The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman by Laurence Sterne (pdf e book reader txt) 📕

exsudations, etc., being dropp’d upon the said apple by the labour of finding it, and picking it up; and being moreover indissolubly wasted, and as indissolubly annex’d, by the picker up, to the thing pick’d up, carried home, roasted, peel’d, eaten, digested, and so on;⁠⸺’tis evident that the gatherer of the apple, in so doing, has mix’d up something which was his own, with the apple which was not his own, by which means he has acquired a property;⁠—or, in other words, the apple is John’s apple.

By the same learned chain of reasoning my father stood up for all his opinions; he had spared no pains in picking them up, and the more they lay out of the common way, the better still was his title.⁠⸺⁠No mortal claimed them; they had cost him moreover as much labour in cooking and digesting as in the case above, so that they might well and truly be said to be of his own goods and chattles.⁠—Accordingly he held fast by ’em, both by teeth and claws⁠—would fly to whatever he could lay his hands on⁠—and, in a word, would intrench and fortify them round with as many circumvallations and breastworks, as my uncle Toby would a citadel.

There was one plaguy rub in the way of this⁠⸺⁠the scarcity of materials to make anything of a defence with, in case of a smart attack; inasmuch as few men of great genius had exercised their parts in writing books upon the subject of great noses: by the trotting of my lean horse, the thing is incredible! and I am quite lost in my understanding, when I am considering what a treasure of precious time and talents together has been wasted upon worse subjects⁠—and how many millions of books in all languages, and in all possible types and bindings, have been fabricated upon points not half so much tending to the unity and peace-making of the world. What was to be had, however, he set the greater store by; and though my father would ofttimes sport with my uncle Toby’s library⁠—which, by the by, was ridiculous enough⁠—yet at the very same time he did it, he collected every book and treatise which had been systematically wrote upon noses, with as much care as my honest uncle Toby had done those upon military architecture.⁠⸺’Tis true, a much less table would have held them⁠—but that was not thy transgression, my dear uncle.⁠—

Here⁠⸺⁠but why here⁠⸺⁠rather than in any other part of my story⁠⸺⁠I am not able to tell:⁠⸻but here it is⁠⸻my heart stops me to pay to thee, my dear uncle Toby, once for all, the tribute I owe thy goodness.⁠⸺⁠Here let me thrust my chair aside, and kneel down upon the ground, whilst I am pouring forth the warmest sentiment of love for thee, and veneration for the excellency of thy character, that ever virtue and nature kindled in a nephew’s bosom.⁠⸺⁠Peace and comfort rest for evermore upon thy head!⁠—Thou enviedst no man’s comforts⁠⸺⁠insultedst no man’s opinions⁠⸺⁠Thou blackenedst no man’s character⁠—devouredst no man’s bread: gently, with faithful Trim behind thee, didst thou amble round the little circle of thy pleasures, jostling no creature in thy way:⁠—for each one’s sorrow thou hadst a tear,⁠—for each man’s need, thou hadst a shilling.

Whilst I am worth one, to pay a weeder⁠—thy path from thy door to thy bowling-green shall never be grown up.⁠⸺⁠Whilst there is a rood and a half of land in the Shandy family, thy fortifications, my dear uncle Toby, shall never be demolish’d.

XXXV

My father’s collection was not great, but to make amends, it was curious; and consequently he was some time in making it; he had the great good fortune however, to set off well, in getting Bruscambille’s prologue upon long noses, almost for nothing⁠—for he gave no more for Bruscambille than three half-crowns; owing indeed to the strong fancy which the stall-man saw my father had for the book the moment he laid his hands upon it.⁠⸺⁠There are not three Bruscambilles in Christendom⁠—said the stall-man, except what are chain’d up in the libraries of the curious. My father flung down the money as quick as lightning⁠⸺⁠took Bruscambille into his bosom⁠⸺⁠hied home from Piccadilly to Coleman-street with it, as he would have hied home with a treasure, without taking his hand once off from Bruscambille all the way.

To those who do not yet know of which gender Bruscambille is⁠⸻inasmuch as a prologue upon long noses might easily be done by either⁠⸻’twill be no objection against the simile⁠—to say, That when my father got home, he solaced himself with Bruscambille after the manner in which, ’tis ten to one, your worship solaced yourself with your first mistress⁠⸻that is, from morning even unto night: which, by the by, how delightful soever it may prove to the inamorato⁠—is of little or no entertainment at all to bystanders.⁠⸺⁠Take notice, I go no farther with the simile⁠—my father’s eye was greater than his appetite⁠—his zeal greater than his knowledge⁠—he cool’d⁠—his affections became divided⁠⸺⁠he got hold of Prignitz⁠—purchased Scroderus, Andrea Paræus, Bouchet’s Evening Conferences, and above all, the great and learned Hafen Slawkenbergius; of which, as I shall have much to say by and by⁠—I will say nothing now.

XXXVI

Of all the tracts my father was at the pains to procure and study in support of his hypothesis, there was not any one wherein he felt a more cruel disappointment at first, than in the celebrated dialogue between Pamphagus and Cocles, written by the chaste pen of the great and venerable Erasmus, upon the various uses and seasonable applications of long noses.⁠⸻Now don’t let Satan, my dear girl, in this chapter, take advantage of any one spot of rising ground to get astride of your imagination, if you can any ways help it; or if he is so nimble as to slip on⁠—let me beg of you, like an unback’d filly, to frisk it, to squirt it, to jump it, to rear it, to bound it⁠—and to kick it, with long kicks