Plays 2: Weird Time Blues Shuffle by Colin Peterson, George O'Sullivan (best adventure books to read .txt) 📕

Goba By making the country into one big prison, you silly posho journalist! It’ll keep out normality and only contain the madness. Therefore, we shall never hurt anyone else again; only ourselves.

TV Reporter So you won’t interfere with other countries?

Goba Yes, we will, we just won’t tell the public about it.

TV Reporter You just have!

Goba They had an idea, anyway. We know they're stupid, but they're not that stupid! I’m a democratic liar! I tell you this fact: it was only a week ago I was kidnapped and forced into a mental institution. They took out pieces of my brain and made me wear odd clothes. I was then interfered with, but I liked that bit. So I won't go on too much!

TV Reporter Yes indeed, we wouldn't want to offend anybody! On a more serious note: I  heard it was to combat your alcohol problem. Is this true? 

Goba Maybe, but that’s classified. So it could be false, but I want to tell the truth, so it isn’t. (Coughs.) Maybe.

TV Reporter I take it your wife’s still in there? At this Stotto Island asylum.

Goba Yeah and she can stay there. I just want the public to be generally aware of mad people. They’re everywhere and we will get them all! They’re Crazies! And we will hunt out this ‘premiership of evil’ in the interests of everyone. Who love peace that is. And the odd war, when things get boring.  

TV Reporter Well, that’s interesting. I’m about to go into therapy, and I really want to get out of this SHIT JOB! I want to be a real journalist and do something!

Goba See, even he’s mad and he’s wearing a hair-piece! (Scuffles with the TV reporter in a bid to get the hair-piece off the TV Reporter's head.) It could happen to your viewers! If you have any, of course. Tell them, go on, tell them that it could happen to them!

TV Reporter Don’t plug the lottery just yet! NOOOOOOOOOO! It’s on after this! Are you taking bribes!

Goba Aren’t we all?

TV Reporter So, let’s clarify! Leave my fucking hair alone! 

Goba Answer the question! I SAID: ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION!

TV Reporter I apologise for the language used there; that was unnecessary and the President will apologise.

Goba(smiles.)We know that there are just lots of mad people out there!(Flashes images in the background of drunken louts- hooligans- rioting and pissing, then mug shots of Bohl and Tosst.) And  we need to stop this! All the sane people are going to Stotto island mental home, so they can dodge their former responsibilities! I know this is odd, but I’ve been there and I don’t like what I’ve seen. I saw a lot: Jacuzzi’s, massage parlours; they give your narcotics - free of charge. There is a tab behind the bar and you get a lovely room, with a four poster bed. It’s quite nice, but the mini bar sucks! And it’s tofu on Fridays! I wanted Kentucky Fried.

The TV reporter runs out, dropping the microphone. The camera swings, hitting the floor. The light fades.

Goba. (in darkness.) Hello? Hello? I take it that’s the end of the interview? Am I that boring? Just because it’s political. I knew I should’ve launched my campaign song. I can sing. (Sings) Freeeeeeee as a bird, doo-bee-doo - Freeeeeeeeeeeeee....I forgot the rest...shit. Dying out here, fuckin' tough.

Scene 9: Poval enters. His security guards are lined up at the back. In walks Val Cosis, Kitty Rexia and Ed Stern, who is followed by a TV Camera man.

Poval Okay, fuckies, this is your living heaven! You’re going to get pampered and your whims will be granted. You just have to pay a contributory fee, as marked in the information packs and you will be submitted. If you want anything just ask our dishy doctor and cool dude, Doctor Carrion. He has all the answers to the questions, except to the questions he doesn’t know about. Any questions? (Pause.) Any answers? 

Val Yeah, as I’m a rock star who is sick of the music business can I still make records?

Poval Look, do I look like a doctor?

Carrion enters.

Carrion Hello cuties! Oh, it’s the tv reporter Ed Stern and two non-entities! How I really want to know! Tell me everything!  (To Poval.) have their cheques cleared?

Poval Yeah, they paid in cash! And in blood. We always need blood. And organs. 

Carrion Oh, I know you all! You’re great people! Welcome to Stotto Island - the place to cop out of society, if you’re rich enough to.

Kitty My daddy is paying for me. I’m a supermodel, you see. I have a cocaine problem.

Carrion That’s always the way: coke at a young age, that’s what I blame. What is the exact problem?

Kitty Well, apart from ravaging my good looks, I can’t afford to look good.

Carrion I see. Awful out there - paying for coke. Awful. Money shouldn’t be a barrier, even if you have it. Don’t worry, cutie, in here it’s free. But there is a limit to how much you can do. You can’t go too crazy.

Kitty But I thought this was a mental home?

Carrion It is, but it’s more like a life-long care home. We want to eradicate craziness! You can still do the normal things and leave to visit people. It’s great, isn’t it?

Val Why have security then?

Carrion To intimidate you. Oh, and they are all convicted perverts. They'll pester you for fun. It gives us something to analyse.

Val What? You mean, they pleasure us?

Carrion Yes, what else. If you say anything you get the shit kicked out of you and no talking to the press.

Ed Stern Can I film in here?

Carrion No, of course not! If you live here you can’t do that. Not unless you have a deal with a company and you want to do something on me or the great Dr. Tosst - who invented this cure. I’m merely one of his disciples.

 Ed Stern Can we do an interview then?

Carrion Sure, I’ll speak to you later. Poval, take them to there room and see if they want anything. I’m sure you and your people will provide. 

Poval (excited.) Oh, I see, sir! Very good. Come on boys, let’s escort them!

The guards grab them and march them off, fondling them and touching them. Carrion laughs to himself, breaks a clipboard,  and exits.

Scene 10: Canteen. Bohl enters. He sits alone, then Wede enters.

She finishes her plate of shit. She then breathes over Bohl, who coughs, almost retching. 

Wede: Hello, Bohl. You know they’re going to get you?

Bohl: No. I don’t. Shall we eat something?

Wede: No. The food's shit.

Bohl laughs, hysterically. Then vomits. He picks at his vomit, nibbling at it.

Wede What? It’s just an opinion. Not hungry anyway. I’m a cheap date tonight! I’m not fussy, just use to a higher class of food. I try to avoid classes, but I like good food.

Bohl I don’t watch it. Only the News. Realism amuses me.

Wede That’s because you’re dying, aren’t you?

Bohl Yeah, I suppose. Wait: was that the bit that  was meant to get me all depressed and say: aren’t we all dead? I’m just really depressed. How could I forget that.

Wede I don’t know.

Long Pause. Bohl laughs

Wede The inspectors are about. They’re everywhere, aren’t they?

Bohl I know you are, but what am I?

Wede I don’t know, but let’s bond. I like you. 

They wrestle; Wede tears Bohl’s shirt open, buttons popping onto the ground. Bohl tries to give her a Chinese burn , but gets dragged along the floor by Wede. Poval enters, with two other guards. He drags them apart. He wears khaki. The other Guards, standing behind Poval, are wearing gimp masks. They take them off quickly, before Poval notices. They put the gimp masks on Wede and Bohl.

Bohl What is going on, Poval! We’re bonding! It was not a canteen brawl. Everyone is in the sauna or the gym. They may be in the new Carrion Centre, with the cinema and electric blankets. Come on, it’s a fair cop, let us off, guv!

Poval No, I’m on a diplomatic mission. We have to prove we actually have mental patients in here. We’re representing the UN. We’re mad people inspectors. We have some extra money and they gave us stickers.

Wede My husband is behind this, I’m sure.

Poval You two patients shouldn’t fight!

Bohl Patients! I’m not a patient! I’m a doctor…Oh,  I get it - very funny, Security-dude! That’s good. Is this a joke? Like them barmy gags. Oh, I think I’ve seen this joke.(Poval and the guards look at him, as if he is mad.)  It’s been done before on TV, where the patient is the shrink and the shrink becomes the patient! I think I have seen it. I can’t think of the name of the film. That’s doing my head in now! 

Poval Come on, Eileen. Back to the cells. You two need to be tested on. Carrion’s orders!

Bohl Why I knew it! That blasted new Doctor, with his money and his status!  He took everything! Did You call me Eileen? 

Wede I think it had Grodin in too. That angry guy from the large dog movie.

Poval Let’s go! Stop lagging!  We have to write all  this down afterwards in our reports. We will then have to learn to write, then write it down. But I can’t remember / what is happening now! 

Bohl WHAT’S THE NAME OF THIS FILM WITH THE MAD GUY FROM THE  BIG DOG MOVIES!  It slobbers, like this (He slobbers and spits at the guards through the masks.) And it growls, like this (He growls and tries to bite the guards. They scream and giggle like children, even more so as Bohl tries to urinate, like a dog over them. Bohl cocks his leg up, but Poval then punches Bohl. Bohl shakes like a dog, just out of some water. He has wet himself. With a mouth full of blood, Bohl tries to retort.)  I would say ‘ouch’ or something witty, but -

Bohl’s s mouth zip - on the gimp mask he wears - is zipped up by Poval. He tries to mumble through it, but he gets angry. Bohl growls again.

Poval Leave me alone with them! No, take him away.  He needs his rabies jab and a good shooting. I’ll zip up the woman. (Wipes some saliva away from his mouth onto the back of  his hand.) She’s trouble. I hate ruffians. They’re always loitering on the stairs. (The guards laugh  and drag Bohl away. Bohl struggles, but they beat him up to silence him.) Getting wasted, Eileen! Bloody lefties. Only want a bob or two extra, don’t you? You’ll do anything for it. How about I’ll strike you hard!

Poval approaches Wede and takes off the gimp mask. He goes to hit her, but he kisses her. Wede looks shocked. There is pause. She strokes Poval’s face. Intrigued for a beat or so. She then lunges onto him and starts to tear at his uniform. Poval and Wede kiss passionately, but they break off. Wede starts to cry, and Poval goes to beat her. He then hugs her and they start to kiss again and this develops into Poval trying to force his hands down Wede’s trousers. He then gets his hands caught and cannot undo her belt. He cries in pain, as Wede  twists in delirious contortions, still kissing Poval, who, obviously, does not want to ruin ‘the moment’. But his hand is hurting and he tries to get it back, but cannot. Then a siren sounds. We hear the slamming of doors. Lots of doors, then metal shutters. Then the power goes, fading - creating temporary darkness - then coming back, slowly. For a beat, the light strobes then coming back  to illuminate. Poval has his hand on Wede’s breasts and another hand trapped down her trousers. He hugs up to her breast, as if he were a child. This is done just as Tosst enters. He enters with Carrion and Flore. Flore starts to dust