The Happy Family by Jackie Kabler (electric book reader txt) 📕

‘My darling girl, I never had children. But if I had, I’d have loved to have one just like you.’

I touch my hands to hers, and I know I’m about to cry, and also that it doesn’t really matter if I do. I’m safe here.

‘You’re not my mother. One down,’ I whisper, and she smiles and shakes her head.

‘And I’m not either, just for the record,’ says Brenda. ‘Two down then. Who’s next, Beth?’

Chapter 42

Next is the surgery and I get there mid-afternoon; the sun is warm on my bare arms as I pause outside the front door, bracing myself and wondering if I should have dressed more smartly. I’m just wearing jeans and a T-shirt, but it’s too late now. I grit my teeth and push the door open, stopping at reception to ask Ruth if there’s any chance I can speak to her and Deborah – ideally together – at some point in the next couple of hours.

‘It’s important. Really, really important,’ I say, and she nods, looking alarmed.

‘OK. I can make it happen,’ she says, and I thank her and head for Gabby’s room.

‘You look better, Beth,’ is the first thing she says to me, which surprises me. I’ve barely looked in a mirror since Friday night.

‘Thanks,’ I say. ‘Gabby, I have some stuff to tell you. And I’m desperately hoping that when I do, you’ll let me come back to work. But there’s something … well, there’s something you need to know, something I never told you, which may have an impact on that, and … oh gosh, I’m really nervous, I’m sorry.’

She looks intrigued.

‘Okaaaay,’ she says slowly. ‘Well, take a deep breath, and just tell me, OK? I’m listening.’

And so I begin. As everyone has so far, she looks more and more dumbfounded as I tell the story, and when I tell her about Alison’s reason for hunting me down in the first place, her eyes fill with tears.

‘That’s … that’s horrendous. I’m so sorry that happened, Beth. For Lucy, and for her mother, and her whole family. But for you too. To know that what you did had such terrible consequences, well …’

I swallow hard. This was what I’d feared the most about telling Gabby: that she and the other partners would feel they didn’t want me working here anymore, that they couldn’t countenance employing someone with such a dark, evil stain on her character. I wouldn’t blame them, of course, and so I sit and wait, watching her, feeling sick as she wipes her eyes and turns back to look at me, her eyes boring into mine.

‘I think you’ve paid for it though, haven’t you, Beth?’ she says quietly. ‘Not just recently with everything Alison put you through. But I’m guessing you’ve been paying for this your whole life, in here.’

She taps the side of her head, and the tears do come now, rolling down my cheeks as I nod.

‘I’ve felt guilty every single day since,’ I whisper.

‘OK,’ she says. ‘I’m going to think about how we move forward with this. Is there any more you need to tell me?’

I sniff.

‘There is, actually,’ I say. I start talking again, and when I get to the bit about my biological mother she actually leaps from her chair.

‘What? Are you serious?’

I shrug.

‘I can’t quite believe it myself, but yes, apparently.’

‘But … how? Beth, I’m flabbergasted. I don’t even know what to say. And you’re now trying to work out who it is? I can’t believe Alison wouldn’t tell you. Gosh, I have so many questions!’

She’s walking backwards and forwards across the narrow space behind her desk now, shaking her head in wonderment.

‘Not half as many as I have, I promise you,’ I say, and she stops pacing and laughs.

‘I’m sure. So you want to come back to work? I’ll need to talk to the others about it, Beth. But I think it’ll be OK. The past is another country, isn’t it, or whatever the phrase is. I think it’s time you tried to put it all behind you, and if you can do that, I think we can too. If you’re sure you’re up to it?’

‘Oh Gabby, thank you so much.’

I feel weak with relief.

‘Thank you,’ I say again. ‘And I am up to it, I really am. All of the things that happened, well, it was all her, wasn’t it? OK, so I was drinking too much, and I can’t blame her for that; that was all me unfortunately – a bad way of coping with everything that was going on. But I’ve knocked that on the head now, Gabby, I promise. I’m feeling good, and I want to come back, if you’ll have me. But maybe next Monday? That’d give me a week to try to get to the bottom of this mother mystery.’

She plants both hands on her desk and leans across it, looking at me silently for a few seconds. Then she smiles.

‘Of course. As I said, I’ll need to clear it with the others. But we’ve missed you. I’ll give the temp who’s been covering a week’s notice. Beth, you don’t think it’s anyone here, do you? Your real mother? You’re close to Ruth, aren’t you? And Deborah? Alison had met both of them more than once, hadn’t she?’

I stand up.

‘Maybe. I don’t know. That’s my next job, actually. I’m going to go and talk to them now.’

She lets out a low whistle.

‘Wow. Keep me posted, OK?’

‘I will.’

I have to wait half an hour until Ruth and Deborah are free, so I go to the staffroom, grateful to find it empty, and make a mug of tea. I sit at the table and sip slowly, trying to stay calm, but I’m too nervous, too agitated, to sit still for long, and when Ruth finally pops her head round the door to say they’re both ready, and that maybe we’d have more privacy in Deborah’s room, I’m hopping from foot to