Plays 1: Weird Time Blues by Colin Peterson, George O'Sullivan (smart books to read .TXT) 📕

GUTHRIE Don't worry - he owes everyone!

GUTHRIE and TAV exit, leaving the lecture room empty.

TWO:LECTURE ROOM.
Night, early hours of the morning. DIRKSON is bound and gagged, wearing very little, in the empty lecture room. We see DR SUKIM enters, dressed like a dominatrix Witch, smiling at him; she pours baby oil on DIRKSON, forcefully massaging him. DIRKSON tries to wriggle free, looking scared. DR SUKIM takes out a cock-ring on a chain and tries to hypnotise him with it. DIRKSON, momentarily, loses his strength.

SUKIM Ooh,shh! It fiinee!

DIRKSON(pleading.) Ummmmmerrrumm!

SUKIM Yar - cun yar imagine? Oh yar, it's oh-kai!

DIRKSON frantically tries to escape, but SUKIM reaches for a strap-on dildo, rubbing lube on it. DIRKSON looks at it and passes out, as SUKIM laughs.

THREE:BAR.
Next day, around lunchtime, we see some exam signs around. SADLER is trying to read a large heavy book; he starts to roach the back of the book - not bothered by who sees.

SADLER FUCKIN’ PIECE OF…Shit...Fuck...I’ll finish it off. Fuck, it’s well…Fuck it all - I’m going for a drink.

PERCIVAL enters, looking harassed sweating and very messy, carrying a huge travel-bag

PERCIVAL My word, you actually do make it in here?

SADLER Sometimes - it’s gone quick.

PERCIVAL Well, I've got your draft - very good if I may say so. One or two things we can sort out, but you’re a bit of a surprise; I don’t think this course challenges you at all. Don’t worry Mister Sadler, I won’t blow your cover, but I’ll put a few words in with my former colleagues at Oxford. Don’t worry, there’s no pressure at all. You really should’ve tried to go to a better university first, though; but to be honest it doesn’t matter where you get the B.A. first these days - it’s all about the research and ending up at the best places.

SADLER(looking confused.) Erm…Well I was -

PERCIVAL Yes, well, sorry! I won’t keep you - I’ll give you that book you need on Monday. Take care - pray Fulham don’t get thrashed by United!

PERCIVAL exits, still looking flustered.

SADLER(looking stunned.) I really need something now.

SADLER is baffled, dropping the book on the floor.

PART FOUR:ADVICE ON HOW TO KEEP GETTING FUCKED WHEN YOU'RE FAILING [Revised Edition].

ONE:BAR
Day/night/day…SADLER face down in the middle of the bar in a pack of Space Raiders, GUTHRIE enters, staggering slowly towards SADLER.

DJ(voice off/over.) BAR HAS TO BLOODY CLOSE! IT'S RAN OUT! YOU WON'T GET SERVED! OIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! FUCK OFF 'OME NOW! DONT YOO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO? GO ON! OI - YOO LISTENIN’!? ‘ULLO?

SADLER Errrm?

GUTHRIE Yeah, we got a lecture sometime...one more - a swifty?

GUTHRIE hands a load of cans out of his pocket giving a few to SADLER, smiling, looking spaced.

GUTHRIE Very relaxed in here now.

We hear 'Video Killed The Radio Star' by The Buggles mixed with Grandmaster Flash‘s ‘Beat Street’, but it stops suddenly switching to pan-pipes mood music. We hear someone screaming from outside. SADLER and GUTHRIE then get some more cans handed to them, coughing and pushing each other playfully. STAR enters wearing a muddy Burberry raincoat, looking wasted. Her hair is unkempt and she, stumbles to the table, looking at GUTHRIE and SADLER as if they're not quite there.

STAR I lost my notes and my subject guide, I haven’t slept in…I use to sleep really well, I…can't get no -

GUTHRIE(starts to put on some make-up trying to look like a weird variant of Brandon Lee's 'The Crow' and Heath Ledger's version of 'The Joker'.) Don't worry about them, it's the taking part that counts, right.

STAR URR?

GUTHRIE You'll pass, it’ll be right as rain; we'll stay here for the alternative night, though! I'm deejaying later - I only just remembered, I think.

STAR Really?

GUTHRIE Yes. Maybe!

STAR DEEJAY? That isn’t relevant to our course…is it?

GUTHRIE Well, it's extra-curricular. When I say deejay I mean play my CDs over the PA. I'm not a hippy-hoppy-yo-ho-ho-bo-bo-man. Hell no! I'm raw-ish. With a hint of chilled essence. Like musical vanilla essence - if it’s scientifically viable to-

STAR I need some, erm…

GUTHRIE Pro-Plus?

STAR…Food, I think. I can’t remember when I last ate.

GUTHRIE No food round here.

STAR UGH!?

GUTHRIE They've cancelled the food today?

STAR But my WHOLE place got munched out.SHIT!

GUTHRIE(smiles, teasing.) Is that what you Yanks call it now?

STAR Man, I'm -

GUTHRIE I think Sadler's trying to drink his pint...He's still fucked. I should film this, shouldn’t I?

STAR Is there a lecture?

GUTHRIE I'm blowing it out now. Can I borrow your boob tube for Tarts and Vicars night?

SADLER Hmmn? What's a -

GUTHRIE(trying to wake SADLER up.) Don't worry you can crash at my mate's mate...where's my cheque book gone?

SADLER(falling asleep on STAR; STAR looks zoned.) Ummm.

GUTHRIE We'll go to one lecture...We can still make the seminar?

SADLER Seminar? What seminar?

Someone dressed in the mask of the pink dinosaur BARNEY runs past them, they look at each other baffled.

GUTHRIE You people cool?

There is silence as the music drowns them out then the music suddenly stops, the lights get brighter to signal that the bar is trying to close.

SADLER Whuh?

GUTHRIE I thought it was Alt-night tonight, but it might be some odd kids TV night?

SADLER (shrugs swigging his can, struggling to roll a joint as he's too mashed, smiles.) ERM?

GUTHRIE(laughs at STAR and SADLER.) Shit, I think we're meant to dress as Batfink or some shit tonight!

STAR Like WHO!?

GUTHRIE I'm not sure, but fuck it - ye know how these things go!

SADLER(cupping his ear, looking wasted.) Uhhh? Wha' I drop?

STAR(shaking her head and trying to light a crushed smoke pensively, shrugs; her lighter doesn't work.) Erm, ER?

GUTHRIE(tugging at STAR and SADLER.) Come on you loved-up loungers - let's travel to the edge of the realm of uni - the cheese and wine seminar awaits! It'll open up again.

SADLER Why didn't you say cheese and wine?...I'll go. No more fucking Buggles, though!

SADLER suddenly full of energy dashes out of the bar; GUTHRIE smiles, as STAR looks baffled being led out the bar by GUTHRIE as if she is getting out of some kind of hospital

TWO: LECTURE ROOM
Late lecture, some special function seminar night. There's been laid on dodgy cheesy nibbles and plastic cups of piss-like, gassy, wine. STAR looks monged. DIRKSON is getting pestered by WILF. The bar ahs re-opened again though and we can vaguely hear Eric Prydz’s ‘Call On Me’

DIRKSON(shakes his head, looking pissed off by WILF.) Calm down, Wilf, it's fine. Go home and make a cuppa-soup.

WILF(defiantly shaking his head.) I'm on my forteenth-eighteentieth. I've had maybe hundredsthsssh-shotsssh - well over fivessh bottlesess (Wipes his mouth, tries to sort out his slight slur, spits into his can of drink and puts it down, picking up another.) I reckon, plus more pints on top. I should be dead, but I’m still standing. Come on keep up! (Gulping down hard.) Oohaah! I just swallowed my puke - brilliant! KEEP UP, COME ON PEOPLE, I'M THE ONLY ONE TRYING HERE!

DIRKSON(looking around, asking everyone.) He always like this?

WILF Hello you groovy people - good to see you two trying to out-drink me, boys. I've heard Sadler can drink a lot. I saw Sadler and Guthrie at it, in the bogs, on the hard stuff.

DIRKSON(shrugs, but is looking out for them.) Relax, mate, it's cool...Did they say what bogs they're at? I've looked everywhere for them.

WILF goes to violently heave, everyone jumps away from WILF, as he tries to force himself to puke.

DIRKSON What is with the music? I was expecting something more radical. I thought you kids were all into hip-housey-under-groundey-nu-wavey-punky-ravey-metal-hop-shit?

STAR(ignores DIRKSON.) Wilf - get some more drinks in.

WILF Yes, of course, yes, right away. MY ROUND! MY ROUND! MOVE FOR THE GRIM PEEPER!

DIRKSON Cheers mate - you kinda killed the others.(Taps his drink, trying to get rid of WILF.) Mate, snap to it - I've only got a mouthful left!

WILF(hugs DIRKSON trying to stand, or find the power and co-ordination in his legs to move.) You know, I like you and I like Guthrie! You're damn funny lecturers! You think I’m fucked, but I can speak, I know you think I speak shit but I can speak, and if I speak shit it means I’m double-shit speaking, yes? (STAR sneezes into WILF’S face; WILF looks up at the ceiling.) Yes, I think we should go to the swamp, and wrestle in the moonlight.

STAR Huh? I'm sor-

DIRKSON Wrestle? I'm a revolutionary pacifist - no way, dude-pal.

STAR(laughing.) A who? A revved-pie-face?

DIRKSON A revol -

WILF I fucked a revolutionary girl called Maya. She was radical. She was just sixteen - it was so close - and it was at -

DIRKSON Is the deejay ruining Borderline with Poison?

WILF I don't remember the music, mate, but she was a good girl. She was from Karachi, or Kansas. I'd never fuck an Argentine - never, you hear? I can't remember now, but she was poor and I fucked her on the crazy-golf course at the resort. My penis smelt of chlorine, blistering it badly, as I -

DIRKSON(annoyed with WILF.) Great, mate. Boring bloody-

WILF(flexing his muscles, puffing his chest up in DIRKSON’S face.) Yes, I'm still in perfect shape - possibly the strongest student here. Oh yes, you listening Dirky? (DIRKSON nods, looking away, looking around. Thinking of an escape, but tries to perve over STAR on the sly. STAR keeps laughing at WILF, who looks behind him, thinking she's laughing at someone else.) I have slept with well over forty people now - probably closer to a hundred soon - before coming here. I was conscious for most of them, though I can't remember the rest.

DIRKSON Okay, Wilf, take it easy. Fuck off now mate - take a hint.

WILF(fake "working-class" 'it's-a-fair-cop-guv' accent.) Mate, I’m still a geezie-geezer - I just like it rough.

DIRKSON Rough?

WILF Mate, let’s not go there…again, yep? We'll need to wrestle naked in the fields. Like in my father's day, when -

STAR What you TALKING about?

DIRKSON Oh, right, don’t worry, I’m getting mixed up; mingling and sliding baby - it’s cool-grooving.

WILF Don’t worry I get it all the time, vile condition, like crabs; it was that time I had a pizza with pills, mushrooms and some cacti on; left a huge hole in my mind, I reckon. Guthrie didn’t know who made it - then those cakes! It’s all a blur, I don’t want another one of them yet - I feel I'm safer with a crate of gin for now.

STAR EXAMS? When?

WILF Soon, right? I'll have a bit of time to indulge, but I reckon I've already fucked it up. A Desmond'll do me if I'm very lucky. I'm here for the life experience.