Plays 2: Weird Time Blues Shuffle by Colin Peterson, George O'Sullivan (best adventure books to read .txt) 📕

GENERALLY AWARE

By Colin Peterson.

Dramatis personae

Doctor Tosst -  looks in his thirties, acts as if in his eighties; a mental patient who builds a haven for people who are not insane but rich and like getting fucked. 

Doctor Bohl  - acts like a spoilt child, but is in his middle-age; agrees with this scheme, also a mental patient.

Carrion -  a patient who pays to be insane, then pays to become a doctor.

Flore - works in the canteen as a skivvy, serving shit; aged around her late thirties to forties.

Wede - a rich kid, in her twenties, who likes the mental life. And claims to be the President's wife.

Goba - unknowingly claims to be the President. He is ridiculously young looking, a child even. But acts old.

Poval - chief of security, looks like a skinhead, ageless, and dressed like a shop secuirty guard.

Kitty Rexia - a rich kid who has come to Stotto Island for free drugs.

Val Cosis - a rock star, apparently, but does anyone care? Val looks like a zombie.

Ed Stern - an undercover reporter intrigued by Stotto Island, looking haggard, older than thirty.

TV Cameraman - doesn't really want to film here, bored looking.

TV Reporter - a sexless TV reporter with a hair-piece, wears make-up to look younger than fifty.

Guards - all orderlies, but dressed like shop security guards; of various ages.

Applying to all roles: that race, or even gender, are not important

Setting: Stotto Island, a mysterious island that could be found anywhere - even in someone's head....

            "We know what we are, but know not what we may be"  Hamlet, IV,v,43.

William Shakespeare

Scene 1: A dimly lit room. There are two electric chairs; the floor has pools of blood around it.

Goba and Wede are strapped into electric chairs. They have electrodes coming out of their head and are surrounded by Surgeons with scalpels. Goba and Wede look comfortable in the chair; Goba is reading the script and Wede eats a bloodied burger. Next to her is a small tray of burgers, which have been stained with blood.

Goba  (throws down the script to 'Generally Aware'.) No, it doesn’t take much. You have to get people interested I suppose. But who gives a fuck. I hate all that ‘Ooh, it’s-so-uninteresting-but-cool.’ shit. I mean, it’s crap. As in shit. Shitcrap. Crapshit. (Another electrode is attached to his head by a Surgeon.) Yeah, well, did I tell you I watched the Quincy movie the other day?  

Wede No, you didn’t. (She is cut by a Surgeon across the face. The Surgeonsall applaud, laughing. She doesn’t scream, but continues normally to Goba.) I wouldn’t mind getting into politics, but you have to be posh still, don’t you? Teach the working classes how to keep things steady; give ‘em better booze. No, the extreme is not extreme any more unless it’s being moderate. (Pause.) Sorry, I’m boring you aren’t I?

Goba Of course you are. But…No, where was I? Oh, that’s it, yeah, I was saying -- to myself that is -- that if I started a war, I would get into debt; but I could get my student overdraft extended. No, that’s all bullshit, sorry. I was trying to be funny. (Wede yawns, but a burger is stuck in her mouth by a surgeon.) Well, I didn’t say I went on a peace march the other day. Yeah, it was quite dull. I mean, what was the fucking point. I got stoned with some old hippies and they mixed their drugs. Marching for a system not to listen to you.

Wede (still eating the burger; spitting out bits of it.) I had a system once: I'd go to work then straight to bed. It saves money, but I don’t remember seeing anyone.

Long Pause. Then Bohl enters, holding a clipboard. The Surgeons exit, hissing at Bohl.

Bohl Hello you guys! Having a good time?

Goba Yeah! (Smiling to reveal a bloodied mouth.) Does it look like it?

Bohl (taking out his pen, licking the nib.) No, it’s just that we have to ask that question; it’s routine, you see. Okay, you’ve made good progress. Hope you’re taking it easy? Yes? I can tick that box! And things aren’t stressing the brain too much. We don’t want you to think now. This is meant to be a mad house.

Wede Is that for mad people?

Bohl No, it’s for the sane! We have to keep you separate, don't you see? You know there is an old cliché that novelists from another time used where…(Laughs.) Be warned: this is funny,really fuckin’ clever! The mental patient is sane and the Doctor who treats them is mad! Funny, isn’t it! LAUGH! LAUGH NOW! 

Wede (sternly.) It’s a Dan Ackroyd film, I think.

Bohl Ooh, someone has to get all clever - Oooh smarty pants! You must've been a TV once! Before all the wanky virals! (Laughs to himself; stabbing his clipboard with his pen.) You must think I’m really barmy - ooh, the way you're looking at me! (Concerned.) You do, don’t you? (To an unknown presence off stage.) Pull 'em.

Wede and Goba get electrocuted.

Scene 2: An office. Bohl enters. Bohl trashes the office. Flore enters, starts to clean it very slowly. She uses a thong for a duster.

Flore You’re not trashing your office again are you?

Bohl I need another reality - a cure for this shit! This isn’t life. What a waste! I could be doing something good. I could be dead too!  

Flore I know, you think it’s in your head, as you're the mad one - not our patients. Clever that. You think of it all by yourself? You have to think of clever things outside of institutions like this. It’s harsh out there - but we’re safe here. (Gives Bohl an injection; continues dusting.) You’ll be fine, trust me.

Bohl Aren’t you meant to do something shocking like suck me off, or give me a good arse fisting? Where’s the strap-on you had the other day?

Flore I never wear them - they're dangerous to pedestrians. You have to think about them things when you're in here.

Bohl You’re mad too, aren’t you? Why isn’t there anything new! It’s such a cliché: to moan about something that isn’t new! I’m repeating myself? Did I just say that? I did, didn’t I? (Beat.) That’s why I’m so boring! I need a sexual partner! Sexual healing, free the feeling. Anything will do! ANYTHING! I’m hopelessly predictable - stuck in rut! It’s turning my existence into a guinea pig - or my guinea pig is existence. I’M A GUINEA PIG!

Flore No, it’s just slightly manic, doctor. Well, it is Monday. It’s better than a tragic Tuesday.

Bohl I can see your point. Can I give you a good one? No? I have to do something. Is Dr. Tosst in?

Flore Yes, he’s in his office.

Bohl Right. Well, I’ve trashed mine. What’s Tosst doing?

Flore (angry.) Dr. Bohl, I think you should find out for yourself.

Bohl Fine. I will. What is he doing? I mean, he could be pleasuring himself? I don't want him getting me on self-love Friday. He can be on horny on the right combination of meds.

Flore He could be, but he will be more likely to be pleasuring one of the patients. That electrocuted one was very dishy!

Bohl. They're in heaven now; lucky buggers. The struggle of existence removed from them, they couldn't afford to even die. They're all very strange, though. They seemed to be oblivious to the fact that we had botched an operation - for scientific purposes. We still get paid, but they were still oblivious. They’re complete fuckheads, anyway. But I liked them.

Flore. I’m sure to like you. I like all new doctors. Oh yeah! Tosst has discovered something big. He wants to see you.

Bohl (irritated; panics.) What now? I’ve had a hectic morning!

Flore It’s the afternoon.

Bohl Don’t play the time game with me! Miss-E! It’s all fair in love and war.

Flore I don’t have the time for both of those pursuits, trivial as they maybe.

Bohl I’ll see you later then -- call it six?

Flore I’ll see you in the canteen. They might even be playing some Howard Jones.

       Bohl eyes Flore, thinking she is strange, then exits, while Flore sniffing the thong, continues to clears up  his  messy office.

Scene 3: Bar. Tosst is in a bar surrounded by mental patients. One of them, code-named Carrion, is taking notes on how to be mental.

Tosst No, Carrion, you must never admit to your insanity. I don’t - why should you?

Carrion WHY NOT!?

Tosst Well, it’s quite rational.

Carrion REALLY!

Tosst Yes. Do you have to shout all the time?

Carrion No. I’M SORRY!

Tosst Okay; let’s try another example. I’m a doctor -

Carrion I know, just stop rubbing it in will you! Bloody only need a overdraft and a grant for any old pee-aitch- dee! Who fucking cares! I mean, who really cares if you’re a doctor or a cosmonaut! I may be a drop-out but I’m no lackey! See: I don’t care! This is my bothered face.

            Carrion puts on a skull mask, and pokes out his tongue, flicking it at Tosst.

Tosst Well, I don’t know, Carrion. I agree you don’t look bothered. But I’m sure some survey does care. Let’s not get distracted by figures just yet.

Carrion But I’m trying to be insane so I can have good life, and disobey all of society’s ideals! So I’m doing the insane thing? Do you like my get up? Look: odd socks and odd trainers - I’m wacky, aren’t I?

Tosst NO! You’re just a dickhead who doesn’t want to work! That’s incurable. I know your sort!

Carrion Sorry, I’ll let you continue. I’m not listening though.

Tosst Good. So if we try to have a rational discussion, you can’t handle it. It’s because it’s communication. Oral, face-to-face, mouth-to-mouth, communication: it scares you. You have no idea how to communicate to others in the flesh, without an email, or a phone. Apart from showing off and being silly. Asking people for money; shouting insults. Standard life stuff, really.

Carrion I see. How can I perfect a certain madness trait thingy. I need something: I’ve been watching loads of movies to give me ideas - but they just make me laugh! I don’t want to be a head-banger, but I don’t mind cutting myself up.

Tosst Okay then: that’s your assignment. Go and cut yourself up and come back to tell me how you feel. Like that matters. Just tell me something - that’s bullshit, of course. All psychos lie to their shrinks. It’s a fact of life, like mutual masturbation. We can do that next session…Maybe? (Carrion scribbles that bit down.)  Okay, and make my cheque out to Tosst and Tosst. That’s another part of the cure.

Carrion exits, skipping away gaily, unknowingly dropping his notes. Bohl enters looking starved.

Bohl Doctor, doctor, I feel like a doctor!

Tosst Okay take a seat, but don’t keep me waiting!(To an invisible waiter.) I’ll have two blowjobs, and a screaming orgasm. Just one mind you. 

Bohl Right, okay. (Goes behind the bar and messily mixes some drinks. He hands all three to Tosst, who knocks them all over.) Tosst: I’ve a confession to make. I’ve realised that I’m a doctor. Here to save lives, but a crime has been committed. A crime which violates our codes. I forget the codes, but I’m here to announce to you that I think people are trying to enter the establishment without being certified as insane. I’m botching the ops; I’ve covered up too many now. (Disgusted; Tosst licks the spilled drink of the table.) But all this normality in here. I think it’s an inside job - probably a bung! Or an unethical doctor trying to make some money.

Tosst That’s crazy! (They snigger.) Sorry. I couldn’t resist that one. No, what I meant was: that’s barmy! (They laugh again.) Sorry, what can I say: I’m a child at heart!