Plays 1: Weird Time Blues by Colin Peterson, George O'Sullivan (smart books to read .TXT) 📕

- RIDE ME SNAKE-LADY!

GUTHRIE Oh I know her...She's a dyke, mate.

DIRKSON So?

GUTHRIE They're leaving now! Great!

DIRKSON They're laughing at us? That's promising. They must be impressed by my neatio groove-busting moves! DIGGY-O! (Over to the unseen group, speaking like Sloth from 'The Goonies.') 'EYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!'EYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGUUYSSSSSS!

TEDDY retches, as DIRKSON tries desperately to get attention.

GUTHRIE(to TEDDY, calmly.) Don't worry - let him make a prick of himself.

TEDDY(takes another sip of his pint.) I think I better get the bus - I'm going to be late getting back home.

GUTHRIE Might as well stay down here - there'll be more people coming to see bands, deejays. I even deejay here sometimes, when I'm not too fucked! (TEDDY goes to say something but GUTHRIE keeps talking and TEDDY smiles, nodding.) No - none of the scratchy stuff, mate! When I say deejay I mean bringing some of my tunes and pressing 'play' on -

TEDDY I better -

GUTHRIE has turned to look away, trying to see over DIRKSON as TEDDY suddenly passes out, falling under the table, and crawls off as if he is a toddler, using GUTHRIE'S discarded cape as a blanket. He dribbles chewed cheap crisp over it. GUTHRIE looks around, as DIRKSON is doing the Macarena on his own to Alice Cooper's Elected, that's now playing over the crackly P.A., but it's still jumping as we hear some MTV-style mix which is filtering in the infectious Girls Aloud's version of 'Jump'.

GUTHRIE(looking around for TEDDY.) Where's -

DIRKSON Who?

GUTHRIE(suddenly hitting his legs.) They're numb now - looks like I'm here for the night.

DIRKSON(looking for TEDDY.) Where did thingy -

GUTHRIE(annoyed.) I said Sadler'll be back soon! (Still seated, GUTHRIE takes his top hat off, unzips his flies slowly, and thinks about urinating into his hat.) Damn, I better hold it for a few more -

DIRKSON(losing it suddenly, dancing as if in mosh-pit, being jostled by invisible bodies.) More -MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

GUTHRIE Always the eternal student, eh?

DIRKSON(resumes doing The Macarena again.) I reckon I've pulled, mate - I'll go and put the old sharky charm on.(Smugly.) I'm an intellectual after all!

GUTHRIE gestures the wanker-sign behind DIRKSON'S back, as DIRKSON exits trying to tap- dance and body-pop. GUTHRIE looks around for TEDDY again.

GUTHRIE Great on me fucking own again! Where did the geek go? Where the fuck did he go? Maybe he is a stud, I should be worried; a geek like that can't work that fast - can he? There was something odd about him, I don't know what though - maybe he needs to loosen up, enjoy the way of chilled studentism...I made that word up - or is it really a word? I should study it, but he must be a sly one - playing it all shy but a Wolf inside. Nice strat - I'll try it, I will. Not now though. Must move legs, must move my legs - this is from a film! I'm sure of it...I'm living a film. Fucking crazy - am I going crazy? No, talking to myself in a public place is okay - it might be a bit crazy, but still normailish. Umm...This is worrying - shut up Guthrie, shut up!

STAR enters wearing patchwork poncho, dotted with badges, with a small leather mini-skirt, fishnets and pink leather boots. She has a wooden crucifix and hippie-beads around her neck with a studded leather choker and a selection of wrist-bands. She wears a bowler hat with a lily and rose pinned to it for no apparent reason other than to look predictably "cool". STAR looks around, baffled, constantly checking her flash looking mobile phone. STAR sees GUTHRIE approaches him, boldy.

STAR Hey DUDE-man -

GUTHRIE That's mondo! I haven't been called that since 'cowabunga' was still happening vocab! Neat! And that might give my age away!

STAR Sorry, erm, right, OKAY - I didn't mean to create BAD-KARMA-KINDA-ZEN-VYBES for you. I didn't realise how many MATURE peeps they've got here.

GUTHRIE(weakly smiling, he's really worried.) Mature? Peeps? Me?

STAR Well, I wasn't going to say anything - sorry for bothering you, by the way. (Offers her hand.) I'm Star.

GUTHRIE(as GUTHRIE shakes STAR'S hand gently, he's checking her out; but STAR doesn't see GUTHRIE doing it.) I bet you are! Sorry...I'm Guthrie. (Pause GUTHRIE keeps checking STAR out, but she's looking around at the bar for someone.) Oh yes, I've got to ask - why do you want to speak to me?

STAR I was meant to meet my personal tutor, I was hoping someone might've seen her. (GUTHRIE shrugs looking baffled.) I'm an exchange student - she's been SO kind to me these lonely months.

GUTHRIE Who? What tutor? You should just come to the bar - no matter what the time, there's always someone here to bore the pants off -

STAR You're a bit -

GUTHRIE(sweating.)Stay for a drink?

STAR Okay - I s'pose! But only a JUICE! I'm on a diet.

GUTHRIE Man - that's messed up.(Hands STAR DIRKSON'S cocktail.) What diet?(STAR shrugs.) It's not the Primrose Hill-Ethiopian one, right?

STAR(sipping the cocktail, looking at it strangely. Smiles at GUTHRIE.) The what? You look strangely familiar - we haven't met before have we?

GUTHRIE No - but I've probably seen you around campus, somewhere. I don't know. Our paths probably have crossed.

STAR(looking disappointed.) Oh. Well, I'm in Doctor SUKIM'S classes on psycho-sexual TERRORISM.

GUTHRIE(beat, looking confused.) You meet up with your lecturer for one-on-one drinks?

STAR She's REALLY helping me adjust to life here and the way things go.

GUTHRIE I haven't heard about her. She's new too?

STAR Yeah, she's new too, so we're settling in here TOGETHER! I think she's just come off sabbatical, or holiday. I don't know which. She's REALLY kind - she lends me a lot of study tools. If she gets her grant, she'll make ME her research ASS-istant

GUTHRIE Tools? For what? You're as bad as Tav!

STAR(smelling her drink again, not quite sure about it. Looks baffled by GUTHRIE.) It's a big IF at the moment! I'm still new to the acad-stuff. I'm really hoping she gets her grant AGAIN, which would be SUCH an experience, it'd make my CV look -

GUTHRIE The real problem is that research-ass’s have got such a bum deal - they all look and sound like little butt-kissers. I mean anything today with assistant or sub-deputy-vice-chancellor on the end makes people think the worse. And with academics they'll think you're (Wriggling his tongue at STAR to simulate oral sex.) You know? Feasting on the sloppy dyke instead of the greasy pole.

STAR(looking stunned, lost for words.) I...umm...errr-oh, I -

SADLER suddenly enters, looking wasting, staggering around as if he's treading water - he tries flashing GUTHRIE and STAR, fumbling with his flies; but he can't co-ordinate himself properly to unzip himself then staggers away out of the bar

GUTHRIE Don't worry, he always does that - he's harmless really.

STAR(worried.) Sure - WHATEVER!

GUTHRIE So - I won't do my Dick Van Dyke joke it's really a bit... so, Star, how you finding it here again?

STAR I'm not THAT new! I've been here for a while now - a few months.

GUTHRIE(remembering.) Shit - I haven't seen you around.(STAR is about to answer but spits out more of her "juice", smelling it.) Oh yes, you said earlier you didn't come out - I mean venture - to the bar. (Laughing at his own joke, but STAR is not.) And I thought I knew everything about this place!

STAR I didn't know you, sorry. You're not in the prospectus. Was I meant to?

GUTHRIE No - no, not at all. It's nothing like that - I do not need this institutions help to whore myself to the apparently oyster-like world. But I'm with a different faculty now - our paths have probably crossed by minutes; you know how it goes here? (STAR shrugs.) But for me, it's easier that way to keep re-taking. Or just do switch suddenly and do something completely different.

STAR Re-take? I've already made my mind up what I'm doing - my parents are great! They've already given me loads of money, but they're being really really REALLY good to me. It's difficult as I can't have my luxuries here as it's only a little island - everything still costs a lot more - but I'm here for the history.

GUTHRIE What story?

STAR(smirking at GUTHRIE.) Good one - you must do Lit?

GUTHRIE Yes, of course I do! (STAR glares at him oddly.) I lick the Lit good! I pound it all the time! Do I look too campy? I'm no fancy-pants - Oh you mean....(Whispering , but his best impression of Kenneth Williams' Working-Class voice.) How much can you get it for?

STAR(baffled but laughs at GUTHRIE.) What? I'm talking about -

SADLER enters, wandering around, swaying, looking confused, trying to flash them both, but his zip is jammed, so he then tries to dance for a bit, then slips over and crawls out of the bar. STAR looks shocked, as GUTHRIE ignores shrugging.

GUTHRIE(trying to flare his nostrils.) I think we may have our wires a bit crossed; we'll let it go by pretending this conversation never happened.

STAR Well, my dad's already got me a job lined up, it's so good to -

GUTHRIE Snap - rhythm is a dancer! Me, too. Oh yes, we're looked after - part of the group who really don't need to try, but we're all about the cash as our folks have stacks. Yes, I worked for my dad, but the boring duffer's in advertising! I worked with him for a bit doing that - then I realised I just couldn't do it no more. And I hate adverts, so you could say we're a bit different. It's all a load of wank.

STAR(shocked, completely over-reacting.) How did you find out already? This campus is smaller than I imagined - it's like Melrose Place! Everyone KNOWS everything ABOUT everybody! And I thought my WEBCAM was -

GUTHRIE(lost for words.) Ummmm, I, errmmm-

STAR(checking her mobile phone, looking at it anxiously.) I'm going to find my lecturer - she's got my DIL-book- I said BOOK! I...I better GO.

GUTHRIE Why not stay for another drink?

STAR No, I don't drink, really. (Staring at the juice.) What was in that? (GUTHRIE shrugs; STAR shakes her head, looking sternly at GUTHRIE.) Tastes really WEIRD.

GUTHRIE I've had out-of-date everything off this campus, I am not surprised - the pipes here are awful, they don't clean them! And they've got cans of booze that are years old that they force on us on the discount nights. (Laughing.) No-one seems to mind though!

STAR Everything tastes BAD over HERE. (GUTHRIE snorts, nodding in agreement. ) I only drink when something's done - like after finishing my course. I'll party - for a little bit.

GUTHRIE Huh?

STAR I rarely drink, so I won't stay long - I was just seeing if she's...anyway, you'll get the wrong idea; and I can't break my spiritual promise.

GUTHRIE Sorry?

STAR I'm a new breed of spiritualist - it's tough to explain, but I've got some leaflets -

GUTHRIE Really? Any freebies?