Shattered: A Salvation Society Novel by Bella Emy (pdf to ebook reader .TXT) 📕

just in time to see him standing at the top of the steps with only a pair of gray sweatpants on. Why the fuck does he have to parade around here looking like a Greek god all the damn time? “Kalen…”

A small smile forms on his face, but I can tell he’s wondering what happened, why I got up so early.

He runs a hand through his dark, thick hair, taking slow steps to meet me. “You couldn’t sleep?”

“No. Not really.” I spin around. I can’t continue looking him in the eyes as he comes closer to me, asking me questions that I don’t have any real answers to. Tears began welling up in the corners of my eyes, but I can’t let him see me cry. I can’t. I need to hold my ground and be strong. I cannot let him know that since I woke up this morning, I’ve had nothing but thoughts of the past come crashing to the front of my mind, causing me to almost have a damn panic attack. I don’t know what’s going on right now, but I do know that I absolutely cannot go through the shit he put me through years ago all over again now.

I was fine. I was over Kalen Starling. At least, I thought I was. Now I don’t even know what I am anymore. Am I broken? Am I shattered? Am I torn because of everything we’ve been through? Or is this just a moment of insanity?

He finally reaches me, leaning against the banister of the ship. “I’m sorry to hear that. You fell asleep right away last night after the last time we… well… ugh… and so I thought you were comfy. I didn’t—”

“No, Kalen. It’s not that,” I intervene.

He turns his body to face me. “Lexi, you can talk to me… if this is about last night—”

“I can’t do this, Kalen!” I snap, finally completely facing him. It came out harsher than I intended it to, but I know now that I was wrong. Falling for him and letting my emotions take over did not make the past go away. It didn’t take the pain he caused me so many years before go away. If anything, I’m feeling it more now than ever before, standing here with him on the top deck of his ship with him in the middle of paradise.

The tears that had threatened to spill over are now fully falling down my cheeks, and I can’t stop them. I can’t. They’re flowing like a damn hurricane. Fuck. This is the last thing I wanted. I made a promise to myself so long ago that I would never let Kalen Starling see me cry, and now it doesn’t even matter anymore because that promise has been broken and shattered.

“Lexi, please don’t cry.” He moves closer to me and reaches his hand out to touch my cheek, and wipes away at my tears.

As soon as he does, I pull away. I can’t let him get to me anymore. This was all a big mistake, and I should never have agreed to go on this trip with him. Never. What made me think that this was a good idea in the first place? I should have stuck by my guns and kept to my word.

No, Kalen. I cannot go to dinner with you.

No, Kalen. I cannot go on a trip with you.

No, Kalen. I cannot go away with you to paradise, as you kiss me and make love to me into the wee hours of the morning, making me forget all my pain, making me lose all control, reveling in the feeling of all that you give me.

Why, why, why had I been so stupid? What in the world made me believe I would have been strong enough to do this with him, knowing that come the morning, it would all be over yet again?

Because that’s what happens now, right? He takes me back to the hotel, we go our separate ways, and I never see him again. We say good-bye once more, and my broken, shattered heart never really mends. But was there even a good-bye the first time around?

“Lexi,” he whispers, trying to reach me once more. “What is happening right now?”

I shake my head. “I can’t do this, Kalen. I can’t pretend that everything is all right. I can’t allow you to take me on trips out to sea, wining and dining me, introducing me to your friends, taking me out to dinner, taking me by the hand as we walk along the edge of the shore under a starlit sky… letting you kiss me and touch me, and making love to me throughout the night while a hard rain pours down all around us. I can’t do it. I can’t relive the past as we say good-bye one final time. The first time was hard enough… to have to do it all over again? I don’t think I’ll survive. I won’t. I know I won’t.” I pause, taking a deep breath. I have just revealed so much of my feelings to him, and now I can’t take those words back. “I can’t go through this again with you… or rather, go through it all over again, without you.”

I search his eyes, but I can’t say anything more. It’s all out on the table now.

“Lexi, please let me explain. When things ended—”

I shake my head. “There is nothing to explain, Kalen. You left. You took off right after I finally gave myself to you. And come to think of it, there was no good-bye. You just disappeared, causing my heart to disintegrate, leaving me empty. And I—”

He grabs my hand, now cutting me off. “Alexa! Alexa, listen to me! Let me tell you what I kept hidden from you all those years ago. You want to know why I left, why I disappeared? I’ll tell you why. I’ll tell you, dammit, because I love you and I never stopped loving you. But I