A Fall from Grace by Maggie Ford (books to read for self improvement TXT) 📕

we are able to marry, I don’t want kids the second we’re spliced. I told you before, Maddie. I need to enjoy a decent social life first, you and me together.’

But she could still hear those earlier words of his ringing in her head if it comes, almost like a threatened death knell to their relationship. She needed to confirm that she had misinterpreted them. All she could think to ask was, ‘What if he did divorce me?’

‘Then we’d be married, darling.’

Mellowing, he moved back to the bed and stood gazing tenderly down at her. Her rapidly beating heart slowed a little. In a moment he would take her in his arms. It was going to be all right.

‘Though I rather doubt he will,’ he continued. ‘He dotes on you.’

‘I can’t see what else he could do,’ she whispered.

‘All I know is, I couldn’t bring myself to cause him such hurt and misery,’ he answered in a flat tone. ‘And I don’t think you’d want to either. So as far as I can see, your only course is for him not to know at all by doing something about your condition, and very soon.’

The rapid heartbeats returned with a heavy thump. ‘Tony – I can’t! I couldn’t bear to do such a wicked thing.’

‘You’ve got to.’

‘Please, darling… It could be so dangerous.’

‘If you don’t I can’t see any future for us.’

His words stunned her. How could he turn off his love for her so easily, think so little of her feelings? All this time, had he just been making out he was crazy over her only so he could take from her that something he needed as a man rather than having to look for it from street whores? No, she was wrong – he wasn’t like that.

‘You can’t mean that?’ she cried, throwing herself against him as he stood there. She felt him sink on the bed beside her, his bare body almost wrapping itself about her, warm and comforting.

‘Darling, of course not, but for both our sakes, and for his, you can’t have this baby. You must know that.’

She was silent, seeing the sense of it. He was right. She couldn’t have it and cause James such pain. In truth she didn’t want it; had thought she had, but all sorts of complications, James’s hurt, his confusion, disillusionment – he certainly didn’t deserve it. And Anthony, wanting no baby hanging around, understandably looking to enjoy a free, exciting social life with her and no strings attached. Maybe later, much later – she needed to settle for that. But thoughts of abortion – a dangerous business, what if she were to die?

Another solution had presented itself. If she went away until the baby was born as she had last time, the child quickly adopted, no one would need to know; James would be none the wiser, saved all that hurt, and she and Anthony could pick up their lives together as if nothing had changed.

She almost suggested it to Anthony but she knew what he would say: ‘Six months – far too long to be away and what excuse would you make?’ She recalled how long it had seemed to her that last time, there all on her own, at the mercy of inconsiderate nurses. This time, not at her father’s unkind will, she’d make sure of a top quality nursing home with good food and superb care, but it would still feel interminable.

‘You could visit me,’ she said hopefully. ‘No one will know.’

‘Maddie, you’re not thinking straight. Why not just get rid of it and have done with it? Not only that, I can see you fretting in years to come, regretting and wanting me to trace it, like you persuaded James. No, I need you to do as I ask. I shall get the best doctors for you. You’ll have nothing to fear if that’s what’s worrying you. You’ll be as safe as houses.’

‘You have to give me time,’ she begged almost feebly, ‘time to think, to steel myself. It’s not an easy thing…’

‘I know. And I understand, my darling. But you mustn’t leave it too long until it’s too late to do anything. The longer we delay, the more danger—’ He caught himself and started again. ‘The more difficult it will be. Promise me, Maddie, you’re not intending to leave it until it’s too late to do anything.’

‘I promise,’ she said lamely and he became instantly brisk.

‘Right then, we’ll give it another couple of weeks so you can get used to the idea. Then I set about getting the ball rolling,’ he said, as if arranging a soirée. A momentary surge of anger consumed her. Get used to the ideal All very well for a man – he wouldn’t have to suffer the trauma of what she would, or thought she would, be expected to go through.

But he had clasped her to him, tenderly kissing her. ‘I know how hard this must be for you, darling. But the sooner it’s done the better for us both. You do understand, don’t you, sweetheart? It’s for the best.’

She nodded, strangely relieved as he moved away that he’d not tried to cement his loving concern for her further by extending that concern with anything more than a few kisses.

It was the bouts of morning sickness, so violent that dear innocent James had become concerned and spoke of their doctor taking a look at her, that helped her make up her mind that much quicker.

‘There’s nothing wrong with me,’ she protested almost too hastily. The doctor she’d consulted hadn’t been their family physician so she was safe there. ‘It’s only because I’m constantly worrying over you,’ she lied.

James had been so unwell throughout January that she was truly worried for him. How he had managed to hold his own against such depleting bronchitis, was amazing. He no longer went to his office, making it increasingly difficult to see Anthony. She would make up people she had to visit, knowing