Don't Look Behind You (Don't Look Series Book 1) by Emily Kazmierski (ereader iphone txt) 📕

him in silence. Tilting my head back, I find a couple of the constellations he pointed out to me that night in the orchard. The memory feels fuzzy, as if I’m viewing it through a pane of rippling water.

So much has happened since then, and I don’t know if that boy and girl exist anymore.

The screeches and laughter of the crowd leaving the theater fill the night air. People hug on the curb. Car doors slam. The crush in the parking lot drains away.

Finally, when a hush wraps around us like a scratchy wool blanket, he tilts his head to look at me. “I want to know if any of it was real.”

My sharp intake of breath jerks his attention to my mouth for the barest of seconds before his jaw ticks and he looks away again. Seeing Esau, beautifully capable, assured Esau with that uncertainty in his eyes physically hurts.

“All of it. I mean, my name wasn’t, but the rest of it—that was me.”

His hands slide down into his pockets as he stares out into the darkness. “Hard to believe.”

“I’m sorry. Again. I don’t know what else I can say.”

Esau sighs and turns toward me. “I don’t get you. You spend all semester arguing with me about the play. About everything, and the minute you get the chance to take credit… you don’t. If you weren’t trying to steal my role, what were you doing? It doesn’t make sense.” With a huff, he pushes his hair back behind his ears.

“Didn’t take credit…” The truth behind what he is saying dawns on me in a blaze of lightning.

“You didn’t show up tonight just to see what I would do? Did Fiona know?” But even before I finish getting the words out, I know she did. Everyone was too eager to see me when I arrived at the theater earlier tonight. They were far too earnest when they peppered me with questions during our last few precious minutes before the start of the show. They were bating me to see if I’d buck Esau’s vision and do my own thing. Testing my loyalty to their friend to see if I’d remain true or stab him in the back. Behind their complaints about Esau’s griping, they care for him. They’re loyal to him.

Those terrible, wonderful people.

“It was a test. You were testing me.”

An owl screeches on the wind, making me start and glare out into the inky black. I don’t know if I’ll ever grow accustomed to that. But everything else about living in the country? I could get used to it.

Esau’s laugh floats away in a puff of hot air. His eyes fall to mine. The piercing clarity of his gaze feels like it could penetrate clear down to my soul, which is ridiculous. No one can read my mind, not even this boy who I’ve spent the past three months sparring with by day and kissing by night.

“No one makes me as mad as you do. No one drives me as wild, wondering what you’re going to do next. No one has ever pushed me to expand my vision like you do. I tried to make myself stop thinking of you, but even physical pain couldn’t change how I feel.” Yanking the rubber band off his wrist, he throws it in the garbage can I used to prop the door open.

“So you’re here to tell me how much you hate me?” It comes out more breathy than teasing. How can it not when Esau is looking at me with such intent in his eyes?

“I have to know. How much of it was real?” The weight in his eyes slays me.

In the distance, a train whistles. Often at night, when I’m snuggled safe in my bed at home, I can hear it in the distance. It’s become one of my favorite night sounds. Hearing it now gives me serenity. A tremble ruffles my fingers as I reach out and take Esau’s hand. Gently, I fold his fingers down but for his pointer and middle fingers and press them into the thrumming at the side of my neck.

“Your heart is racing.” He starts to withdraw his fingers, but I cover them with my own to stop him.

“You asked me if any of it was real. You can feel the proof of it under your fingers. Being with you makes my heart come alive. These past few months, arguing with you, talking to you were exactly what I needed. No, more than that. Being with you was the one good thing about moving here. After my parents were killed, I thought I’d never feel anything but anger. But you, you re-ignited my spark. You reminded me that there is so much more to being alive than hatred. There are so many good things too. Friendship, laughter, hard work… love. I’ve been saying that I make the magic happen, but it’s you. You make the magic. You brought me back to life, Esau. I hope you know that.”

Esau steps into my space. The toe of his work boot bumps up against my rain boot. Warmth folds over me as he brings his hand up to cup my jaw. The other hand hovers barely there over my scar, above it to the curve of my brow. “You’re the magic,” he whispers just before his mouth covers mine. Esau kisses me like I’m the sweetest oxygen he’s ever tasted and now that he knows it, it’ll never be enough.

I kiss him right back, letting him know with every brush of my fingers down his cheeks or through his hair that we were both right. I make the magic happen. He makes the magic happen. Together, we’re a miracle.

Chapter 41

Day 178, Wednesday

Audrey

Noah answers the door a full minute after I knock. Inside, Anza whispers, “Megan’s here! Do you think she’ll play with me?”

“Shh. Quiet. She’ll hear you. Her name’s Audrey. ”

“Are we playing hide and seek?” Mattie asks.

My cheeks flush.

“No! No, I just… Don’t open that. I’ll