Ragged Trousered Philanthropists by Robert Tressell (fiction novels to read .txt) 📕

face, and then Philpot had to turn him upside down and punch him in

the back to save him from choking to death. This rather sobered the

others, but for some time afterwards whenever they looked at each

other they began to laugh afresh because they thought it was such a

good joke.

When they had filled themselves up with the `cocoa-tea’ and cakes and

bread and jam, Elsie Linden and Nellie Newman helped to clear away the

cups and saucers, and then Owen lit the candles on the Christmas tree

and distributed the toys to the children, and a little while

afterwards Philpot - who had got a funny-looking mask out of one of

the bon-bons - started a fine game pretending to be a dreadful wild

animal which he called a Pandroculus, and crawling about on all fours,

rolled his goggle eyes and growled out he must have a little boy or

girl to eat for his supper.

He looked so terrible that although they knew it was only a joke they

were almost afraid of him, and ran away laughing and screaming to

shelter themselves behind Nora or Owen; but all the same, whenever

Philpot left off playing, they entreated him to `be it again’, and so

he had to keep on being a Pandroculus, until exhaustion compelled him

to return to his natural form.

After this they all sat round the table and had a game of cards;

`Snap’, they called it, but nobody paid much attention to the rules of

the game: everyone seemed to think that the principal thing to do was

to kick up as much row as possible. After a while Philpot suggested a

change to `Beggar my neighbour’, and won quite a lot of cards before

they found out that he had hidden all the jacks in the pocket of his

coat, and then they mobbed him for a cheat. He might have been

seriously injured if it had not been for Bert, who created a diversion

by standing on a chair and announcing that he was about to introduce

to their notice `Bert White’s World-famed Pandorama’ as exhibited

before all the nobility and crowned heads of Europe, England, Ireland

and Scotland, including North America and Wales.

Loud cheers greeted the conclusion of Bert’s speech. The box was

placed on the table, which was then moved to the end of the room, and

the chairs were ranged in two rows in front.

The `Pandorama’ consisted of a stage-front made of painted cardboard

and fixed on the front of a wooden box about three feet long by two

feet six inches high, and about one foot deep from back to front. The

`Show’ was a lot of pictures cut out of illustrated weekly papers and

pasted together, end to end, so as to form a long strip or ribbon.

Bert had coloured all the pictures with watercolours.

Just behind the wings of the stage-front at each end of the box - was

an upright roller, and the long strip of pictures was rolled up on

this. The upper ends of the rollers came through the top of the box

and had handles attached to them. When these handles were turned the

pictures passed across the stage, unrolling from one roller and

rolling on to the other, and were illuminated by the light of three

candles placed behind.

The idea of constructing this machine had been suggested to Bert by a

panorama entertainment he had been to see some time before.

`The Style of the decorations,’ he remarked, alluding to the painted

stage-front, ‘is Moorish.’

He lit the candles at the back of the stage and, having borrowed a

tea-tray from Nora, desired the audience to take their seats. When

they had all done so, he requested Owen to put out the lamp and the

candles on the tree, and then he made another speech, imitating the

manner of the lecturer at the panorama entertainment before mentioned.

`Ladies and Gentlemen: with your kind permission I am about to

hinterduce to your notice some pitchers of events in different parts

of the world. As each pitcher appears on the stage I will give a

short explanation of the subject, and afterwards the band will play a

suitable collection of appropriated music, consisting of hymns and all

the latest and most popular songs of the day, and the audience is

kindly requested to join in the chorus.

`Our first scene,’ continued Bert as he turned the handles and brought

the picture into view, `represents the docks at Southampton; the

magnificent steamer which you see lying alongside the shore is the

ship which is waiting to take us to foreign parts. As we have already

paid our fare, we will now go on board and set sail.’

As an accompaniment to this picture Bert played the tune of `Goodbye,

Dolly, I must leave you’, and by the time the audience had finished

singing the chorus he had rolled on another scene, which depicted a

dreadful storm at sea, with a large ship evidently on the point of

foundering. The waves were running mountains high and the inky clouds

were riven by forked lightning. To increase the terrifying effect,

Bert rattled the tea tray and played `The Bay of Biscay’, and the

children sung the chorus whilst he rolled the next picture into view.

This scene showed the streets of a large city; mounted police with

drawn swords were dispersing a crowd: several men had been ridden down

and were being trampled under the hoofs of the horses, and a number of

others were bleeding profusely from wounds on the head and face.

`After a rather stormy passage we arrives safely at the beautiful city

of Berlin, in Germany, just in time to see a procession of unemployed

workmen being charged by the military police. This picture is

hintitled “Tariff Reform means Work for All”.’

As an appropriate musical selection Bert played the tune of a

well-known song, and the children sang the words:

`To be there! to be there!

Oh, I knew what it was to be there!

And when they tore me clothes,

Blacked me eyes and broke me nose,

Then I knew what it was to be there!’

During the singing Bert turned the handles backwards and again brought

on the picture of the storm at sea.

`As we don’t want to get knocked on the ‘ed, we clears out of Berlin

as soon as we can - whiles we’re safe - and once more embarks on our

gallint ship’ and after a few more turns of the ‘andle we finds

ourselves back once more in Merry Hingland, where we see the inside of

a blacksmith’s shop with a lot of half-starved women making iron

chains. They work seventy hours a week for seven shillings. Our next

scene is hintitled “The Hook and Eye Carders”. ‘Ere we see the inside

of a room in Slumtown, with a mother and three children and the old

grandmother sewin’ hooks and eyes on cards to be sold in drapers’

shops. It ses underneath the pitcher that 384 hooks and 384 eyes has

to be joined together and sewed on cards for one penny.’

While this picture was being rolled away the band played and the

children sang with great enthusiasm:

`Rule, Brittania, Brittania rules the waves!

Britons, never, never, never shall be slaves!’

`Our next picture is called “An Englishman’s Home”. ‘Ere we see the

inside of another room in Slumtown, with the father and mother and

four children sitting down to dinner - bread and drippin’ and tea. It

ses underneath the pitcher that there’s Thirteen millions of people in

England always on the verge of starvation. These people that you see

in the pitcher might be able to get a better dinner than this if it

wasn’t that most of the money wot the bloke earns ‘as to pay the rent.

Again we turns the ‘andle and presently we comes to another very

beautiful scene - “Early Morning in Trafalgar Square”. ‘Ere we see a

lot of Englishmen who have been sleepin’ out all night because they

ain’t got no ‘omes to go to.’

As a suitable selection for this picture, Bert played the tune of a

music-hall song, the words of which were familiar to all the

youngsters, who sang at the top of their voices:

`I live in Trafalgar Square,

With four lions to guard me,

Pictures and statues all over the place,

Lord Nelson staring me straight in the face,

Of course it’s rather draughty,

But still I’m sure you’ll agree,

If it’s good enough for Lord Nelson,

It’s quite good enough for me.’

`Next we ‘ave a view of the dining-hall at the Topside Hotel in

London, where we see the tables set for a millionaires’ banquet. The

forks and spoons is made of solid gold and the plates is made of

silver. The flowers that you see on the tables and ‘angin’ down from

the ceilin’ and on the walls is worth �2,000 and it cost the bloke wot

give the supper over �30,000 for this one beano. A few more turns of

the ‘andle shows us another glorious banquet - the King of Rhineland

being entertained by the people of England. Next we finds ourselves

looking on at the Lord Mayor’s supper at the Mansion House. All the

fat men that you see sittin’ at the tables is Liberal and Tory Members

of Parlimint. After this we ‘ave a very beautiful pitcher hintitled

“Four footed Haristocrats”. ‘Ere you see Lady Slumrent’s pet dogs

sittin’ up on chairs at their dinner table with white linen napkins

tied round their necks, eatin’ orf silver plates like human people and

being waited on by real live waiters in hevening dress. Lady Slumrent

is very fond of her pretty pets and she does not allow them to be fed

on anything but the very best food; they gets chicken, rump steak,

mutton chops, rice pudding, jelly and custard.’

`I wished I was a pet dog, don’t you?’ remarked Tommy Newman to

Charley Linden.

`Not arf!’ replied Charley.

`Here we see another unemployed procession,’ continued Bert as he

rolled another picture into sight; `2,000 able-bodied men who are not

allowed to work. Next we see the hinterior of a Hindustrial ‘Ome -

Blind children and cripples working for their living. Our next scene

is called “Cheap Labour”. ‘Ere we see a lot of small boys about

twelve and thirteen years old bein’ served out with their Labour

Stifficats, which gives ‘em the right to go to work and earn money to

help their unemployed fathers to pay the slum rent.

`Once more we turns the ‘andle and brings on one of our finest scenes.

This lovely pitcher is hintitled “The Hangel of Charity”, and shows us

the beautiful Lady Slumrent seated at the table in a cosy corner of

‘er charmin’ boodore, writin’ out a little cheque for the relief of

the poor of Slumtown.

`Our next scene is called “The Rival Candidates, or, a Scene during

the General Election”. On the left you will observe, standin’ up in a

motor car, a swell bloke with a eyeglass stuck in one eye, and a

overcoat with a big fur collar and cuffs, addressing the crowd: this

is the Honourable Augustus Slumrent, the Conservative candidate. On

the other side of the road we see another motor car and another swell

bloke with a round pane of glass in one eye and a overcoat with a big

fur collar and cuffs, standing up in the car and addressin’ the crowd.

This is Mr Mandriver, the Liberal candidate. The crowds of shabby-lookin’ chaps standin’ round the motor cars wavin’ their ‘ats and

cheerin’