The Heretic Wind: The Life of Mary Tudor, Queen of England by Judith Arnopp (best ereader for students TXT) 📕

as he clambers on top of me, but the kissdoesn’t come. Instead, he fumbles between my legs, probing places that even Ihave never explored. My body is rigid. Shock knifes through me. I crane my faceaway and a shameful tear drips onto the mattress. His touch burns as he pusheshis fingers into me. And then he pauses.

Was thatit? I think. Has he finished? But no, after a moment, he raiseshimself and thrusts hard against me, shocking me to the core.

My heart isbruised.

In the morning,when my women pry into the events of the night before, I find I cannot tellthem the truth. I cannot confess to having made such a horrible mistake. Nobodyshall ever know of it. Instead, I find myself smiling and blushing like a maid,making coy references to a delight I did not experience.

In Philip’sabsence, as I go about my day, it is easier to forget the cripplingembarrassment of our coupling, and I pretend to love him. As my women attend me,I prattle on about how wonderful he is, how gentle, how magnificent. Once I amdressed in my finest and my hair has been brushed and tucked beneath my cap, Isend for the court jeweller and order a collar to be made commemorating ourjoining. As I wrap it in fine tissue, I speak loudly of the sweet love betweenus, my devotion to my husband, and my joy that our marriage is a success.

But the truthof it is, Philip is a cold fish and I am filled with resentment that he does noteven pretend, as I do, that our union pleases him.

Hampton Court – November 1555

While Philip takes the apartmentsthat my father’s consorts lived in at Hampton Court, I take up residence in theroyal chambers that my father and Edward used. It is an unusual but appropriatearrangement given that I am queen and Philip is to have no power in England.His role is to support me. He will sit on my council but he will never rule.His opinions will be treated warily, and I reserve the right to veto them. If Idie before him, he will have no leverage, no further claim to power here. I amthe only one in this marriage to have supremacy over England. I imagine hesecretly resents this as he seems to resent so much about our union, but hemakes no verbal complaint.

We pass ourfirst months together like distant acquaintances and all is well until bed time,when we are expected to couple and produce a prince of the realm.

The act hasbecome a little easier now I know what to expect but I still find it uncomfortableand rather disagreeable. I have long given up dwelling on the dream I once harbouredof marriage. I do not require his affection; the crux of the arrangement is toget with child as quickly as I can. Once I can be sure I am carrying England’sprince, my duty will be done and Philip will not be required in my bed again.

Of course, Icontinue to act as though I hold him in the deepest regard. I couldn’t bear thegossip, you see. We make a strange pairing. Privately, I liken us to Janus –welded together in marriage but while he looks to Spain, I look to England.

The one thingin which we are in accord is England’s return to Rome, and Philip will beuseful in this. He is the best man to take charge of the delicate negotiationsand, when I make the suggestion, he cannot hide his pleasure at being givensuch an honour.

After monthsof negotiation, it is an immensely satisfying day when my cousin, Cardinal ReginaldPole, arrives in London. It is a breach of my father’s making that should have beenhealed long ago.

Philip sees thereturn of the cardinal as a personal triumph. For twenty years, Pole has beenexiled, he has seen his family destroyed for his sins, yet even when all gunswere against him, he never wavered in his support of me, or the true church. Hisreward will equal the depth of my gratitude. I know he has always hankered tobecome the Archbishop of Canterbury and I shall ensure it becomes so.

I have notseen Reginald since I was a small child; in fact, I am not even sure if Iremember the occasion, or if I simply remember my mother speaking of it. Whenhe takes the knee before me, I go forward and bid him rise.

“My dearcousin,” I say, “you are most welcome to England.” A tear slides down his cheekand I my eyes are also moist.

There is so muchto discuss, matters both personal and politic and, during the next few weeks, Iam so much in his company that I do not heed the first rumblings of sickness. Iam so often ailing with women’s complaints that I dismiss it as the onset of mymegrim.

On the lastday of November, I stand tall and proud as Reginald absolves England of ouryears of sin and heresy and welcomes us back to Rome. The schism is at an endand the first thing I do is write to Philip’s father, Charles, to inform him ofour kingdom’s return to the obedience of the Holy Church. My heart is so lightthat I am certain Mother is looking down and applauding me. Before I becamequeen, I compiled a list of changes I intended to make when I ascended thethrone. Today, that list is a little shorter.

At the banquetthat follows, I eat very little. I feel nauseous, my belly rolling with disgustat each dish the ushers place before me. I shake my head, waving it away, andchew only on a piece of bread.

“You didn’teat a thing, Your Majesty,” Susan remarks as she combs my hair that evening.“You must keep up your strength.”

“I think I amailing,” I reply, watching her face in the looking glass. “I feel sickly and haveno appetite at all.”

She touches myshoulder and I look up at her. She flushes pink and puts her lips close to myear.

“Your Majesty,remind me, when did you last see your courses?”

My head reels,bells ringing loudly in my ears as the inference of her words penetrates mytardy mind.