The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman by Laurence Sterne (pdf e book reader txt) 📕

of;⁠—and take my word, dear Toby, they will in the end quite ruin your fortune, and make a beggar of you.⁠—What signifies it if they do, brother, replied my uncle Toby, so long as we know ’tis for the good of the nation?⁠⸺⁠

My father could not help smiling for his soul⁠—his anger at the worst was never more than a spark;⁠—and the zeal and simplicity of Trim⁠—and the generous (though hobbyhorsical) gallantry of my uncle Toby, brought him into perfect good humour with them in an instant.

Generous souls!⁠—God prosper you both, and your mortar-pieces too! quoth my father to himself.

XXIII

All is quiet and hush, cried my father, at least above stairs⁠—I hear not one foot stirring.⁠—Prithee, Trim, who’s in the kitchen? There is no one soul in the kitchen, answered Trim, making a low bow as he spoke, except Dr. Slop.⁠—Confusion! cried my father (getting up upon his legs a second time)⁠—not one single thing was gone right this day! had I faith in astrology, brother (which, by the by, my father had), I would have sworn some retrograde planet was hanging over this unfortunate house of mine, and turning every individual thing in it out of its place.⁠⸺⁠Why, I thought Dr. Slop had been above stairs with my wife, and so said you.⁠⸺⁠What can the fellow be puzzling about in the kitchen!⁠—He is busy, an’ please your honour, replied Trim, in making a bridge.⁠⸺’Tis very obliging in him, quoth my uncle Toby:⁠⸻pray, give my humble service to Dr. Slop, Trim, and tell him I thank him heartily.

You must know, my uncle Toby mistook the bridge⁠—as widely as my father mistook the mortars;⁠⸺⁠but to understand how my uncle Toby could mistake the bridge⁠—I fear I must give you an exact account of the road which led to it;⁠—or to drop my metaphor (for there is nothing more dishonest in an historian than the use of one)⁠⸺⁠in order to conceive the probability of this error in my uncle Toby aright, I must give you some account of an adventure of Trim’s, though much against my will, I say much against my will, only because the story, in one sense, is certainly out of its place here; for by right it should come in, either amongst the anecdotes of my uncle Toby’s amours with widow Wadman, in which corporal Trim was no mean actor⁠—or else in the middle of his and my uncle Toby’s campaigns on the bowling-green⁠—for it will do very well in either place;⁠—but then if I reserve it for either of those parts of my story⁠⸺⁠I ruin the story I’m upon;⁠⸺⁠and if I tell it here⁠—I anticipate matters, and ruin it there.

—What would your worships have me to do in this case?

—Tell it, Mr. Shandy, by all means.⁠—You are a fool, Tristram, if you do.

O ye powers! (for powers ye are, and great ones too)⁠—which enable mortal man to tell a story worth the hearing⁠⸻that kindly show him, where he is to begin it⁠—and where he is to end it⁠⸺⁠what he is to put into it⁠⸺⁠and what he is to leave out⁠—how much of it he is to cast into a shade⁠—and whereabouts he is to throw his light!⁠—Ye, who preside over this vast empire of biographical freebooters, and see how many scrapes and plunges your subjects hourly fall into;⁠⸺⁠will you do one thing?

I beg and beseech you (in case you will do nothing better for us) that wherever in any part of your dominions it so falls out, that three several roads meet in one point, as they have done just here⁠⸺⁠that at least you set up a guidepost in the centre of them, in mere charity, to direct an uncertain devil which of the three he is to take.

XXIV

Tho’ the shock my uncle Toby received the year after the demolition of Dunkirk, in his affair with widow Wadman, had fixed him in a resolution never more to think of the sex⁠—or of aught which belonged to it;⁠—yet corporal Trim had made no such bargain with himself. Indeed in my uncle Toby’s case there was a strange and unaccountable concurrence of circumstances, which insensibly drew him in, to lay siege to that fair and strong citadel.⁠⸺⁠In Trim’s case there was a concurrence of nothing in the world, but of him and Bridget in the kitchen;⁠—though in truth, the love and veneration he bore his master was such, and so fond was he of imitating him in all he did, that had my uncle Toby employed his time and genius in tagging of points⁠⸺⁠I am persuaded the honest corporal would have laid down his arms, and followed his example with pleasure. When therefore my uncle Toby sat down before the mistress⁠—corporal Trim incontinently took ground before the maid.

Now, my dear friend Garrick, whom I have so much cause to esteem and honour⁠—(why, or wherefore, ’tis no matter)⁠—can it escape your penetration⁠—I defy it⁠—that so many playwrights, and opificers of chitchat have ever since been working upon Trim’s and my uncle Toby’s pattern.⁠⸺⁠I care not what Aristotle, or Pacuvius, or Bossu, or Ricaboni say⁠—(though I never read one of them)⁠⸺⁠there is not a greater difference between a single-horse chair and madam Pompadour’s vis-à-vis; than betwixt a single amour, and an amour thus nobly doubled, and going upon all four, prancing throughout a grand drama⁠⸺⁠Sir, a simple, single, silly affair of that kind⁠—is quite lost in five acts;⁠—but that is neither here nor there.

After a series of attacks and repulses in a course of nine months on my uncle Toby’s quarter, a most minute account of every particular of which shall be given in its proper place, my uncle Toby, honest man! found it necessary to draw off his forces and raise the siege somewhat indignantly.

Corporal Trim, as I said, had made no such bargain either with himself⁠⸺⁠or with anyone else⁠⸺⁠the fidelity however of his heart not suffering him to go into a house which his master had forsaken with disgust⁠⸺⁠he contented himself with turning his part of the siege into a blockade;⁠—that is, he kept others off;⁠—for though he never