Life Is Not a Stage by Florence Henderson (big screen ebook reader .TXT) 📕

To borrow from a famous Bill Cosby quote, the decision to do The Brady Bunch Variety Hour was like Napoleon’s ill-fated decision to invade Russia: “It seemed like a good idea at the time.” In that window of time between the two shows, we had made a group appearance on the Emmy broadcast, and the place went wild. The real catalyst was when producers Sid and Marty Krofft invited the Brady Bunch ensemble to appear on their very popular Donny and Marie variety show. The ratings went through the roof. The programmers at ABC put two and two together and asked the Kroffts to put together a Brady variety show cloning the Donny and Marie formula onto the Brady factor. So, for example, the Osmonds had a real ice rink on their set as a signature piece for their show. After all, they were from Utah. For the Bradys of Southern California, the Kroffts built a swimming pool.

When I heard the idea, my mind went in two different directions. The realist reminded me that some of the kids were not musical at all and wondered how we could possibly pull that off. But the part of me that is a musical performer was excited about the challenge. And that it was. Remember, I am the pathological type to whom you should never say, “I dare you to…”

There was also some comfort level dealing with some of the obvious shortcomings because of the caliber of talent Sid and Marty had assembled. For starters, Rip Taylor as a regular comedic foil and Bruce Vilanch as the head writer were sure to keep things pretty loose and outrageous. Joe Cassini was a wonderful choreographer. Of course, Pete Menefee’s spectacular costume designs and the campy über-’70s feel of the show probably drive all those aforementioned YouTube hits. The gowns I wore were fabulous. The coordinated wardrobe of reds, oranges, and other bright rainbow colors seemed to literally scream off the screen, although I have to admit that Bob’s big red bow ties looked pretty outrageous then as they do today. When I asked my conductor Glen Roven why he thought that the cult following for the show is particularly strong among the gay community, he didn’t hesitate. “All those feather boas, of course!”

My strongest impression looking back on that time was how it was such hard work. To get anything halfway right, the only way is rehearsing over and over again. Among the kids, Barry was very musical and caught on quickly. Geri Reischl, who replaced Eve, was selected for her musicality. Mike Lookinland was pretty good as well. Chris Knight would be the first to admit that he couldn’t sing a note and couldn’t dance. Variety wasn’t Susan’s strong suit. Bob was not a natural song-and-dance man, but he cast himself enthusiastically into it and gave it his best shot.

Maureen McCormick had good musical talent, but this was during her drug phase. On any given day, we never knew when she was going to show up. Thank God, she got help and reclaimed her life. Not long after the show went off the air, I took her to lunch. “Tear up your address book,” I remember telling her. “These people use you and you use them.” She took the advice. She has been happily married for a long time and has a child. We still talk on the phone every once in a while. It is important to me to maintain the bond, and fortunately, my good relationship with all of the kids has endured through the decades.

In Love to Love You Bradys, the book dedicated to “the bizarre story of The Brady Bunch Variety Hour,” Chris went on record saying that “the idiocy and incompetence of all the people around [Florence] is like working with remedial talent. It’s like a school production.” Susan summed it up best: “Florence would have been into it, but we were all taking a dump in her church. She’s the one with the experience in this field and she’s got to lug our sorry asses along with her.”

Just like double-knit spandex jumpsuits will only stretch so much, the show could not overcome the obstacles despite the best intentions of most who were involved. All the beautiful Krofftettes and Water Follies girls couldn’t do it. Guest stars like Tina Turner, Vincent Price, Milton Berle, Redd Foxx, Farrah Fawcett and Lee Majors, Donny and Marie, Tony Randall, and many others didn’t help jump-start the ratings. After nine episodes, the show was put out of its misery. Viewers may have been turned off to The Brady Bunch Variety Hour, but it had little diminishing impact on the franchise. There would be more Brady sequels to come and rediscovery by the next generations thanks to the nonstop worldwide syndication of the original series. It’s also a DVD best seller.

Since learning how to better handle work-related disappointment when I didn’t get the part in the film version of Oklahoma! I didn’t dawdle long thinking about the cancellation. I thankfully had plenty of other activities to pursue. It’s good to push the pause button only so long to digest the lessons from the experience and use it to maintain that healthy sense of humility. But otherwise, you’ve got to keep fresh. Put on your Teflon armor. If you’re going to stay in the business, you have to keep putting your energy forward. Energy begets energy.

During the mid-1970s through early 1980s, I was like a jack-in-the-box. You never knew when and where I would pop up. There were still lots of outlets on variety television shows. That versatility of being able to both sing and act that proved to be such an asset from the beginning at the American Academy, combined with that galloping horse work ethic and the Carol Brady factor, kept the phones ringing with offers.

Perhaps the most fun I had during this time period was being a semiregular on The Hollywood Squares. What went on