The Wave by Kristen Crusoe (smallest ebook reader txt) 📕

‘Adam, come in please,’ she said, waving him towards a chair. She sat in its opposite, a small round table between them. A vase of white hydrangeas sat in the center of the table. She moved the vase, placing it carefully on her desk, behind the table and their chairs. Sitting back, she looked at him. He felt a spark, an arc like a welder’s fire, linking his world now and the next to come, after he heard her words.

‘Where is she?’ he asked, his hands clenched in his lap. ‘Where’s Clair?’

He felt her studying him, her expression changing from concern to curiosity. She cocked her head to one side, as though looking through her side vision, like a bird, scanning the ground for a worm.

‘I don’t understand your question, Adam. Do you mean where is she right now physically or are you asking where she is mentally? You know I can’t talk about her with you. Her trial visit is over, you are no longer her legal guardian, and I don’t have a current release of information.’

Adam was momentarily transported back to the early days of Clair’s commitment and institutionalization. The line between criminality and mental illness; the criminal justice system and medicine blurred. He had changed from being her victim, to her keeper. All of that had flowed away down the river of time, and like flotsam left behind, he was without purpose or movement. Until now. He felt purpose. Find Clair.

‘I mean, Jet, where the fuck is my wife? You went to her appointment with her and then she just disappeared. What happened?’

Jet leaned forward towards Adam. ‘She did receive a poor report, and said she needed time to process. She said she wanted to be alone. Why? What’s happened, Adam?’

‘I went to see her. One of the other residents said Clair had left in a taxi, carrying her large bag. The woman said she heard Clair tell the taxi driver to take her to the airport. I’ve been calling her cell but she won’t answer. I’m afraid for her, Jet. Did she say anything to you? Tell you where she was going?’

Jet stood up, walked to the window, looking out over the neighboring woods. A trio of deer were grazing in a clearing, next to the Life Flight Helipad. She turned to look at Adam.

‘She did not, Adam. I’ve never seen her so shut down. When she heard the report…’

Adam broke in. ‘What did Ellerby tell her?’

Jet sighed heavily, returning to her chair. ‘That her cancer had spread, to her lungs, liver, spine up along her cervical vertebrae. That was what was causing that pain she thought was just a tension headache or muscle spasm.’

Adam sat, stunned. ‘What else?’

Jet leaned forward. Her hands clasped in front of her, like a penitent. ‘That there were no further treatment options for her. She had maybe three to six months to live. He recommended hospice. Clair said no to that, that she would deal with her death in her own way. She left the cancer center, telling me not to worry, that she would be OK. That was the last I saw or heard from her. Adam, I am so sorry. I thought for sure she would call you, Ben, and Jodie.’

Adam dropped his head into his hands, his shoulders shaking with the effort not to cry. Unable to hold in his emotions, a guttural sound, like having the breath knocked out, escaped his mouth. Jet stood up, came beside him, laying a hand on his shoulder.

‘I have to find her, Jet. I can’t let her go through this alone, even if that is what she wants, or thinks she wants.’

‘I understand. But it is her choice, you know. She is of sound mind now, no longer considered mentally ill.’

‘Oh Christ, you know that’s the legal term. We both know the emotional reality is different. Look at all she’s gone through. Losing a child. Trying to kill me and herself, and then, just when there was a glimmer of hope, that she and I might find a way to create a life together without Devon, she learns she has this breast cancer, already spreading. And now, no more treatments? Yes, she may have free choice but her options are limited. How far can she go without becoming really ill? And where would she go? I’m all she has now. And she’s all I have.’

He broke down, openly sobbing, laying his head on his folded arms.

‘Adam, no, you are not alone. You know I’ll help, do what I can. And Clair’s brother and sister-in-law, they’ll help too, I’m sure.’

‘She’s so damn private. That’s the thing,’ Adam said, rubbing his eyes with his hands.

He accepted the box of tissues Jet handed him, standing up and walking around the small space, embarrassed now for his show of emotions. On stage was one thing, for real, in person, his own true self revealed, was not something he did, or hadn’t until now, until life with Clair and Devon had opened him up like an oyster, offering not pearls but tears. Tears of futility, shame, and deep sorrow at all that had been possible then, like a river flowing into an ocean, had been subsumed by the wide world of work, Devon’s therapy, Clair’s total absorption in Devon’s care and everything that went with that. They, the two of them, had never been an us, always it was Clair and Devon, and then Adam added on as an afterthought. At least, he had felt that way. Maybe all he had felt, experienced, imagined, was just that – a delusion fed by jealousy at their closeness. He had loved them both. And it wasn’t enough. He had lost Devon; he wouldn’t lose Clair. At least, not without an appeal.

‘I’m going to find her, Jet. Will you let me know if she contacts you first? Please?’

‘If she says yes, Adam. I won’t go against