’ll never be able to un-see.”

“True dat,” Garth said, then wiped his nose on his sleeve.

“Speaking of fat, does anyone smell bacon?” Jimmy asked.

“I don’t,” I said. “But then again, my nose may be broken from having to smell Earl in the RV.”

“Now that you mention it, I do,” Grayson said, sniffing the air.

Jimmy walked over by Grayson and sniffed. Then he toed at the ashes of the bonfire—and kicked out what looked like a human arm bone.

“Huh,” Grayson said. “My money was on raw flesh. I hadn’t thought of barbeque.”

“Good grief!” I shouted. “If Queen Bimbo’s barbequing these guys, who’s to say we won’t be next?”

“We will be—humanity will be—if we don’t stop her,” Grayson said.

We all stared at the cracked bone lying amid the ashes. A deepening dread made my gut gurgle.

“Think, troops,” Grayson said. “We need to find that portal and shut Queen Bimbo’s butcher shop down tonight—before anyone else ends up dead.”

I chewed my lip. “Uh ... Grayson, would it help to go back and borrow Sherman’s o-scope thing again?”

“Sure,” he said, exchanging glances with Garth. “But I think the men concur, it’s not worth the risk.”

Chapter Sixty

I stared at the three men as they poked around Queen Kristie’s Kannibal Kampfire.

Great. Humanity’s at stake, and our only line of defense are three doofuses who’re afraid of a little old lady who looks like a bulldog.

Boy, has she got them trained.

Wait. Maybe that’s it!

“Uh, Grayson ... do you think maybe Queen Kristie isn’t having these guys do team-building exercises, but instead is training them?”

The guys all stopped poking around and looked over at me.

“Training them for what?” Jimmy asked. “Size XXXL sweatpants?”

“No,” I said. “To trust her.”

The three of them simultaneously gasped.

“Trust a woman?” Garth asked. “That’s not possible, is it?”

My last nerve gave out. “Excuse me, twerp! You believe in Klingons but not—”

Hold on! You’re better than this, Bobbie!

I shut my mouth, closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and started again.

“Look. Queen Kristie’s training the guys to walk on coals, right?” I asked.

The guys nodded.

“So, what if those are just the baby steps?” I said. “What if her ultimate goal is to desensitize them to fire. You know, reduce their fear of flames.”

“To what end?” Grayson asked.

“So they’ll follow her orders,” I said. “What if these guys are gradually being brainwashed into demonstrating their ultimate proof of loyalty—by running into the bonfire at her command?”

“That would explain the charred bones,” Jimmy said. “I just found another one.”

“But what’s the point of it all,” Grayson asked. “Other than to watch the men suffer? Which, I’ve heard, is a favorite pastime of women.”

I ignored his remark. “What if the bonfire wasn’t just a bonfire? What if it was also the opening of the portal you’ve been searching for?”

Grayson’s jaw dropped. “Of course! What better place to hide a portal than where no one