Not My Mother by Miranda Smith (lightweight ebook reader .txt) 📕

Amelia first,” she says. “She worked at a counseling center I went to. All I saw was this nice woman, so put-together, so helpful. After a while, she told me about her own struggles. She couldn’t get pregnant. Had tried a few times. She wanted a child more than anything, and I was searching for a family that would give you all the love and support I couldn’t. It seemed like it was meant to be. Amelia wanted to handle the adoption privately. I agreed. She was a counselor, after all. She’d helped countless young girls do this sort of thing over the years, or so I thought.”

“And then you had second thoughts?”

“I constantly had second thoughts. If I had made the decision with my heart, I’d never have let you go. You were always wanted. It was just the timing, and so soon after Cliff’s death, I knew I wasn’t ready. Not like Amelia was. And yet, there was this nagging feeling that I couldn’t let you go. Moving away without saying goodbye felt wrong. I went to the Parkers’ home in the hopes of seeing you one last time.”

She continues her story, echoing her letters. She talks about her friend Jamie and about the secret she’d shared with her all those years ago. And she tells me about the confrontation with Bruce, about the terror she felt in those moments.

Finally, I’ve heard the true story in her own words. It doesn’t make it any less shocking. I try to imagine my mother when she was younger, in the few pictures I’ve seen. I try to see her scrambling through the Parkers’ house, strapping a crying baby into the car and driving away—where to, still a mystery.

“What did you do after you left with me?”

“I reached out to Jamie and told her everything. She helped me get out of New Hutton. I still didn’t know what to do. To be honest, the fact I was going to be your mother didn’t sink in until weeks later. All I wanted was to protect you. I guess it’s one and the same when you think about it, really.”

“Why didn’t you tell the police about Bruce? About what he’d done to your friend?”

“He was dead! I thought I might have a shot at self-defense, but I was afraid coming forward would risk losing you. The story was in the media overnight. People talking about this missing baby and this murdered father, this grieving widow who was determined to find her child. Everyone was searching for the deranged madwoman Sarah Paxton. No one mentioned an adoption. Amelia knew what happened, but it seemed we were the only two. It was her word against mine, and I wasn’t convinced anyone would believe me.”

“That’s why we stayed hidden?”

“We stayed in hotels the first year, mostly. It was a stressful time. Not only was I juggling a newborn, but I was also afraid every night I’d get a knock on the door. That the police would find me, take you away. Lord knows the case was in the news enough. I’m sure the Parkers’ money helped with that. But people never asked any questions. They just saw a young mother and her child. If they thought we were running from anyone, they probably assumed it was some custody nonsense. No one ever suspected anything, and I didn’t stick around one place long enough to give them the chance.

“It took some time, but Jamie was able to provide us with everything we’d need to start over. A driver’s license, birth certificates, social security cards. Her family had connections for that sort of thing, and they didn’t much care about asking questions. You had just turned two when we came here. I didn’t plan on staying, of course. I’d been living on what little money Jamie could give me and the jobs I could get in between moves. I thought North Bay would be a nice place to stay for the summer. Of course, that’s when I met Des, and the rest is history.”

“You never told her the truth?”

“She never asked. I could tell she liked me, and she was smitten with you. A few weeks turned into a few months, then that turned into years. Before I realized it, this place was home, and I didn’t worry as much about the police finding us. There were a few close calls, but nothing ever came of it.”

“That’s why you never wanted to let me go anywhere. You never let me out of your sight.”

“It’s not that I didn’t want you to have those experiences. Every time you would come to me with that eager smile and I had to tell you no, it killed me inside, but I was doing what was best for us. Best for you. I knew Amelia would never stop looking.”

“Is that why you were so happy when I turned eighteen? You knew there was no chance I could be taken away?”

“That was a big part of it, yes. Before you were born, my only concern was giving you the best life possible. After my confrontation with the Parkers, I realized my priority was to keep you safe. I tried to provide what I could, of course. But nothing was more important than keeping you out of harm’s way.” She pauses, averts eye contact. “I hope you know I tried my best, and I’m sorry for everything else.”

Yes, I deserved the truth. Yes, I’m an adult in search of answers. But I’m also a mother. I understand the overwhelming need to keep your child safe, even if that goes against their best interests at times. It’s an irrational compulsion rooted in rationalism. Is there anything I wouldn’t do for Ava? Even if it meant she might be angry with me later?

“Your friend. Jamie. Do you still talk to her?”

“She was instrumental during those early years. We would have never made it a month without her help. Once we were settled in North Bay, we