The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman by Laurence Sterne (pdf e book reader txt) š
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The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman, a fictional autobiography of the eponymous narrator, containsāperhaps surprisinglyālittle about either his life or opinions, but what it does have is a meandering journey through the adventures of his close family and their associates. The book is famous for being more about the explanatory diversions and rabbit-holes that the narrator takes us down than the actual happenings he set out to describe, but in doing so he paints a vivid picture of the players and their personal stories.
Published two volumes at a time over the course of eight years, Tristram Shandy was an immediate commercial success although not without some confusion among critics. Sterneās exploration of form that pushed at the contemporary limits of what could be called a novel has been hugely influential, garnering admirers as varied as Marx, Schopenhauer, Joyce, Woolf and Rushdie. The book has been translated into many other languages and adapted for the stage, radio, and film.
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- Author: Laurence Sterne
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āāTwas shaped, Sir, like an ace of clubs.
āāTis a full inch, continued my grandfather, pressing up the ridge of his nose with his finger and thumb; and repeating his assertionā āøŗātis a full inch longer, madam, than my fatherāsā āøŗā You must mean your uncleās, replied my great-grandmother.
āø»My great-grandfather was convinced.ā āHe untwisted the paper, and signed the article.
XXXIIIāøŗā What an unconscionable jointure, my dear, do we pay out of this small estate of ours, quoth my grandmother to my grandfather.
My father, replied my grandfather, had no more nose, my dear, saving the mark, than there is upon the back of my hand.
āNow, you must know, that my great-grandmother outlived my grandfather twelve years; so that my father had the jointure to pay, a hundred and fifty pounds half-yearlyā ā(on Michaelmas and Lady-day),ā āduring all that time.
No man discharged pecuniary obligations with a better grace than my father.ā āø»And as far as a hundred pounds went, he would fling it upon the table, guinea by guinea, with that spirited jerk of an honest welcome, which generous souls, and generous souls only, are able to fling down money: but as soon as ever he enterād upon the odd fiftyā āhe generally gave a loud Hem! rubbād the side of his nose leisurely with the flat part of his fore fingerā āøŗā inserted his hand cautiously betwixt his head and the cawl of his wigā ālookād at both sides of every guinea as he parted with itā āøŗā and seldom could get to the end of the fifty pounds, without pulling out his handkerchief, and wiping his temples.
Defend me, gracious Heaven! from those persecuting spirits who make no allowances for these workings within us.ā āNeverā āO never may I lay down in their tents, who cannot relax the engine, and feel pity for the force of education, and the prevalence of opinions long derived from ancestors!
For three generations at least this tenet in favour of long noses had gradually been taking root in our family.ā āø»Tradition was all along on its side, and Interest was every half-year stepping in to strengthen it; so that the whimsicality of my fatherās brain was far from having the whole honour of this, as it had of almost all his other strange notions.ā āFor in a great measure he might be said to have suckād this in with his motherās milk. He did his part however.ā āøŗā If education planted the mistake (in case it was one) my father watered it, and ripened it to perfection.
He would often declare, in speaking his thoughts upon the subject, that he did not conceive how the greatest family in England could stand it out against an uninterrupted succession of six or seven short noses.ā āAnd for the contrary reason, he would generally add, That it must be one of the greatest problems in civil life, where the same number of long and jolly noses, following one another in a direct line, did not raise and hoist it up into the best vacancies in the kingdom.ā āø»He would often boast that the Shandy family rankād very high in King Harry the VIIIās time, but owed its rise to no state engineā āhe would sayā ābut to that only;ā āøŗā but that, like other families, he would addā āøŗā it had felt the turn of the wheel, and had never recovered the blow of my great-grandfatherās nose.ā āøŗā It was an ace of clubs indeed, he would cry, shaking his headā āand as vile a one for an unfortunate family as ever turnād up trumps.
āø»Fair and softly, gentle reader!ā āø»where is thy fancy carrying thee?ā āøŗā If there is truth in man, by my great-grandfatherās nose, I mean the external organ of smelling, or that part of man which stands prominent in his faceā āøŗā and which painters say, in good jolly noses and well-proportioned faces, should comprehend a full thirdā āøŗā that is, measured downwards from the setting on of the hair.ā āøŗā
āøŗā What a life of it has an author, at this pass!
XXXIVIt is a singular blessing, that nature has formād the mind of man with the same happy backwardness and renitency against conviction, which is observed in old dogsā āāof not learning new tricks.ā
What a shuttlecock of a fellow would the greatest philosopher that ever existed be whiskād into at once, did he read such books, and observe such facts, and think such thoughts, as would eternally be making him change sides!
Now, my father, as I told you last year, detested all thisā āHe pickād up an opinion, Sir, as a man in a state of nature picks up an apple.ā āIt becomes his ownā āand if he is a man of spirit, he would lose his life rather than give it up.
I am aware that Didius, the great civilian, will contest this point; and cry out against me, Whence comes this manās right to this apple? ex confesso, he will sayā āthings were in a state of natureā āThe apple, as much Frankās apple as Johnās. Pray, Mr. Shandy, what patent has he to show for it? and how did it begin to be his? was it, when he set his heart upon it? or when he gathered it? or when he chewād it? or when he roasted it? or when he peelād, or when he brought it home? or when he digested?ā āor when heā āøŗ?ā āøŗā For ātis plain, Sir, if the first picking up of the apple, made it not hisā āthat no subsequent act could.
Brother Didius, Tribonius will answerā ā(now Tribonius the civilian and church lawyerās beard being three inches and a half and three eighths longer than Didius his beardā āIām glad he takes up the cudgels for me, so I give myself no farther trouble about the answer).ā āBrother Didius, Tribonius will say, it is a decreed case, as you may find it in the fragments of Gregorius and Hermoginesās codes, and in all the codes from Justinianās down to the codes of Louis and Des Eauxā āThat the sweat of a manās brows, and the exsudations of a manās brains, are as much a manās own property as the breeches upon his backside;ā āwhich said
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