Plays 1: Weird Time Blues by Colin Peterson, George O'Sullivan (smart books to read .TXT) 📕

GEORGE O'SULLIVAN AND COLIN PETERSON: PLAYS 1:WEIRD TIME BLUES SERIES[PART1]

Contents

1] The MIASMA OF EDUCATED BLISS
    

2] ZWISHZAPZINGZONG
    

3] COL46X

THE MIASMA OF EDUCATED BLISS
by GEORGE O'SULLIVAN AND COLIN PETERSON

CAST:


"GUTHRIE" / "WILF": "GUTHRIE" - an eccentric full-time 'life' student, who seems to make a career of doing lots of different courses and not really completing any degrees, but the soundest bloke without a doubt - even if he's a bit mad! /"WILF" - smart posh-boy on a constant events junket, where moomsy and poopa have all the wedge and he can prove his point by going to university for what he deems a "life experience".

ERIC SADLER / "TAV" / "TEDDY": ERIC SADLER - a complete waster but somehow manages to blag fairly decent grades. If he actually tried he might do really well, but he's easily distracted and way too busy getting fucked to really worry./ "TAV" - is a complete poser who tries to mould himself as a lad-G-chav-Fifty-Cent-as-a-student; wears a bandana and baseball cap and likes to moisturise. / "TEDDY" - undecided about being a student and is a bit over-awed by everything even though it's all completely shit, he's come from another campus and seems to be scared of being sociable.

PROFESSOR TOBIAS PERCIVAL / DR ANDRE DIRKSON /PERSON LOOKING LIKE BARNEY THE DINOSAUR: PROFESSOR TOBIAS PERCIVAL - a balding, affable, lecturer who never chats about the work, and assumes everyone will pass; he's terribly nice, but he's frightened of his wife and his elderly mum, so is always in a rush to get away and off campus. He's also frightened of his annoying colleague, DR. DIRKSON, so he wants to avoid him. / DR. ANDRE DIRKSON - a lecturer and wannabe lad and is trapped between wanting to be a lecturer but still lives like a trend-loving student./ PERSON LOOKING LIKE BARNEY THE DINOSAUR - a random student - one of those predictable "wacky" people, who usually figure dressing as Chewbacca or some other Kid culture icon is "wacky" enough; but this is pushing it for them, as this particular "individual" is on a messy theme-night at the bar.

STAR LAZLO / DOCTOR SUKIM-LONG-LI: STAR LAZLO - I.D. crisis-ridden U.S exchange student with a rich daddy and pre-arranged marriage to an aged hippy's computer geek son, who's still twenty years her senior; but she's loving sucking cock, licking pussy and all sorts of lesbo-bi play, very AC/DC, as long as it's not too full on. She's trying to technically be the world's first bisexual "virgin" and a re-born Cana-atheist and advocates free-love inspired by a weird mixture of Paganism, Christianity and Spiritualism / DR.SUKIM-LONG-LI - enigmatic new lecturer, dressed as some sort of dominatrix, but is the faculty "terrorism expert" that no-one understands; she is bisexually rampant and will sleep with anything - guaranteed.

UNKNOWN BAR DJ[voice off/over].

Place: on the dilapidated Upper Ramsbottom campus, which is stuck in the middle of no-where; the nearest place resembling civilisation is a boring village called Aldbush.

PART ONE: STUDDIN'[issue VII, vol.3]

ONE:BUS STOP.
Empty bus timetable holder, next to a flimsy plastic sign under a flickering light. SADLER, who is wearing a tattered sweater, ripped jeans, and some falling apart Adidas Samba, has stacked it on the floor; as he tries to stand, swaying, he swallows some more vomit; then goes to lick his split drink off the floor, but GUTHRIE, enters, looking like a dandy Mandrake The Magician, smoking and rubbing his gums with his index finger.

GUTHRIE I can't believe it's almost over! We better go to this lecture, methinks. Sorry - you're Sadler, right? My vision's a tad -

SADLER(burps in GUTHRIE'S face, drooling slightly, tries to belch saying 'Fuck'.) D'I smell like puke, mate?

GUTHRIE(cheerful) I don't know. My nose is blocked; I snorted some Super Noodles as a joke last night. It was funny at the time - weren't you there?

SADLER(tapping his nose.) I hear you...I might start trying at some of the courses - they're interesting. Might as well have a swift pint first, then I'll crack on.

GUTHRIE(hands SADLER some Pro-Plus tablets.) Don't sulk - let's go now, or we'll be liquefied for the rest of the day.

SADLER(sulking, eating the Pro-Plus tablets like mints, sucking on them.) I'm too tired, mate, I'm still trying to get back home; left me diss there...I really am....(Rubs his eyes.) It's so easy just failing and to defer again - like Rufus and Stan. That reminds me they phoned me about...Where's me phone, it's contract... Shiiiit (Searches for his mobile phone, but it tires him. Yawns, mumbling.) Those shroomytrippycookies’re really -

GUTHRIE Shut it you fat tart! Get up! (Helps SADLER to his feet, even though SADLER clings to GUTHRIE for support.) We'll grab a swift one! It'll perk you up!

They slowly stumble into:

TWO:BAR
GUTHRIE and SADLER are sitting down, looking bored; they're surrounded by empty plastic pint glasses and plastic jugs. We hear My Pet Junkie's 'Delay Jam' clearly, as if the band are rehearsing in another part of the bar. Suddenly, the P.A. cuts out then bursts into life with an awful Euro-pop remix of Blondie's 'Atomic' on a loop. GUTHRIE is still dressed as some sort of weird gothic dandy Mandrake The Magician, and tries to read a huge book, which he seems to be struggling to read, swaying - occasionally resting his head on the book. Whereas SADLER is staring into space, not really doing anything.

GUTHRIE(stubbing out his resin covered smoke into his book, trying to joke how a stereotypical drunk sounds.) Mate-yoooooussshasooooooooooooooomashed, maaaaaaaaaaaan! (Stuffing his mouth full of Pro-Plus; rubbing his eyes, while SADLER retches.Suddenly speaking with an Oxbridge accent.) I'm awake!? I'M ALIIIIIIIIIIIIVE! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE UP!

SADLER There's a greeney in me pint.

GUTHRIE Oooooh! Green? How much?

SADLER It's not me pint? Is it?

GUTHRIE(finds a rolling paper, goes to hand it to SADLER, then suddenly changes his mind and tries to make a little pirate hat out of it, putting it on SADLER'S head.) Don't stress it, mate! I've got a chequeski - oh yes, matey-o - we'll rip it! Ooo-urgh!

SADLER(takes the rolling paper off his head, but also slaps his head.) I ripped me coursework?

GUTHRIE Ripped who? They a new band here? Band names are awful these days - though it sounds like a tribute thingummy.

SADLER(trying to roll a smoke out of the pirate hat, but can't really focus too well.) Huh?

GUTHRIE What night is it?

SADLER(his unrolled smoke falls apart, as he drops the Rizla.) Ermumm...er-

GUTHRIE Thin Tony's PhatFartChart? I reckon it's a good product - even if we have to pay a few quid.

SADLER I ain't -

GUTHRIE(looking at his wrists, there's no watch on them, just leather straps.) Damn, we've missed our lectures - haven't we?

SADLER I might be failing it anyway.

GUTHRIE My plan is to fail!(Punches up into the air.) I AM NOT A PRODUCT BOY-O! You know, I'd love a re-take year! Maybe go to another campus, change course, change Uni - yes, I know! Again! The opportunities to hide are endless... It might be more work, apparently, but oh well! Failing is very easy these days. My folks'll stump up - they're great - the daft -

SADLER We don't really do much here - do we?

GUTHRIE(shrugging, takes more pills.) Don't want to be out there! Stuck in the rat-race - being another Rat-sucker! Constantly selling ourselves when we can get it here for free? No pressure here - thank gawd! It's depressing me to think about it all, though. I'll get more pints in, don't you worry, mate.

A jug of Snakebite is handed to GUTHRIE who puts two small straws into it and starts to guzzle it, while SADLER retches into it, but still manages to try and compete with GUTHRIE to drink it down to froth.

SADLER(looking exhausted.) I'll go to th’ bog. I left me stash in there.

GUTHRIE Don't tell Rufus or Stan about it this time - please don't get them -

SADLER Who?

GUTHRIE(looking around, checking under the table; slightly paranoid.) Oh sod it - they're not here now!

SADLER(takes GUTHRIE'S book and rips off the back cover.) Right - okay? (GUTHRIE points to the back of the book SADLER'S now holding, as if SADLER has committed a terrible crime.) Don't stress it bro - it'll be recycled, mate!

GUTHRIE(nodding.) Well, don't drop out just yet - it's your round, Sadler. Isn't it? (SADLER stumbles away, exits to the toilet, as GUTHRIE throws his cheque in the direction of the bar. ) The S.U here really is -

GUTHRIE realises he's on his own in the bar. He looks around but it's empty, eerily quiet. GUTHRIE starts to use his book as some sort of bongos. TEDDY enters looking around in wonder at the shitty state of the bar. TEDDY dresses too smartly even though he's trying to look casual, and wears a leather jacket which is too big for him; but prides himself on being clean shaven with a smart haircut. He carries a thin backpack.

TEDDY Excuse me, sir, but is this Jay-four?

GUTHRIE(stops beating the book.) Huh? Sir?

TEDDY I reckon I've got it -

GUTHRIE WHERE?

TEDDY I'm -

GUTHRIE(knowingly.) Fresher, eh?

TEDDY Oh no, it's my final year.

GUTHRIE And I thought I knew everyone here?

TEDDY I'm from the other campus, but my -

GUTHRIE OK! OK! OK! I don’t want the fucking backstory! Sit down, mate. (TEDDY sits down.) Drinky-poosie?

TEDDY No, I don't drink - thank you very much.

GUTHRIE(looking shocked.) Sorry?

TEDDY(looking pressured, wipes sweat from his brow with a hand-wipe.) I'll have a half then.

GUTHRIE(hands TEDDY a pint full of extinguished cigarette/joint butts.) Try this. It must be a new drink on offer - I haven't a clue what it is, though!

TEDDY(feeling for some change; takes it out of a plastic bank coin-bag, and starts to count it.) I'll go to the bar.

GUTHRIE They'll be back in a bit. I'll refrain from chatting absolute bollocks but stone cold balls to it! I can't help it with all this time in higher education now - I've a point, I'll get there, don't worry - here have this. Go on, kid!

GUTHRIE hands TEDDY an orange juice full of what looks like powder. GUTHRIE pours a some vodka into it for TEDDY, while he looks around the bar.

TEDDY Do you know where Jay-Four is? (Taking out a photocopied map out of his backpack, it's in an A4 plastic vest.) I can't-

GUTHRIE Don't worry, I've been here, four, five - no, three years! Something like that anyway - but I honestly couldn't tell you half the buildings here!

TEDDY You do Criminal Lit?

GUTHRIE I do something somewhere, but I lost my forms; it's a pick and mix course.

TEDDY Oh.

GUTHRIE You like it here?

TEDDY It's a bit strange. I didn't imagine university like this.

GUTHRIE Like what?

TEDDY I'm a bit nervy here.

GUTHRIE Why?

TEDDY Is it always empty?

GUTHRIE No, it's Eggy Dave's Cheese Mix